As human beings, we are always seeking acceptance. We want people to like us and we want to become a part of social groups.

But unfortunately, things don’t work this way every time! And, as a result, we feel neglected and begin to question our credibility, we begin to believe that we lack something and that is why we are not accepted……! If these negative feelings are not acknowledged and corrected, they can lead to mental health issues such as depression!

Therefore, we try different ways and means to fit into groups. We often compromise on our belief systems and values just to be accepted by a group. This is just as damaging to the self-esteem of the individual as not being included in a group.

This is because each time the individual does something that is not aligned with his/her being to be a part of the group, he causes himself a lot of stress. He tries to justify this stress by convincing himself that “it is worth it!”

Let me tell you my story where I was always the “odd one out!” I never seemed to fit-in and always questioned myself, and almost reached the point where I began to believe that I seriously lacked something! 

  As a child, I had an awesome life at home with my parents. There was unconditional love in our family in its purest version. My parents loved me for just being Me! I did not have to excel in my academics or win trophies in anything to prove my worth to them at any stage in life.

While this type of bringing up is very empowering and builds confidence in the individual, it makes him “unfit” for the outside world!

The real world where competition is the hallmark of existence, where we live life trying to prove our worth to others, where we have to look a certain way, behave a certain way, do all kinds of things just to be accepted and loved!

Love and acceptance become trophies that we try desperately to win!

So, right from my school days, I felt that I stuck out like a “sore thumb” wherever I went. It started when I moved to a top school in the city from a simple ordinary one. 

My new school was all glitz and glamor! We had girls from rich business families, most of whom were extraordinary to look at! There were girls in the boarding who hailed from abroad. The way they spoke, the way they carried themselves, the entire package made me retreat! Made me feel insignificant and worthless! I had a few friends. However, I did not dare to discuss my feelings with anyone including my family. 

In this particular instance, I would not blame anyone for how I felt because no one did anything to hurt me or feel miserable. They were just being themselves. It was just that they were different from what I was and I could not “fit-in!”

I however managed to get a great score when I completed my board exams. Although this gave my confidence a tremendous boost, seeds of inferiority complex had been sown at this stage.

I went to a junior college where I found getting along with others easier. However, I still had self-doubts about several aspects of my personality. For instance, I always felt that others dressed better than me, I was a “plain-jane,” etc.

So, here I was, a gawky teenager, seeking acceptance and validation which were hard to get!

Fortunately for me, my academic performance never let me down. This brought me into the limelight from time-to-time.

When I joined an Engineering college, things changed to a large extent. Since the college was located in a “small town”. The lifestyle of people was simpler compared to those in big cities where I had lived earlier.

It was easier to get accepted and I made several friends. This was the place where I discovered friends whose beliefs and values were more akin to mine. It was easier for me to open up and lead a happier life. After a long time, I had friends who accepted me for just being “Me.” And, I felt things were fine!

Fortunately, this acceptance continued even during the later years when I started working. I worked in different organizations and everyone was happy with my work wherever I went. I felt accomplished and could literally feel my complexes vanishing into oblivion.

The problem of “fitting-in” cropped up again when I got married because of the different family cultures and backgrounds. However, this time it was necessary to “fit-in” and get accepted into the new family. 

With time I learnt the ropes at home and found acceptance. 

But, this was not the end of the story!

The next phase began when we went to Dubai. Here I became a part of some peer groups. As my interactions with group members grew, my long lost inferiority complex began to surface. 

Again, it was not because there was something wrong with the group or group members but somehow I could not “fit-in.” I did not feel a part of the group, I did not feel that belong there!

This was a very vibrant group of extremely talented people and everyone else in the group was very happy.

When you see everyone around you happy to be a part of a group and only you don’t gel, it sets your mind racing with thoughts like, “What is wrong with me?”

Self-doubt only made me miserable and I found it harder to become one with the group!

Over a while, I gave up trying to fit into this particular group! 

The next major change in life was when we moved back to India and had a social circle, and needless to say, again the problem cropped up!

It was around this time that I had started reading and watching videos on spirituality. The concepts of spirituality provided me answers to several questions I had on life. 

This was the time when I began to understand the importance of self-love. Soon I tried to implement the teachings of the spiritual gurus in my life. 

My perspectives changed totally when I started accepting myself for who I was. I began to understand myself. It became easy for me to accept others.

When I became comfortable in my skin, seeking acceptance by others no longer seemed important. I was now accepted by others more easily. However, this does not imply that I began to “fit-in.”

But it did not matter anymore!

I made many friends but was never a part of any group simply because my values and belief systems were rarely aligned with the dynamics of any group. 

And, then one day, a small voice in me said, 

“Heard you are finding it difficult to fit-in?”

I said, “Yes!’

The voice said, “Why are you trying to? Don’t you have anything better to do in life?”

Of course, I had!

I had a lot of writing work to do. 

  So, my inner voice said, “Go on, do your work!” And, remember to look up “exclusive” on the internet!

This suddenly solved all my problems- This was the time I realized that I could not “fit-in” because I was not meant to, maybe I was meant to be exclusive! This is just a thought, a belief that made me feel great about myself!

I don’t know if I really am exclusive or just a “sore thumb” but the exhilaration I get when I think I am exclusive charges me up and makes me excited about my life!

Whatever the situation, it is just your perspective that makes all the difference! 

If you believe that you are the odd one who needs to fit-in then you will spend an entire lifetime trying to fit into different types of peer groups. But, if you change your mindset to that of being “exclusive” your confidence levels will boost and the need to “fit-in” will vanish.

Luckily for me I have now also “fit-into” a group without trying extra hard. I guess, it is true, when they say, “The right people will come to you when the time comes!”

So, I believe that we need to shift our focus from trying to “fit-in” to trying to build ourselves so that we are happy in our own company! And, the right people whose values and belief systems are aligned with yours are bound to reach you!