“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they

 are watching their whole world fall apart

and all they can do is stare blankly”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I remember the day my whole world fell apart; it was a Thursday afternoon in late May, and I had been waiting for the phone call for two days. Although I thought I was prepared for whatever news the call would deliver, when the moment came it still hit me like the sideways kick from an angry mule.  Losing my beloved job, the career that I had put my heart and soul into was, as the quote goes, like watching my whole world fall apart, staring blankly, utterly powerless and in that moment, very, very alone. The passion and determination I had to make a difference and the hours put in to prove myself in the end meant nothing.  My career was such an integral part of who I was and so dedicated was I to it that I felt as though someone had reached into my being and cut out my purpose.  Collusion, maliciousness, and the spiteful acts of a minority had not only left my career in tatters but also shredded my soul.

The hours following the call are a blur of alcohol and ugly crying, broken on the bedroom floor with the soft sunlight streaming through the blinds until eventually, the sky grew dark and exhausted, I crawled into bed and fell into a restless sleep. And there I stayed for days, I could not eat, I barely slept, I just lay there numb and paralysed with grief and disbelief, my face swollen from the tears that would not stop and the palpitations and breathlessness from the panic attacks that dominated my waking hours.

The notion that people, once believed to be friends, could so cruelly and intentionally destroy someone in this way was too much to comprehend and created a wound so deep that it would take many months, if not years to heal. I could not understand what I had done to have deserved such punishment.

Prior to this event I was a strong, independent, and sassy woman who did not shy away from challenges and would confidently address conflict head on. I was loud, I was good-humoured, and at times, admittedly, I was a bit outrageous, but I was also extremely kind-hearted and always willing to listen and help anyone in need. Now here I was refusing to leave the sanctuary of my bed, ignoring calls and worse, ignoring the world outside hoping to remain in my reclusive state for as long as I could. It is possible that I cleaned my teeth, the memory is hazy; I know I neither showered nor brushed my hair. What was the point, I had no reason, no direction!

Then one day there was a spark, a white-hot spark of anger so fierce that I remembered just who I was and what I had endured in the past. I had always been somewhat of a rebel, a maverick, the hero of my own story and more importantly, a survivor – was I really going to let this ruin me – I have overcome so much in my life that I would not, could not allow this to be the thing that broke me. I may have loved my job but there are other jobs, and more importantly, there are other things in my life that I loved far, far more. I realised that life was going to go on and I had to find a way to go on with it. In order to move forward I first had to acknowledge that this was not my fault. I did not deserve what had happened to me and it was the actions of others, people who were toxic, people who were incapable of celebrating the success of others who had created this situation.

Personally, I applaud the achievements of colleagues and loved ones, I love to see people do well, life is not a competition, there is room for us all to earn our stripes. I also know I am a high achiever; I know I am a perfectionist and if I set out to do something I rarely fail. And I know that I am too much for some people and I get that – not everyone wants to see you shine.

For some people, the brightness of your light shows up the dullness of theirs and rather than allow your light to nourish theirs so they too can shine bright, they need to put yours out. By extinguishing your light, they do not have to change, they do not have to acknowledge that their light is duller or put the work in to make their own shine brighter.

So, although my light was temporarily suffocated by the devastation of betrayal, it began to flicker slowly back to life like the embers of a fire long forgotten. The rage I felt at the injustice of my situation fanned the flames until my light shone bright again. I started to make plans; I began to see my situation as an opportunity to start over, not just a new career but a new outlook with new priorities. I had spent years putting all my efforts into my career and, while I really did enjoy the work I did, I lost sight of what was really precious in my life; my beautiful family and fabulous friends. It took this hideous episode to show me just how much these amazing people impact my life and that my energy first and foremost should always be focussed on them. They showed me such unconditional love and support during this most appalling period of my life and helped me find both my smile and my laughter again. They turned my light back on to the highest watt! And the surest thing I knew above anything else; nobody was going to put my light out again. Nor would I ever allow myself to be in a position where I would be expected to dim my light to suit others whose light doesn’t shine as bright, who feel threatened by my light or who have no motivation to shine brighter themselves. In the words of the fabulous motivational speaker Lisa Nichols: “I’m not dimming my light; I’m just going to hand you some shades”

It has not been an easy recovery and at times I am still overwhelmed with grief for what I lost but then I remind myself that if it was a path really meant for me, I would still be there. I also remind myself that to be in such a toxic environment would be unhealthy, unwise, and not something I should long for. I have rebuilt what I lost, I found a job where I can still make a difference to people, that was important to me, equally important was my desire not to be around too many people. I will never again allow work to be the most important thing in my life. My family and my friends are my highest priority and will always be. I enjoy my new job and when I am working, I give it my all, once a high achiever always a high achiever, but once my shift is done so am I. I will never again stick my head above the parapet to be target practice for someone whose light is not as bright nor will I put myself forward for anything extra – I do my job (very well), I get paid, I go home, that is all!

My loved ones have commented on how much they admired my ability to bounce back from this experience, in such a short space of time – I tell them I did not have a choice. Once you hit the very bottom, there is only one way to go and that is up! How fast you rise is up to you.

Ultimately, the experience has changed me. I am mistrustful of those not in my circle and I am okay with that. Not everyone has to be part of your tribe, they can be in your life, you can have great relationships with them but at the end of the day you keep your circle tight and you won’t be disappointed, you won’t be betrayed and you won’t have to pick the pieces of your shattered self up off the floor because you trusted the wrong people.

And just as I am too much for some people, I am more than enough for my people. There is nothing my tribe would change about me and that is a good place to be, a safe place to be and the only place I want to be.