“Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.” ~ Unknown author
Most of us have been there.
Sometimes we love so deeply and cling so tight to a person—a love—that we think will break us if it ends. Truth is, more than likely, we will break, but it won’t be irretrievable.
It will feel as though our pieces, all the beauty, and love that make up our heart and soul, will be forever f*cking smashed into tiny, sharp shards.
But like the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, because flaws and imperfections become stronger and more beautiful, we, too, become stronger and more beautiful.
The reality is, sometimes staying is what ultimately breaks us. Sometimes loving will be the thing that destroys us. Sometimes walking away and letting go is the only thing that will save us. And sometimes, this takes us far too long to realise.
You accept the love you think you deserve.
Oh, how I loved to do things for you. Anything to make your day—your life better and easier. In the beginning, you appreciated everything so much—until you didn’t. Until it all became an expectation without reciprocation. When you expected things to be done at the click of your fingers and belittled me when they weren’t.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
I never needed to be your priority but would have appreciated you putting my needs first, just once. I understand it all now—your insecurities, your wounds, and your own brokenness. I became so used to putting you first. Looking after you. Worrying about you. I completely forgot about me.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
Remember when you were sick? I always fussed. Cooked for you. Squeezed you fresh juices. Went to the health food store, searching the isles for organic remedies. Massaged you. Anything to heal you quicker. Admittedly you were sick a lot more than I was, but when I did get sick, I just looked after myself. It’s just the way it was.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
I thought your jealousies were flattering at first. I mean, I’d never been so desired that there would be this insane jealousy. Then I realised this was not healthy for either of us. You were envious of any man who came near me yet had no issue surrounding yourself with females. In retrospect, I spent far too many hours trying to convince you that you had no need to be jealous and far too many hours tolerating this behaviour.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
I, myself, was never a jealous person. You didn’t understand this, as you seemed to equate jealousy with love. I hope you see how toxic it was now. I was open and relaxed and relatively confident within myself—until I wasn’t. Until I developed insecurities and started creating scenarios in my f*cking head. What the hell was happening to me? Who was I becoming?
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
You literally had my heart at the first “I think I love you.” Our chemistry and energy were undeniable. You had an ease about you that captivated me. You said the most beautiful things—everything I wanted to hear. Everything I needed to hear. You pulled me in like a magnet. You lifted me high onto this pedestal, but sadly, it wasn’t long before you pushed me off, and I landed harshly on my knees. That push took the wind right out of me, and it slowly bruised every part of me. Some days were so incredible, and other days left me reeling and wondering how much more my soul could f*cking take.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
As time went by, I saw you, like I really saw you. I saw a glimpse into your soul, in all its messiness. Yet this did not deter me: it made me love you more. I knew parts of you I’m not sure you even realised existed because you had been so busy hiding who you really were from the world. It wasn’t enough because you were not ready to unmask yourself. It was easier to hurt me because, if truth be told, you always put yourself first.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
I know you loved me in a way you did not understand. But you were never brave enough to fight for me. You were never fearless enough to keep your promises. You were never secure enough to have faith in me, which is tragic, given I gave you every reason to. You were never respectful enough to acknowledge your behaviour, and you were never sorry enough to genuinely apologise. You were never courageous enough to be truly authentically vulnerable.
But I have healed, and through my healing, I have come to a place of acceptance. I know I had my own toxic traits—we all do.
My lack of boundaries was not your fault, but your abuse of them absolutely was.
My kind, giving, and generous nature was not your fault, but your manipulation of them absolutely was.
My cutting myself off from people to appease your jealousy was not your fault, but you, making me feel guilty if I didn’t absolutely was.
My trust, faith, and loyalty were not your fault, but your misuse of that absolutely was.
My changing my life for you was not your fault, but your encouragement of that absolutely was.
My unconditional love for you was not your fault, but you, taking that for granted absolutely was.
We accept the love we think we deserve, and it is the pain, hurt, and sadness you had inflicted that taught me my greatest lessons and has been the catalyst for monumental change. We shared something so amazingly beautiful and a love that, as f*cked up as it was, will hold a space in my soul because with the lessons came some divine blessings.
It was the love we needed at that time, in that moment. It’s no longer the love I deserve, and I thank you for teaching me that I deserve the world, and even though I was standing there bearing my soul, offering you all that I had—you could never give me anything more than a part of yourself, and that, my love, is no longer the love I deserve.
I will only accept the love I know I deserve.
“You need someone who wants to be there when it’s messy and when it’s hard, not just when it’s fun and convenient. You need someone who chooses you, even when it’s not the easiest choice. You need someone who would rather do nothing with you, than anything in the world with someone else.” ~ Unknown author
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