My Dear Daughter,

No human relation gives one possession in another—every two souls are absolutely different. In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone. ~ Kahlil Gibran

I have become a fan of Kahlil Gibran. His quotes not only explain life and love but give perspective to them. They are laden with insights into our daily life. If we could just embrace them and apply them into our life, life would be like a beautiful song, it would be as beautiful as these cascading mountains of Blue Ridge Parkway. I’m on Blue Ridge Parkway milepost and trying to apply the meaning to his quotes to my life. 

It is 8 AM on October 10th, 2020. It’s early in the morning and I’m watching the morning mist lift on Blue Ridge Mountain. The morning is chilly and the air is crisp. The Mountains are covered with different shades of fall colors as far as I can see. The leaves are changing and some have changed, giving the impression of colorful mountains. Your father and I have been on a 407 mile drive through Blue Ridge Parkway in the Appalachian mountains, which is famous for their fall foliage drive. We started at Pisgah mountain and we plan to end at Waynesboro, Virginia at the end of the parkway. 

We have taken many trips in the past. But this has been very different from others. Sitting in the two seater Mazda that he is so proud of and enjoying these amazing beautiful views, is making me contemplate my life. I have been living with this wonderful person day in and out for almost twenty five years. He has always been there, for all the ups and downs of my life. Always giving hands with a smile. This trip was his call, maybe that’s why he was more attentive and serving me? Or, is just his nature to keep me comfortable? His gestures made me realize, have I appreciated him enough? Yes, I have told him on several occasions that “marrying him was the best decision of my life,” but is that enough? This thought has been lingering on the back of my mind throughout this trip. The amazing view at every mile post, with colorful mountains of pink, orange, mauve, brown leaves swaying in the air and dazzling with the sun as we pass, have been a constant reminder of how beautiful nature is and how beautiful a person that taking me on this ride is — I am mesmerized. 

I still remember my first meeting with your father like it was yesterday. We carry different opinions about it. But, it must be which moment got engraved in our heart. Your father says that we met in a book inauguration. He describes it with a dreamy filmy tone — as it is playing in a slow motion in his mind — I was holding a video camera on my shoulder and taking films. A common friend of ours introduced us and I turned around slowly and said hi to him. There and then, he says he knew “that’s the girl.” I do remember that day but not in such a fashion. I remember  knowing him slowly and gradually by working with the Election Observation Committee. I was in their welcoming committee to welcome international observers and he was their photographer. Nepal was having the first democratic election in its history and it was a big event for the whole country. Back then, I used to work with human rights groups and it was one of the projects that I was assigned to. We worked together in this committee with other friends of ours. 

Since he was a still photographer, he was always walking around with a camera ready to take pictures of his friends. He took good pictures, so we never declined an opportunity for a photoshoot. Every time I am in front of the camera, he would take his time to focus on me.  Friends used to tease him about that. That was that. There was no more to it. We were all good friends and enjoyed good times together. This continued for a few months. Then, the day came for the first kiss. Then, the day to say goodbye as I moved to the USA, leaving him behind. Eventually, after a long six months, he could join me and we got married in Florida. We have been together since then. We will be celebrating our silver jubilee, 25 years, in May. 

Like so many other trips, we had left for Blue Ridge Parkway without any particular plan or iritanary. His plan was to just flow with the wind and that’s what we were doing. This morning, we left our hotel after the sun rose and headed to the top of Pisgah mountain, through the narrow winding road with colorful trees lined up on either side. The driveway was covered with fallen leaves, still wet on morning dew, giving a slippery feel to it. We were in a two seater Mazda Miata with an open top. I can feel the cold, autumn, mountain air on my face as I watch a 360 degree view of the surrounding. The color galor of leaves of all shades of red, yellow, gold, brown and greens swaying on the mountain air and when the sunlight hits on the right spot would sparkle like the diamonds. It was so beautiful and unforgettable. The view, the air, the company were so perfect, I didn’t want the driving to end. Well, we got to the top of the mountain. The cascading view of Blue Ridge mountains welcomed us. The breathtaking view of  mountains with its blue hue and colorfulness was very captivating. I just wanted time to freeze and leave me alone with my beloved to enjoy the view forever.  

Every milepost on Blue Ridge Mountain Parkway has a mesmerizing view of the cascading Blue Ridge Mountains. There are twenty mileposts in Blue Ridge mountains that are considered to be “must-stops.” We stopped at only the ones with the view. Each and every stop we made, was indescribably beautiful. The most memorable stop was at Mt. Mitchell. Mt. Mitchell is considered the highest peak of Blue Ridge Mountain. The elevation was 6400 ft with a full view of cascading Blue Ridge Mountain. The walk from the parking lot to the top of the mountain was a short paved way. There were lots of visitors, all of them keeping a distance or wearing a mask since the COVID-19 pandemic is still our reality. The chilly air started to hit me in my face,making me shudder with cold. Your father offered me his hand and I took it, hoping to absorb some warmth from him. I recently realized that I have a cold allergy. It just gives me hives if I am out in the cold without sufficient warmth. But it has not stopped me from venturing out in the cold. 

We made it to the top of the mountain. The mountain top had 360 degree view. The air was cold and crispy. Looking from the top of the mountain, I could see a cascading blue mountain, covered with fog, giving the impression of being on top of the cloud. The surrounding was misty, making it an enchanted mountain. The sun was playing hide and seek. The smaller mountains around were covered in all hues of red, orange and green. But on the Mountain itself, I could touch the spiky pines next to the barricade. The air, the beauty, the colors, it was all indescribably beautiful. The circumambient was so magnificent tears started to roll down from my eyes. I could not stop it, I was so grateful for such a beauty.

On top of Mount Mitchell, him working so hard to keep me warm, rubbing his hands in between photo shoots to pass the warmth to me, really did it for me. What is keeping our love strong and growing each day? It might be the combination of each other’s little acts of love and caring, or the constant work we put into our relationship. Or is it a pure divine intervention? It must be a combination of all that. The sparkle of love in his eyes must be the result of our constant effort to keep each other comfortable and satisfied. I can tell with confidence that this love has been growing and maturing each day.  

Our life has not been an easy road. We moved to a new society — with no single person speaking our language or culture at a very early age. Maybe that’s been a blessing in disguise.  It helped us to grow in a strong friendship. We had no one other than ourselves in the beginning. We became best of friends and confidants for each other. We went everywhere, did everything together out of necessity. But now we prefer each other. He is my “everything partner.” I prefer him, because he makes me feel comfortable and secure. I can trust him for my needs. In Mt Mitchell, he was trying to keep me warm but other times his thoughtfulness has gone beyond expression. His acts of little love are expressed in so many ways. I can count on him, without me asking, to carry a  tissue paper to wipe my nose during our walks or have my glass of water sitting on the counter top, just long enough to bring it to room temperature, because I like it that way after my workout. 

Those little acts of care and thoughtfulness have been the foundation of our relationships. It has taken time to build this bond. The building block for this has been several factors. I feel most important of all, is not complaining about each other. Neither of us have taken our issues to the public. We don’t complain about each other to family or friends. We never talked or complained about each other in public unless we have mutually agreed beforehand to make it public. So, we never had a space for the public in our relationship. I feel this is a very important factor to build a strong relationship. Of course we had issues, fights, disagreements between us like any other couple but those stayed between us and in the four walls of our house. 

To be very honest, I have been mad with him more than several times. But, I have made a point to talk to him about issues that bothered me. I would write about it. Writing down about unhappiness gives me catharsis and would help me to emerge with a new point of view on the matter. Most of the time just getting it out would help it to resolve on its own, or I would bring it to the table and we would talk about it. I want you to know that your father is not skilled at expressing his emotions or feeling, like the majority of men in our society. Lot of the time, he would be totally unaware of the issues that are bothering me. So, I have no choice besides bringing it to his attention and talking about it. I have become so proficient in expressing my feelings, making me a better communicator. 

It brings to the most important factor in any relationship  — communication. This has been the backbone of our relationship. There is nothing in this world that cannot be talked over. This has been our motto and we have always worked on it. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of open and good communication. Lack of good communication is the cause of misunderstanding and splitting of relationships. It is very important that we express our feelings to each other. If there are any issues that need to be brought to each other’s attention, believe me, we have done that. When two people are living together day and night for years, they will have misunderstandings. We had fair shares of them too. The only way to get over such misunderstandings is to have open communication between partners.

These open communications are possible only with the trust and good intention of both partners. Total trust is an important aspect of healthy relationships. Both of us have created an environment and behavior and invested enough time on building trust with loyalty. I know that I am not perfect and dont expect him to be either. We all have flaws, but loyalty is something we have in common. As we got together 25 years ago, we brought it to the relationship and have maintained it. This helped us to build trust on each other and work on our weaker areas. This strong bond of trust has held us together in this self oriented, culturally broken, and divorce directed society. It has brought us 25 years of good life and will take us many more down the road, “till death do us part.”

There are several factors that tie two people together. We did start with love in first sight. Contrary to popular belief, these kinds of love do still exist. But, that love in first sight will have to go through its maturity, which will require constant effort and work. As it starts getting mature, the need to nurture continues but with different dimensions and needs to it. We have been attuned to the growing need and changing dimension of love to keep protecting and providing enough attention to it. This intimate, mature love is built on little moments in-between the big stuff, like having warm dinner on the table as I get back from work, massaging my achy legs after the days work, letting me fart inside the blanket and not complaining, going for a walk with me without any complaint, adoring my cooking, and encouraging me on my personal growth. The lists are endless.

Those little acts of love have kept our love thriving. I can still see the twinkle in his eyes everytime I look at him. Definitely like many other couples our lives have been through a roller coaster. We had to swim upstream more than several times in our lives. Even though life has given us hardship like it does to everybody, I never remember your father raising his voice at me. It is me who would sulk, or get upset with him. But I have never raised my voice either. The respect for each other has always been there.Your father is like a constant, flowing river and me would bring tides on them. I’m like a feisty little firecracker, if not handled appropriately would burn everything down. 

We are very different in nature. We have different interests with some similarities. So, we have divided our roles according to our interest to raise a family. I have taken responsibility to maintain inside of the house. There are days that I need help but I will have to ask for it or he has to be in the mood to help. I have learned that men just don’t see the pile of chores, we women find and see. Does it make me mad? Yes, sometimes. Do we fuss about it? Not really, because I know he is taking care of the work outside. There are days where he works all day outside and I just sit and write my blog. 

After living together for a long time our interests are blending. We definitely have picked up each other’s interests. But that does not mean we will finish sentences for each other, even though it is very tempting. Each of us have grown and learned in our own ways and there is always that knowledge that is going to be a driving force for each of us. These days, it has become easier to come to a conclusion on a plan than previous years. We have always respected each other’s interest and will continue to do it. 

Recently, I read Dr Chapman’s book called The Five Love Languages. Author Gary Chapman theorized in his book that there are five ways love can be expressed for each other. Those are giving gifs, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical contact. According to the author the relationships that are including more than one love languages are having lasting relationships. It is a great book and those concepts can be applied to all relationships. After reading the book, I tried to analyze my husband’s love languages. It became very obvious to me that I have been speaking his love languages. Has he spoken my language? I don’t know my love languages. Only language that comes to mind is quality time — well, I think he is starting to speak my language. 

Relationships are very rewarding and fun. It is very satisfying to grow old with your sweetheart. But it is also constant work. To have a meaningful relationship, both partners have to be present here and now. There are differences in everything because we are different human beings. In a relationship, the effort of two individuals should be to come in the middle and meet. That is why marriage is called compromise. Because, we are constantly trying to meet in the middle for the partner’s interest. That’s what we did and still do. Both partners have to have a drive to work on it, constantly. 

It was a long time ago, April of 1995. In contrast to this cold crisp mountain air, we were in the hot, humid air of Biratnagar, Nepal. I had known your father for a few months. We used to hang out together in a big group of friends. Then came the wedding of his uncle. We were all invited. Some of our friends decided to go and attend the wedding. I was waiting on my paperwork from the college in the USA. He asked me if I would do the video recording of the wedding. I agreed. My uncle and Aunty lived in that city and I had been wanting to visit them before, leaving for the USA. It was a perfect request and perfect timing for me. 

It was early summer in Nepal. We got on the night bus from Kathmandu to Biratnagar around 4 PM in the afternoon. Buses ran at night. Biranagar is 500 kilometers away from Kathmandu, a small town in Eastern Nepal. In the middle of the night, the raindrops on top of our head woke us up. It had started to rain and the roof of the bus above us was leaking. We did everything we could to stay dry while we sat there. The night air was cold, we had no blankets. We borrowed jackets and huddled together until we got to our destination.  

The wedding was the next day. Back then, weddings were performed at night as an all night event. In Nepali weddings, the groom goes to the bride’s house for the ceremony. There is a music band for entertainment, dinner and sometimes a sleeping area for the groom and his guests. The wedding night was hot, humid with tons of mosquitoes like any other summer nights in Biratnagar. Our group was actively taking videos and still pictures at the wedding. We decided to take a break from the ceremony. We walked away to an open area for some fresh air towards the main road. It was quiet and dark. Only sound present was the nocturnal chorus of the insects. We sat in the middle of the road culvert, hoping to get some cold night air. But the air was hot and muggy. The cold cement was feeling good to touch. Then your father quietly kissed me and said “I love you” and in reply I kissed him back and replied “I love you too.” That’s how it all started. 

Since then, my relationship with your father has been the foundation of my life. It is the most important part of my life. He is my success, my joys, fears, my sadness. I can’t imagine how my life would be without him. Even though it feels like that I know all about him, he is still a mystery to me. There are still unknown and developing parts in him that are always new to me. The same applies to him. Each and every stage of our life is precious on its own. I have been a miser on thanking him for everything he does for me. I want him to know that he is appreciated for the last twenty-five years and am looking forward to spending many more years with him. I have always told him that he was the best decision of my life and I still think saying yes on that hot summer night was the best deed I have done for myself. 

With lots of love,

Mamu