All of us have qualities of a narcissist. Some more than others, due to trauma, upbringing, and self-awareness.

A narcissist will always put their needs and feelings first. It does not matter what is happening, they will never be uncomfortable or “put out” as to support or meet your needs.

You will often receive little understanding or support, with no intention or plan to meet your needs.

Most conversations about needs will be confusing, where you walk away unsure of what you need, feel unsafe and incapable of having your needs met.

Their comfort is their most important goal, due to the fact that they were never taken care of as children. Their health and safety was never a priority to caregivers. Now their needs will always be their main priority, to make up for this lack. And usually these needs defy and negate your needs (just as their parents’ needs were an ignoring of the narcissist’s needs).

Narcissists are disgusted by vulnerability and your needs, because they are divorced from empathy for themselves and their own healthy needs of connection and intimacy. If you feel like they are repulsed when you are hurt, it is true. Humanity (their humanity and yours) is repulsive and dangerous.

You find yourself consumed with anxiety when you have needs (as you know they will often be denied), or practice numbing behaviors to talk you out of your needs and stay in relationship.

A narcissist might meet needs momentarily and superficially through their words, literal reflection of what you say, to continue having your trust. But actions are not changed.

They demand you take full responsibility for your pain, as most of the emotional burden of the relationship is put onto your shoulders.

There is no accountability or deep awareness and remorse for their actions. Somehow if you are hurt, their emotions and current needs will always outweigh your own.

You find yourself begging, pleading, hoping for bare minimum respect and kindness. Having to spell out every need you have for care, when it might seem obvious to you how to care for you when you are struggling.

They accidentally gaslight you out of every thought and feeling. They have a list of reasons and memories why your current feelings are wrong and invalid.

A narcissist is the most loving, docile, gentle human to all others. It feels as if their wrath is saved for you.
They will say the most defiant, hurtful, almost ridiculously callous things to you, without batting an eye. When you are already vulnerable.

There is no sense of “team.” They are often on their own island and feel they have to defend themselves and get what they want, otherwise, it will be taken from them.

They seem to do well and can comfortably stay in relationship with others who are also consumed by themselves and their ego, with little space for anything else. Once their partner shows healthy need or concern for themselves or the other, defenses go up.

They feel they have strong boundaries, but their boundaries can be mean and cutting, believing cruelty is justified and warranted. Shutting off their compassion is something they see as a healthy boundary.

Narcissists cannot compromise. It is either their way, or no way.

They are terrified of looking bad and their false sense of self confidence being revealed, so they deny, accuse, and defend their feelings at the expense of the relationship and connection.

They use reasons for a relationship being physical attraction, ego boosting, strong reputation/popularity, and can like to be in partnership with people they think might elevate status and sense of self.

They do not seek much emotional support, but avoid accountability or inquiry into their trauma. Because of this they expect you too, to not have needs for emotional support.

A narcissist is only available for people to idolize, and look up to them, with a constant need for positive attention, approval, and praise.

It does not matter if the attention is appropriate or healthy, if they are held in high esteem, they will gravitate and elevate those relationships, until those relationships let them down through confrontation.

They come with a line of obsessed women/men/non gender folk, as their fan club and serve to keep their egos at a certain level. They make them feel special and better than others. There is usually inappropriate flirting and closeness. They will have sexual relationship (or move sexual energy) with usually anyone, if it meets immediate need of feeling wanted/desired, having power, importance, fueling numbness, or sex addiction.

They are allergic to the slightest criticism. Anything less than total worship is a threat to their sense of self, and they will always react nastily and try to make you feel guilty for naming concerns about their behavior. They can spend days acting wounded by a confronting conversation that was never mean or unreasonable.

You are either enemy or saint. You cannot be someone they trust AND someone that confronts their sense of self. Any clear confrontation is often treated with despise, defense, or dismissiveness.
It will feel as though you are crazy and having the same conversation repeatedly. Almost as if they have a loss of memory. The narcissist might display signs of concern and say they do not want to hurt you, while never planning to change behaviors. As change is often seen as a denial of their freedom and a loss of control.

In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist will show up easily, give deeply, and have ample emotional space for their partner, while it feels exciting and easy. Once they are bored or feel imprisoned or threatened, most of their energy and focus will be with anything else, that makes them feel good.

Narcissists give 90 percent of their energy and attention to themselves, with maybe 10 percent left for you and the relationship, demanding that be enough, and any concern you have about this is “needy.”

You are asked to change and compromise. They were never allowed to value themselves as children, so they are in desperate fear of anything that can get in the way of their energy going entirely to themselves.

Narcissists are full of self-hatred. They are incredibly embarrassed of feeling numb and continually feel incapable of meeting needs of partners. They have a story they just can’t love or be loved. They worry that something is truly wrong with them and therefore any criticism scratches at this wound and is hated. They avoid help because they feel they are helpless. They do not want someone to point out what they already know: something feels truly impaired in their intimacy and makes them feel broken. They are afraid of being judged and hated for this and accidentally ensue hate, fear, judgement and anger in their partners as a result. Where they think most people seem to feel connected or eager to connect, they don’t. They are numb. They are afraid no one can turn on what they feel incapable of feeling. There is a lot of shame that keeps them seemingly invulnerable to your pain. It is because they are consumed by their own.

They feel they love you but don’t feel they need you. They can quickly turn off and forget you (especially when you have any inconvenient needs) and deep down this breaks their heart, creating even bigger chasm in intimacy and sense of defense.

A serious fight with a narcissist is never easy or ends well. It damages the relationship sometimes irreparably, and they cannot understand why you are “so sensitive” and “can’t get over it.” They feel if they said or did the right thing, you should be satisfied and let it go and don’t understand why you are still upset. Though you might feel they are lacking true self-awareness, empathy, and concern. They have a feeling that they can never “get it right” so they often just shut down and stay behind their shell where it is safer and they are not feeling as much of the shame of disappointing you.

The relationship with the narcissist is unpredictable. One moment feeling steady and strong, and the other moment you can feel like the literal enemy of this person, receiving anger and attack that is confusing and painful, if you have upset them.

A narcissist vehemently puts you down when you are most vulnerable and hurt by their actions, treating you as a victim and calling you that. There is no empathy for you, especially if you are angry. Simply how they learned to interact with weakness and need by their parents.

A narcissist’s choice words in a fight include:
“That is not what I said,” and will argue your feelings around semantics.
“I already said this/did that. Why are you never happy?”
“I am done talking about this. It is over.”
“I was mad, that is why I said that. I am not trying to hurt you.”
“This is how it is/what I want. I am not changing to suit you.”
“You need to deal with your feelings I cannot help you.”

They feel a lot of shame in this process. Feeling shame is actually hope that they might seek help or change, and can be a reason to hide.

Though there is shame, they have inflated sense of independence and also focus on outer appearance, deeply obsessed with how they come across, often lying or keeping their true needs, values, and feelings at bay.

Narcissists can get attracted to and consumed by relationships with unavailable people, and bring their kindness and energy to those that seem unreachable. They bulldoze or ignore those that love them.

Being wanted, adored, valued, idolized, is more important than being loved. Love is terrifying, confronting, and even humiliating revealing their vulnerability and need for others, thus they can fight against it could try to destroy it completely. Being loved also brings up the excruciating trauma over never being loved by their caregivers, regardless of the gratuitous displays of affection, ego building, and inflating they received.

A narcissist’s trauma history is very intense. Continual ignorance of their emotions and over emphasis on what they do, what they achieve, and how they took care of others (usually parents), and how they look. They got used to and even happy in these roles and were never allowed to develop feelings and needs that might defy or piss off parents, without facing serious harm.

Therefore, stuck in the stage of rebellion and seeking sense of self, narcissists continually defy and go against your needs often out of sheer rebellion and sport (unconsciously), acting selfishly in which children are SUPPOSED to act, living out a childhood they were never allowed to have. They never felt loved for who they are (and never developed who they are with inquiry and support outside of what others think). Their sense of self is usually a denial of authenticity and running from anxiety, instead of a standing in true understanding of themselves. They are always trying to prevent the loss of their identity, as they experienced in their childhood (and can’t relax in times of conflict). They see your independent thoughts/needs/ideas as a threat to their wellbeing. A threat that they have to protect themselves from, just as they needed to protect themselves from their parents, but were unable to.

This is why they are terrified of becoming what you want or meeting your needs, thinking they will disappear or die if they meet/support the needs of someone they are close to in partnership. Just as they disappeared themselves as children, for the wellbeing of their parents.

This hatred of what feels like your softness and need is just a way they protect themselves from feeling the pain of never being allowed to have needs of their own.

They will disappear and distance themselves, instead of face responsibility for their actions. They will disassociate and seek fun and relaxation, especially when you have needs they do not know how to meet.

Narcissists will also be incredibly brilliant, s*xy, life changing creatures, that can make a moment feel like the most special thing you have ever experienced. Those who lean more towards narcissism can also change people’s lives, write books, tell the truth in ways that not many can. They just need lots of accountability around the ugly pieces, to make best use of the good parts and not repeatedly hurt the people they love.

The way to heal the relationship with a narcissist, is if both of you own your contributions to the relationship, and actively make a plan to no longer contribute to the others’ pain or denial of their needs. You must not do all the work, and refuse to continually compromise your needs and health, allowing the narcissist to meet you. The narcissist has to be willing to feel humiliated and completely obliterated in love, and face the pain of experiencing true union. Great trauma awareness is important for you both, as the narcissist will act out the closer and safer they feel. You also have to be willing to tell the truth and stand by it, regardless of how difficult it is to have your needs respected in the early stages of healing. Being gentle with how you feel about them is important, as to help them feel safe to disengage the walls and years of defense they have around their hearts. Otherwise, your own triggers, mistakes, and cruelty, will be hard for the narcissist to heal from and be seen as further amo to not trust what you say or how you feel.