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Deep, intimate connection.

When you read these words, how do they make you feel?

Five years ago, I thought I knew what they meant for me. Yet, I still had to experience them. They were something I craved in my romantic relationships, but I hadn’t yet felt safe enough to allow it. 

After many failed attempts of trying to connect to a man in this way, I realized that it started with me—it started within me.

I began a mission to deeply connect intimately with myself.

I took some workshops on self-love and the feminine and masculine polarities. I opened myself up to people I trusted and with women who understood the process that I was moving through. I soon realized that it was easier for me to open up emotionally to women because there was no attraction or romantic feelings.

To open myself up emotionally to a man that who I had romantic feelings for was confronting. Letting my walls come down, laying my fears to rest, and trusting myself to remember who I was through the courting process was uncomfortable.  

I didn’t feel safe most of the time, so my anxiety took the lead. It showed up as acts of “doing.” I’d be waiting by the phone to see if they had texted me, changing my plans to better suit their needs, going out of my way to drive to them, buying them gifts, and a slue of other things that I was saying “Yes” to when my body was saying “No.”  

I knew I needed to put myself in a time out to learn how to feel safe in my body without a partner, a f*ck buddy, a potential, or a maybe.

I now understand that to be intimately connected with my romantic partner, I first need to be connected with myself, my truth, and the safety and security within myself. 

Practicing the art of presence and trusting the signs my body sends me opened me up to attract the deeply intimate and connected relationships I desired and connected me deeper with the relationships I already had. 

Now, this did not happen overnight. It has taken the continual dedication of remembering who I am through my own self-love rituals. My own physical touch, self-massage, knowing when I need to slow down, conscious breathing, and doing the things that I love to do outside of the relationship are what keeps me grounded and connected to my body.

There are still growing pains. I am not perfect. I’ve fu*cked-up and fallen back into old ways many times, but the more awareness I have of my patterns and the messages my body sends me, the easier it gets to redirect and reshape my reality.