I want to make it clear that I am not writing this to act like a sob piece. I have made a journey, and continue to journey, that I feel so many of us are on. This is me offering you what I went through to get where I am today. I am not perfect nor did I do everything correctly. Sharing what I went through will hopefully give you some courage, some guidance, or even a small glimmer of hope. If anything, I hope these articles will let you know that you are not alone and it is ok to make yourself happy. 

I spent most of my growing up years playing a game of dodgeball. Not the literal game we all played in gym class but the life version where we try to stay out of the spotlight of bullies and spend our time yearning for acceptance from anyone other than our own mothers. Through this game of dodgeball, I developed a very common habit of making others happy. So much so that when I got into my late 30’s, I had no real idea of who I was. I had no idea of what I liked to do. Worst of all there was no conceivable way to express any other feeling than that I was “fine”. 

My friendships were based on anyone who would show any kind of interest in hanging out with me. I was so used to ridicule that I grasped any kind of attention that I could. Now that the first obstacle was done with, all I had to do was keep them happy. This meant studying them in great detail. I had to know what made them happy and what made them mad. Their likes and dislikes. Knowing everything I could so that if they asked what I want to do I could just tell them something I knew they wanted and life would be good. Ironically, this made me an incredible listener. Something that would benefit me dealy when I got my first girlfriend.  

For a time I was able to convince myself that this is happiness. Why wouldn’t it be? Surrounded by lots of friends should be a sign of the right path. Let me tell you it was exhausting and empty. These are not true friends. They were in the relationship as much for me as I was always feeling “Fine”. I spent so many years trying to figure out what would make them happy that I stunted my own growth. My mind was so focused on picking the same hobbies as my friends. Liking the same music as they would listen to. Going to movies they would like instead of a movie that I would want to go see. 

I had this so-called friendship thing down so well that I was best friends with almost everyone. There was one major problem. They were not my best friends. It is true that at the time I thought they were. I had nothing else to compare to. But!!!…. if you remember that wonderful skill I learned through all this. Listening to anyone and everyone brought me through the fog and onto a path that will eventually bring true happiness. I would listen to what people were saying about their own friends. How they acted towards each other. What made a good friend and what would make a best friend. Or even what would make a good romantic relationship. Over the years I started to piece it all together. 

About 5 years ago, I had my emotional awakening. I have been noticing the emptiness of my friendships. I started to question why had the hobbies I had. Did I really like fishing? Or did I go fishing to make others happy to have a fishing buddy. This leads to other questions like why am I always the one to jump up and help people but they seem to have excuses to not help me. Why, when I would get the courage to talk about something I wanted to talk about, the conversation would be flipped back on to them somehow. Yet, I would sit there and listen till they talked so much they would run out of words. I started to notice how one-sided my friendships were. I was wearing these masks so much that I could tell which one was me any longer. 

I didn’t have a plan or a clear path to take. All I knew after my emotional awakening is that I no longer want to surround myself with emptiness. I felt it was better to be by myself than to be alone amongst people who probably didn’t even care that much. All I knew is that I needed to take the first step. This was no little step like I was walking down the sidewalk. This first step was HUGE. Huge for someone who has dedicated his life to making others happy. That first step was saying “no” when my whole being is used to saying “yes”. Not only did I have to say “no” but I had to be ok with it. 

One major thing I noticed was it was ok for my friends to say no to me but I never felt I could say no to them. Some would get angry and call me the worst person ever. Others would be so hurt that they would cry until I apologized. But if they said no to me, they could somehow justify it. No matter how much I would be hurt from it. I had to learn to say no to these people and be ok with it. To be ok with them being unhappy or confused by my answer. I had to learn that my decisions don’t need to be justified all the time. I no longer would make plans that I didn’t really want to make. Noe, I wasn’t acting like some jerk when I started to stand up for myself. I was simply making space in my life for realness.  

Let me tell you that this first step was not easy but it had to be done. People were confused and hurt. They didn’t understand why I was acting differently than the last 10 years they have known me. It may not seem like it, but this was a good sign. I am not proud that these people were “hurt” but this was crucial for me to find how real everything was. You see, friends will come to you and find out what is going on and try to fix things between the two of you. What I found was that none came back for the second time. Like I wasn’t worth the hassle or the time. I gave a good chunk of my life dedicated to these people. I found out who was real and who was just there to have attention. 

I will tell you this, It is never too late to make yourself happy. It is scary as hell to let go of everything you held to be true. Unless you are willing to rid yourself of these empty relationships and learn to love you, you will never know what true happiness feels like. Sometimes true happiness is knowing that being alone is better than being lonely amongst people. I am not telling you to go and drop all your friendships and start over. But it will be worth taking time out of your day to focus on yourself. Get to know the real you. I found a love for photography that I never knew I had because my friends never wanted to do it. I found out that allowing myself the freedom to suggest something that I wanted to do instead of what they wanted to do was not only ok but is beneficial in a real friendship. You are worth it.