When you go through tough times in life, you often seek answers that aren’t readily available. That the cycle of back and forth, does exist and we must look beyond it. Having 2 panic attacks in a week, brings that to a surface, the unknown of what causes my world to spiral out of control. It’s not the attacks that bother me, its the lack of control that exist with it. To feel the fight or flight mode on a daily basis, its not something I wish on my worst enemies. Today however, I am vowing to take that control back. If you have ever seen the ME vs ME cartoon, you know exactly what I’m talking about, its called being your own worst enemy. That’s not a way to live at all, its a fog of back and forth and hoping that you get to a place that is safe, both mentally and physically. Until then it feels like you have zero control over what would normally be an emotion you can display. The time has come where I need to sit down with a licensed therapist and get to the root of these issues, and finally discuss the subject that I think causes it all: unresolved feelings and lack of closure with my mother’s death. Also playing a factor in all of this is my PTSD, and I’m not going to wave that around like a badge of honor, because lets be real, it’s not more like a scarlet letter.

Suffering from any illness that can’t be seen with the naked eye, leaves you in the catch 22 realm. This I find has happened multiple times in my life: ages 8, 16, 20 and my early 30’s. Each of those times a traumatic event triggered me into feeling, not so safe. It’s amazing what the mind can manifest when given ample opportunity, to prey on your weaknesses as a person. With Covid in the past year, being separated from my grandparents and other life changes, it was a neon sign held above my head. Only now its getting in the way of my growth as a person. I guess I could say when the world was turned upside down, mine was too. That doesn’t stop me from living a normal life, I’m married, I have a full time job, and friends, love photography and yoga. My writing however, is what has been keeping my head above water, without being able to share this side of my life, I would retreat into myself. As I’ve said in the past, mental health is so important, and there is no shame in reaching out to others.

Over the past year and a half, the dynamic in my life has shifted. I left a position that while comfortable, but didn’t allow me the opportunity to grow in the department. Dealing with the hands issue and finding myself unsure of how to feel. Mostly, the betrayal is how I saw the events unfolding in front of me. That was something that I had to work through on my own. Many nights, I sat up crying and wondering what to do next. I had just started really blogging and doing my podcast, and knew that it wasn’t the time to go full force into it. So I came up with a Plan B, but always remember Plan A still exist, we are just veering off course for a minute. I applied to work in the medical part of my job, which has taught me so much as a person, you would be shocked at how many people truly appreciate us during this time. Even though we are approaching the spring and the numbers flip flop, the amount of experience I’m getting through this is vital to my future. It’s not just an asterisk on my resume, its as close to patient care as it gets, minus triage, and treatment. Ive been on both sides of that and learned so much from people who have become close friends.

As I continue on the journey to rediscovering myself, I know that this is a process that I have to be patient with. Besides speaking to my own Dr personally, I’ve been keeping a diary of how I feel daily, and what triggers me most. Whether it be environmental or lifestyle, there has to be a bridge to this gap. The conclusion of ME vs ME is this: don’t be your own worst enemy, which turns into self sabotage. Be the person the world needs, I don’t just advocate for others, but also myself. Ive seen first hand how COVID, has affected people of all ages, and how it breaks them mentally. The mind is such a vital part of our personalities, how the brain sends neurotransmitters back and forth. That being said, there is no one to save you, you have to throw yourself the life preserver. Do you want to sink or swim? Personally, since I’ve gone through an emotional rollercoaster of late, I would say swim. I will keep writing about my experiences, and seeing the world through my eyes, might help save a life. I remember when someone on Tik Tok commented on my content, I was shocked that I could reach others. To me it’s just feeling the support, even if it’s not in person, someone can still feel what’s written in your messages. My goal is to help others, like myself, escape the darkness inside their minds. It’s like coming up for air, and knowing your lungs feel the fresh oxygen fill them, you know what that is? It is the feeling of taking control of your life back, small victory or not, its a beginning. Life even with the ups and downs, tiptoeing the edge of insanity, is still the biggest blessing you can have. Without everything that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be in this position. I truly believe this is my true calling in life, and when I look back in the future (hopefully from California), I can smile about this. Just like the ocean waves crashing and cresting, I make an impact. Always will.