One of the things that helped was sitting outside by the fire every night. When I sat there all bundled up sitting by the fire, all I could think of was I wanted to be free all the pain I was carrying. I knew ending my life was not a choice, as it was just not a choice. I had started connecting to myself and it felt good but at the same time it was very dark. To see myself, to hear myself, to feel myself, all the things that I was running from, I had to face with my strength.

I had to learn to sit with myself in my mind where all the memories were, it was hard at first so extremely hard, but slowly I was getting glimpses of a sense of peace. I hated being in my head with my thoughts, it was so overwhelming at first. I had flashbacks upon triggers, it was like I could not breathe, I could not think, I just could not do damn thing, but take a ride with the dark emotions no matter where it led me. I had felt like I did not have any control, I had to learn how to regulate my emotions again. I started being more mindful of when I got triggered, so I can start figuring out the puzzle of healing.

If I knew what I was feeling, then I can name it. That was hard to figure out about my triggers, I had to really look at my reactions to the different situations that I was in. One of the things I had feared facing the things I had done, when I was hurting. I am not proud of the things and who I have hurt but I did learn the lessons I needed to and it took everything in me to do it. I would get triggered by my guilt in my actions of the past and I had to learn how to forgive myself. Self-love was the major factor into my healing.

That is, it for now as I have class in 4 minutes. I hope I can help someone who reads this as I wish I had direction in my dark times. There is hope that you can heal, its hard work and takes dedication to yourself but it is so worth it in the end. I am grateful.