*Warning! Naughty language.

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If you want to partner yourself, I suggest you buy a plant.

Let your heart choose the plant for you; it really won’t matter which you choose; that is not the point. Once you have your plant, see if you can keep it alive. If you can’t, rule one, do not be mean to yourself. You just discovered that you are a shitty partner—it’s okay, most of us are.

By the way, there is only one rule.

If your plant died, throw it away. Buy a new plant. This time, research your plant. Learn about where it is from, how much light it needs, how much water it desires, and if it likes to dry its roots before re-watering or if it likes to remain damp. If you do well with this plant, then promptly purchase another plant. Make sure your new plant is nothing like the plant you already have.

Plants like friends, you see. They love to let their bold leaves unfurl like a Leo flipping their hair for the crowd. It’s a wonderful thing to see, you see.

Next, buy a mister spray bottle, and make sure that while you watch those new leaves unfurl, you tell them how beautiful they look as you mist them, like the righteous queens they are. Make sure to tell yourself, too, as you walk through the sweet humid air in your blossoming home.

Buy another plant. Maybe it’s bigger and you need to buy a special new, fancy pot, fresh soil, or maybe you even need to learn how to blend soils to create the right balance of nutrients for your beauty. While you are at it, maybe you buy something delicious for you, too. Cuban food seems like a good choice. Or, maybe some new shoes?

If your plant is thriving, then suddenly starts to fade, remember all things have an ending, my darling. Some things bloom once, so love it entirely before it returns back to the soil. Maybe you remember a lover you lost, and this reminds you not everything lasts, but it is beautiful.

Some plants need regular tending—those needy bitches. Get some scissors and cut off their dead ends. You need haircuts too, don’t you? In order to be fully embraced, sometimes it takes the removal of things that got used up. Call your stylist; this was your reminder.

Take your green beauties into the shower and pretend they are in the rainforest with clouds of moisture entangling on their every part. Let them lavish in this pleasure, but don’t overdo it. We aren’t trying to drown a bitch, okay? Afterward, take a long slow bath yourself, maybe with rose petals and Epsom salts, maybe more. Did you buy those shoes yet? I bet they would look hot, legs up the wall in the bath, you surrounded by rose petals, just a thought, my love.

Once in a while, move your green girls around. Sometimes they are doing okay, but when you find just the right spot, they really come alive. Life is funny like that; sometimes changing circumstances helps a person bloom, too. Try something new, try a solo hike or a new dance floor, or buy those damn shoes already.

If it’s getting cold outside, it’s time to move your gorgeous girls away from windows. In the same way you like a warm blanket and to be snuggled, so will your plant friends. Well, maybe not snuggled, just considered. Today seems like a great day to indulge your senses. Do the thing for yourself you wished your ex would figure out. You know exactly what I mean.

Your plant babes love to hear you sing, so sing love songs, as many as you can, even better if you mist them at the same time. If you dance and mist while you sing, I am certain your plants will be more vibrant—that shit is contagious. Set up a mirror, see how beautiful your voice, and curves, and your love look in action.

You are spectacular. Green girl approved.

Buy more plants. If you ever discover one has bugs, get rid of it. They create a virus in the house and you will lose many other plants by choosing to keep the damn thing. You can’t save everyone, but you can help your friends. Does this plant remind you of anyone in your life? Do the same.

Take lots of pictures of your plants. Send the pictures to your actual friends. If your friends don’t respond with enthusiasm, they aren’t your people. Take many pictures of yourself, too. You are ripening into a supple, succulent-loving divine creature. I see you, my love, unfurling too.

Look around you and see the abundance, the life you created, you sexy, hydrated, humidified creature, you.

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