*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

Warning: naughty language ahead. 

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Am I a “fuckgirl?”

Allegedly, I am.

I get accused of being one, and I know why this happens. It’s because I am fiercely independent, autonomous, content, attractive, and I do what I want, when I want.

I’m never emotionally needy—I have my dating options. But, most importantly, I don’t get duped or trapped into undesirable situations. I stay in control of myself at all times. Also, if you think you’re going to get into a friendship or relationship with me where we exchange 50 texts a day, every day, think again. I don’t have the bandwidth for that.

But I’m not a fuckgirl—or am I?

Men I have dated will argue that I am because I move slowly, pursuing what I want without dropping L-bombs three months in. I turn down proposals and I disengage immediately whenever presented with aggression.

So why does not being needy and keeping it chill conclude with identifying me as a fuckgirl? That’s actually limited black-and-white thinking.

You see, to me, a fuckgirl is a grey area in the current dating climate. A mixed bag—equal parts virtues and vices. Yet, society sees her as all bad. Toxic. I don’t. She’s actually a complex creature.

Sure, I admit, I have some of the fuckgirl virtues. I speak the language of fuckgirl, and I guess that’s why I feel like I understand them.

We know that society thinks a fuckgirl is essentially the female version of a “fuckboy” But I’m here to tell you, she is not—even though, on the surface, she appears that way.

It actually takes more effort, skill, and determination to be a fuckgirl than it does to be a fuckboy, when you factor in the care-mongering and programming all girls are subjected to in their upbringing. All of that has been shoved down their throats since infancy, but not his. This gives her a basis, a foundation, on which to rebel against, unlike him.

It’s possible the affliction fuckboys suffer from is “aggrieved entitlement,” which is mourning the loss of privilege and entitlement, making success harder to obtain. The socioeconomic playing field is more level right now than it has ever been. They are trying to cope with having less while dating, and if you combine that financial struggle with unhealthy attachment styles and emotional unavailability, being a fuckboy looks appealing and easy.

So, I believe they each have their reasons, but to me, a fuckgirl is a unicorn worth studying—she is accomplishing something many girls and women aren’t, albeit with questionable methods at times. I feel she has figured out a few things; whether she consciously figured it out, or it is a byproduct of her vices, she behaves in a way “normal” good girls don’t.

Fuckgirls have something to teach seemingly well-adjusted girls who are excessively caring.

Today, I am playing devil’s advocate: I’m not going to talk about the things a fuckgirl does that are morally wrong, because this is the kind of scrutiny that’s already prevalent all over the internet. Whatever bad behavior they engage in, I promise you they are rationalizing it somehow, and these are areas they have yet to grow in, places where their vices have not yet become virtues.

I’m only going to talk about the things she does right. I’m talking about the areas she has done a lot of growing in already.

So, let’s dissect the fuckgirl:

She’s selfish (or self-determined), shallow (or ambitious), conceited (or self-loving), manipulative (or proactive), materialistic (or has high-standards), preoccupied (or focused on not you), and opportunistic (or strategic).

She’s fuckboy karma, good guy’s hell, another girl’s envy, a model target for teaching misogyny, and she feels detached from all of it. She has freedom from attachments. Nonattachment, a virtue, is her secret weapon in a world where normal girls get crazily attached, crazily fast before they find out whether or not a guy is crazy, himself.

She is also content, discerning, cautious, prudent, disciplined, and independent…a lone wolf type. She doesn’t do anything rash. Her disciplined self-restraint never gives anything to men they have not earned. This is something that “good girls” do to excess—always giving—and then they wonder why he does not value them. People value what they have to work for. If you give everything away easily, it has low value, and it’s easy come, easy go. Fuckgirls know this.

She is the hardest girl to manipulate and this is mainly the reason she is so hated. There should be a T-shirt that says: “Fuckgirl = A Girl You Couldn’t Manipulate.” Those “good guys” she’s brought hell to, they probably could not manipulate her.

Now, I’m not saying that fuckgirls can’t be toxic manipulators, too. However, we simplify girls into two categories: nice (agreeable and submissive) and mean (disagreeable and strong). So what we call “fuckgirls” are really a mix of your garden-variety badasses and also some truly toxic people. Also, “mean” can just be used to describe a girl who was not easy prey for others. Even the most toxic girls, though, have virtues that good girls can’t match—and this is why men chase every kind of fuckgirl they find.

A man is really in search of a balanced girl: neither good nor bad, but someone in the middle who has an edge to her. Men don’t like crazy, and they do not want to be bored either.

In my mother’s generation, they told us about a book called Women Who Love Too Much. My generation and the generation behind me are still burning off these care-mongering fumes. Let me sum that up in a nutshell and tell you that 20th-century patriarchy programmed girls and women to basically be doting slaves to menfolk in every imaginable capacity. This is not a formula that love blossoms under. There’s no challenge or chase to a woman who obsesses over a guy’s every need or whim. If that’s what a man wants, he is searching for control, not love.

On a more serious note, good girls can be so needy, compliant, and giving to men, that they are too afraid to offend them, so, without realizing it, they hand over their power to toxic manipulators and predators masquerading as “Good Samaritans”—even when, in their intuitive gut-brain, they are uncomfortable. This is the brain responsible for female vigilance and survival. Since fuckgirls are less approval-seeking, they are less prone to cooperate with a toxic boyfriend because their approach to the opposite sex is not compliance or validation, compared to more submissive girls and women. Predators look for the prey who will not question or challenge them.

So, now we know there are some misjudged girls out there and some really toxic girls out there, all lumped and labeled together…but what makes all of them different in their behavior from a “normal” girl? What is the fuckgirl’s edge?

A fuckgirl exists in her own world. Some fuckgirls are so balanced, they do not prioritize finding a man over their other desires, and some keep men at arm’s length simply for thrills. Whatever her morals are, she’s not obsessed with landing a man. She is also never aggressive or passive-aggressive in relationships. She’s not super assertive either; if she is—it would only be at a women’s march or over an issue that impassions her.

The fuckgirl is nestled in the sweet spot of being passive-assertive.

It’s actually much healthier than being passive-aggressive. Remember, many good girls are either passive or passive-aggressive, and then some can have aggressive outbursts—they are like kettles, boiling until they explode because they’ve never learned how to be assertive.

This is why men get sucked into this “something different” with a fuckgirl, this novel passive-assertive attitude, which sounds like an oxymoron until you meet a nonchalant, direct fuckgirl with her own mind. You have to remember how refreshing this is for men who deal with smothering good girl dramatics and games. The fuckgirl becomes more relatable to him, and psychologically speaking, we like people who are like us.

So, what’s happening in that assertive part of her?

A fuckgirl has the ability to be raw and straightforward about her deepest desires while still taking relationships slow, when good girls tend to keep their deepest desires under wraps and inflate the male ego with excessive attention and premature affection. The good girl can often land as fluff, moderately appealing, while the fuckgirl lands as fire. Unpredictable. Exciting. Elusive. And, dating a fuckgirl can humble a man.

By now, you can see that it makes more sense to see the fuckgirl as more of an opposite to a good girl than a mirror reflection of a fuckboy. She’s honest with herself and honest with others. She is vulnerable with her strongest desires, but never elevating the desire or the relationship above herself.

I feel this is exemplified in the song “Slacks” by St. South. I would put this song in my top 10 fuckgirl anthems. What I love is that the author confesses both her weakness and her worth, acknowledging that she is not 100 percent perfect. She’s quite human. She does not just hand her heart over easily, nor does she let it go neglected. She has standards, as well as pleasure, pain, doubts, dreams, and her exquisite self-love:

Got a piece of my mind, to tell you who’s mine,
Nobody hurts like me for you.
Soft slacks at night, I’m wearing ’em tight,
Nobody hurts like I do.
Your fakers are fine, but your water ain’t wine,
so stop feeding me, “a little more time.”
Your shit’s a mess, I’m not yours to undress,
I’m leaving this love for the last time.
I’m not yours, I’m mine.

A fuckgirl will almost always match only what is being offered. In the rare circumstance she does offer more, it’s when she feels she has hit a limit on how much time it should take to progress the relationship forward, and she is not willing to give more time out of self-love and her own dreams and desires.

A fuckgirl isn’t afraid to weigh her options, so that she picks the best possible partner for herself. Last year, I turned down an unexpected proposal that didn’t feel right, and later in the year, I told a new heartthrob that I really cared about him but I didn’t love him yet. Then, in 2020, I gave the stud of our on/off situationship an ultimatum to marry me or it’s permanently over—because, at that point, I did love him on a deeper level and wasn’t interested in spending any more time in the agony of in-between-land. A fuckgirl takes a stand. Of course, I gave him the choice, so I wasn’t calling all the shots. But I am also not sitting and waiting; we have lives to live. I’ll never be the girl who waits.

Fuckgirls can be practical and pragmatic like that—our heads are not in the clouds, and our futures are not in someone else’s hands.

The joy of being in control of your life, weighing your options, and picking smartly for safety, sanity, and fulfillment far outweighs the harsh judgement we might be assigned by others. We care more about our happiness than what other people think. We are detached because of our inherent sense of self-worth.

Fuckgirls are like low-key heroines who are often thrown confused hate instead of awe, appreciation, and curiosity.

And we’re all different with our own set of morals, ethics, and standards. If you want to enrich your life, befriend, date, or be inspired by a fuckgirl…but look beneath her surface and prepare yourself to be challenged.

A message for the men: this can be a naturally seductive personality to the average Joe, so I suggest a chill, slow burn when dating a fuckgirl. Slow affection is not the absence of affection—it’s what healthy growth looks like. You’re just hungover from intense, good girl programming.

And for fuckgirls, be upfront about the depth of your desire, take affection slowly, and never put a man above your own worth. You’ll quickly see who leaves, who sticks around, who comes back, who proposes, who supports you, and who offers you a life you can see yourself in.

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P.S. There’s more: find the six basic teachings of a fuckgirl here.