I came across this humorous post online:

“Stranger: Nice to meet you.

Me: Give it time.”

I laughed and cringed. I time travelled through my range of dysfunctional relationships, all starting off with one or another version of “nice to meet you.” From being called “the C-Word” from a friend I thought least likely to hear that from, to being insulted while I was simultaneously flirted with and asked out (all because I was being groomed for that treatment by a toxic person), to being stranded at a stranger’s place because a friend didn’t think I appreciated her enough, I have had my fair share of experiences in which I regretted the early “nice to meet you” relationship origins.

And, before I sound too high and mighty, I have also been my own version of a regrettable (and unstable) “nice to meet you” situation myself. I have been “the needy chic,” waiting by the phone, following a guy around constantly. Back in my severely disordered, anorexic days, I was so out of control, I stole, binged on, and threw away my college roommates’ “forbidden” food, all because I couldn’t have that temptation in my presence.

I believe the clinical term for my behavior is “hot mess.”

Seriously, when it comes to “nice to meet you” situations gone awry, I cannot throw stones. I dwell in a glass townhouse with an attached garage.

Concerning these “nice to meet you” situations, why do they sometimes go so badly?

Perhaps it is because…

We operate under the assumption of pleasant:

“I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Casablanca

Okay, okay, okay, maybe not every relationship is like Casablanca’s epic-ness, but we generally start off with good intentions, don’t we?

Yes, we often operate under the assumption that this new interaction or relationship will be pleasant. Unless we have been so burned to the point of suspicion and bitterness, typically, when we encounter someone, we give them the benefit of the doubt. We believe this time, this person, this experience will be harmless, innocent, and even great, depending upon, perhaps, positive first impressions, our unmet needs expressing hope that we will be loved, heard, seen, and valued, and, of course, good ole’ naiveté.

We want to believe there is nothing nefarious; there is no hidden agenda or ulterior motive. We want to believe we can trust in the certainty interacting with this person will go well.

And sometimes, it does. And sometimes, it can become more nightmare than realized dream.

So, what’s the game plan going in? Employ realistic expectations… and time. Wait and see. Look at the actions, not just the words. Every cliché, yes.

If we are codependent, in any way, however, that is not second nature to us. We have a tendency to expect the nice to show up.

And that places pressure, not only on the situation or the other person, but on us as well.

Therefore, if we’re not careful, the nice can become hellish, because we are not looking at anything beyond “nice to meet you.”

And we need to look in more than that one direction.

We insist on lasting BFFs.

I once impulse bought two adorable stuffed puppies, joined together, with “BFFs” written on both of their puppy chests.

Those stuffed animals spotlight how much and how often we use that phrase in our culture.

BFFs.

Before it took hold of us the way it has now, it was often written in many yearbooks, high school notebooks, and diaries. There’s much emphasis on females, especially, to pair bond with a certain female who will magically qualify as that “Best Friend Forever.”

And, while it is possible to remain best friends with someone from grade school or high school, most of the time, it is more of a rarity than a common occurrence.

BFFs. It screams “Acquisition,” doesn’t it? Like Pound Puppies, Bratz dolls, or whatever the current toy craze is currently going on now, there seems to be this latching, demanding pressure to “Collect them all!”

The basis of a sound, healthy friendship.

We do seem to hoard when it comes to people. We have more difficulty releasing people which may be toxic. We struggle to realize we have outgrown some individuals. Some “friendships” are not built to last. Some are temporary.

A phrase I have given more thought to over the last few years is this:

“People come into your life for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime.”

Our task is to determine and accept, which people go with each instance.

And then we need to act accordingly.

People are not to be collected and hoarded. People are meant to be in healthy relationship with one another.

That is much more powerful than the catchy phrase, “BFFS.”

Our immaturity (insecurity) needs to trump time.

It can often come down to one important issue, with a question attached to it.

Gimme: why?

There are many possible theories. Here are mine.

We don’t like to be alone.

Sometimes, we are desperate for connection; we are desperate for relationship. This can go beyond simply wanting to get married right now. It encompasses friendship and companionship.
We want anything… and anyone…anything EXCEPT being alone.

Enter, then, immaturity and insecurity. These factors can often drive us to become greedy and grabby. Like the famous Queen song, “I want it all… and I want it now!”

Come on, admit it, you have been there. Maybe you’re there right now.

Whatever the case may be, the concept of patience is not enjoyable to us. No, no, no! Gimme, instead! I want him! I want her! I want them!

We don’t want to wait, especially if it is for our own good.

We believe the lie that the absolute worst pain we could experience is being alone, without that spouse, lover, friend. But sometimes, aloneness is exactly what we need, accompanied by its buddy, time. Maybe we need to heal. Maybe we need to mature. Maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe, even, nothing about this situation and/or person is right.

Pressuring ourselves and rushing into something (or someone), however, does not provide the lasting fulfillment.

If that’s there, that is a cautionary red flag we would do well to heed.

And spend some alone time with ourselves, apart from everyone and everything else.

We don’t want to get to know ourselves, as ourselves.

With the prospect (or threat, depending upon how you view it) of all of this alone time looming for us, many of us struggle with getting to know ourselves.

Is it truly nice to meet ourselves? Is it?

A lot of us believe happiness is found in someone else. We don’t believe we are capable of making ourselves happy, in our own right.

Other people equal distraction, a/k/a, a reprieve from being left alone with our thoughts and the screaming question marks, asking us, “Who am I?”
We want any other noise to drown that out. And sometimes, a certain person comprises that perfect noise to keep the silence, the fear, and the hurt away.

However, as long as we are looking to and for someone else to tell us who we are and give us value, we are neglecting ourselves. We are refusing to know and accept ourselves. We are refusing to love and respect ourselves.

Like the fairytale premise of kissing many frogs to get our Prince Charming, we can become convinced that if we just encounter “the right” nice-to-meet-you interaction and person, then all will be solved.

And it doesn’t work like that. We kiss and kiss and kiss. We look and look and look. We ignore and ignore and ignore ourselves, waiting for someone else to solve us.

As long as we keep doing that, however, the riddle does not get solved.

We don’t want reality (truth) messing with our fairytales.

Prince Charming…Dream Girl… Friends Forever…“Happily ever after…”

That’s what drives all of the above, isn’t it?

“Happily ever after…”

What does that look like in those early “nice-to-meet-you” moments?

What truths would we be willing to overlook? What red flags?

What lies would we want to try to make true for ourselves?

After all, fairytales ARE prettier, easier, neater, more glamorous than imperfect reality.

Why do we need an escape valve? A fantasy? Why do we potentially see that in every new person we encounter? Why?

It’s about pain, isn’t it? Unless you and I are sadists (and one can argue that we all are, in our own unique ways), we generally try to avoid pain at all costs.

Rejection, loneliness, loss, failure, disappointment, frustration are all various points of pain. And they don’t feel good. We want to rid ourselves of them as much as we possibly can. Some of us find the remedy, the antidote, and the cure, therefore, in the meeting of someone new. And it’s exciting to think about, isn’t it? There is the rush, the possibilities, the promise, the hope that can be attached to any new person.

Who wouldn’t get intoxicated by that?

And we often do.

Is this whole thing something that is nice to be met?

It doesn’t matter how things look. It doesn’t matter how things should appear to be.

What IS?

What IS?

Can we look at it without flinching?

Is what you and I are meeting, indeed, something that is nice to be met? That can be another person; that can be ourselves.

How do we feel about- and respond to– that introduction?

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse