You don’t know what it has taken me to discover, accept, create, and put together all the parts of the woman I always wanted to be.

The woman who dwells within me, and who is still a discovery process for me.

Still an unknown puzzle at times,

Still a foreigner at other times,

Elusive and ever-shifting,

I cannot grasp nor label her.

She is the ever-changing river that keeps me fresh and young at heart.

She has cost me people, friends, places, countries, jobs, money, and more because I chose her every time.

Some days, it’s not easy to lean on her, to listen to her, to allow her to heal, and most importantly to allow her to come out and shine in her own unique light.

Sometimes, she shuts down. Sometimes, she hides away.

Sometimes, she loses faith.

Sometimes, she remembers past trauma and hides in the dark.

Sometimes, she feels extremely vulnerable and wants to hide.

Sometimes, she screams and cries so I finally listen to her.

Sadness and tears are her most used language. I understand she is calling me from the depths of my inner dark ocean.

Just today, I realized no matter how strong she is/I am. I am no matter how much power I execute to get things done in my life, and no matter how powerful I think I am at times, I can never fool myself when it comes to the unhealed parts of my feminine heart due to past trauma, conditioning, and dysfunctional loving relationships that left me to doubt myself more and never nourished the woman inside of me—let alone attempt to see her.

I can write all I want about women’s empowerment and sh*t. But I am humbly realizing that my feminine heart has so much to heal; big love and sex wounds and insecurities—so much sh*t to let go of—beliefs that need to be discharged from my nervous system, to undo, un-learn, and rewrite new ones and create neurological pathways to new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in my life.

Sometimes we confuse the shadow feminine with the word female or women’s empowerment.

I was wrong.

While there is nothing wrong to having and being aware of our shadow selves—everyone has one—it’s important to not confuse the real essence with the shades of our personality. They are opposites at times.

I look at my life, all areas of my life, and it makes me think. I ask myself, “Why am I not experiencing what I so desire to experience?”

Something within me responded today, “Because parts of you are not healed. Due to past trauma, you are not willing to see them.”

I don’t know if the word trauma is the right one to use but it feels so close to what my inner being is revealing to me lately. Trauma, as I understand it, is a psychological wound that transpires mostly in our childhood and leaves deep prints in our psyche. It has affects the way we view ourselves, love, and the world. It has become our identity when it’s not our real essence. It runs the show on autopilot without us understanding why most of the time.

When I experience things that trigger my trauma response, I tend to get numb in my body and dissociate from my body. It can be a very painful experience.

Without wanting to take on the role of a psychologist or psychotherapist here, although I have a degree in Psychology, my aim is not to try and fix anyone through writing these words.

My aim is to bring light to what truly matters. We need to heal our psyches and our hearts. No matter how much we show off on the outside, each of us knows we have wounds to heal, trauma to reveal, and lots of deep self-honesty to do in regard to our inner well-being, insecurities, lies we tell ourselves—how we are living in the world, and what runs the show in our lives and if that makes us content or depressed.

Going back to the woman within me.

I’m still discovering her.

Learning to listen to her.

Trying to discern between what my ego thinks is the feminine heart within me and what my true feminine essence is and how she manifests herself in her many layers.

A distant horizon.

A cloud at times.

Rain at times.

A wildflower at other times.

But I have promised her that I will do everything in my power to make her feel happy content and fulfilled unto herself. I have promised her to find new ways to make her confident in ways that are unshakable and unstoppable, in ways only women like her can.

At times, I am closer to her than I think; at other times, she goes away only to come back with brighter ideas.

She is romantic, passionate. 

At times nostalgic. Wild, yet soft. Patient, yet anxious.

She is a muse. At times numb.

She is a creatress.

She is art.

Artist.

Delicate.

Deep.

Aware.

Dark.

Beautiful.

Pure.

And all in between.

I promise her that I will make her happy and all parts of us will work as a team to create the magical life that I/she desires, this is meant for I/her while reminding myself that I have lots of inner work to do to offload a lot of sh*t from my past—things and experiences that I have been so scared to acknowledge because they broke my inner feminine heart and my natural self-confidence. 

Building myself up again is not going to happen for the sake of empowerment, but because I desire to live a life that I love, all of it.

I let go of labels of empowerment.

I try to be discerning with what information I allow in and remind myself that the woman inside of me is unique and has her way of leading me—perhaps, in ways I have never imagined before.