“12 Signs they’re a Narcissist and Why You need to leave NOW” “How to tell you’re being Gaslighted” “Why Narcissists CAN’T change”. Just a few examples of the sort of articles that are CONSTANTLY scrolling across my feed on a daily basis, and there’s a very REAL chance I’m triggered, but I’m not angry, and I’m not overly emotional; I am just so.damned.SAD.

I am not a clinical psychologist, I need to be VERY Clear. However, after decades of therapy and an inherent distrust of people, resulting from a lifetime of trauma endured, (that I spent years healing from); I AM a research nerd, and lifelong student. When you add insomnia into the mix you get a “light reading list” of anything from Anatomy and Physiology books (true story I just regifted someone a course book that I hadn’t ever gotten ridden of), to Neil Gaiman, Ekhart Tolle, or even the current 5th Volume of the DSM (a tool used to diagnose mental health disorders). At one point in my path I was pursuing a Doctorate in Theology, with a focus on Ancient Polytheism and Minoring in Philosophy. I love to learn, and I love to teach, and I am absolutely enamoured with the inner workings of the human condition. Be it my Aquarius/Picese Cusp Sun Sign, or Buddhist Practices I subscribe to,  I have ALWAYS wanted to be of service to my fellow humans. It was in deep study specifically on the ego, and projection (and probably my posthumous crush on Jung) that deviated me from this path when I realized I didn’t need that certification to make my mark, nor to teach. And that it wouldn’t TRULY make me more valuable as a human being, merely more valuable to CERTAIN human beings, because of their projections and perceptions. And it leads to what I’m writing about at this very moment. Our societally inherited Fragile Ego.

I’m American. I need to start with that as I draw your attention no further than how we are taught our own American History as children, and the lasting effects that is sure to inspire at such a young age. Be it the Trail of Tears, Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat, or Desert Storm; we seem to be big perpetuates of a one sided narrative. Only within the last few years have history books been revised to offer commentary condemning acts of segregation and brutality towards others, but even then; it just isn’t possible to explain that history is taught by the Victors, and thus subject to their biases, but more importantly that there are SO many different facets to one particular story. It makes it all too easy to say that one thing is right, while the other wrong, failing to address the ways it is equally both and more depending on which side you’re standing on. If I say to you that I prefer cats to dogs, that does not mean I hate dogs, and yet if you were to post that as a facebook status, there’s a HIGH probability that someone would comment in a vein of that circular logic. Which leads me to my final points of the evening, we are lacking in accountabilty as individuals, and projecting our wounds onto others, not only handicapping our own growth, but also normalizing intolerance and abuse and enslaving ourselves in a victim mentality when we continue to externalize our wounds as the trauma and fault of others.

We need to rethink what we’ve been told about Narcissism. And for Goddess Sake, we need to stop throwing that label around so flippantly without even understanding what Narcissism is and how we ALL posses Narcissitic traits. In fact, healthy Narcissism is responsible for everything from our ability to recover set backs, to creating self esteem. And less than 3-7 percent of the global population is diagnosed with NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which means that on the sliding scale of Narcissism they’re unable to function. This goes into deeper levels of psychosis including the types lacking in empathy that result in malignance, and destruction. Just because your roomate posts a million selfies, and doesn’t seem open to understanding your point of view doesn’t make her a Narcissist. Even if you’ve been unendingly kind and compassionate, in fact it might actually speak to your OWN codependency issues, and lack of self love and respect to not find a way to communicate if you’re feeling taken advantage of and used. 
 
It’s fascinating to me how no one seems to make the connection that to believe your own view point of someone as the most accurate deduction is inherently DESTRUCTIVE, and egoic. Ironically cultivating our own unhealthy Narcissitic traits as we forget that so many factors go into just one version of reality. Intention for example, is found to be incredibly important. For if it’s the “thought the counts” why are we often times so bereft when the shot “misses the mark”? I will never forget when someone once very dear to me shouted in my face, “Obviously you’re suffering from the Dunning-Kreuger Effect,” which is a belief that you are far more competent and educated in something than you’re able to demonstrate. Seeing as he was an Audio Engineer and Business Major that hadn’t really delved into fields like psychology or even really any of the Humanities beside Musical Theory and Practice, I couldn’t help but find it Ironic that HE appeared to be suffering the same, as what made him believe he had the authority to pronounce that? That’s the question I pose to all of you. It’s not to dismiss your experiences what so ever, I’ve BEEN there. Merely to help you look internally, because we are only able to identify things as we understand them, and if you’re perceiving someone as Narcissitic and toxic, aren’t YOU just as guilty for assuming as much?