“Why do I keep picking partners with red flags?”

Sound familiar?

The reality is, the people we choose to date are often just a mirror.

If we continuously pick partners who are unhealed, maybe we need to ask ourselves what part of us is unhealed.

We often turn a blind eye to red flags when picking a partner because we turn a blind eye to our own red flags. After all, hurt people hurt people. 

Misery loves company.

We settle for less than we deserve because we have yet to believe we deserve better.

We become attached to a victim mentality and complain that there are no good men/women left out there or end up in cycles of being hurt or abandoned.

As we get older and possibly experience divorce and repeated heartbreak, we begin to become tired, lonely, sexually frustrated, and impatient—attached to this idea that “the clock is ticking.”

Over time, the cycles become perpetual and progressively more damaging not only to ourselves but, inadvertently, to our children.

One prominent definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.

Read that again.

Doing the same thing…

Over. And over. And over again.

Choosing a different person without changing our own behavior is likely going to yield the same outcome.

So how do we avoid dating partners with a bag full of red flags?

Stop chasing after love when you have yet to love yourself. If you’re only investing in yourself half-heartedly, I guarantee your partner will also be half invested.

Stop trying to fill this God-shaped hole in your heart with your relationship status.

Stop giving your sacred body to those who don’t deserve you.

Stop mistaking “woundmates” as soulmates and labeling codependent attachments as love.

Stop creating “situationships” because you simply miss companionship.

Stop defining yourself by the validation you receive or don’t receive.

Stop projecting your need to be needed to pacify your past wounds.

Stop using God of the Universe as an excuse—because you “trust the perfect person is waiting for you”—when you haven’t taken the time to be rooted in who you are.

Stop mistaking loneliness as readiness.

Remember that list you made of everything you desired in a partner? You are worthy of it—all of it.

But where is your list of everything you desire to become yourself?

These are the hard questions I have had to ask myself at 38 as I have continued on this journey of self-love.

We all want to be chosen, desired, and loved. But when we seek that in others from a place of “lack,” we will only create a deeper hole in our hearts.

When we can be radically honest with ourselves and address our own red flags, perhaps we will then attract the right person at the right time.

Be kind to your own heart. You can’t give to others what you haven’t given to yourself.

Be patient. Be present. Be intentional. Raise the caliber of your own reflection.

Love on each and every one of those “red flags” buried deep within yourself. 

I promise: the moment you become what you desire, love will find its way to you—because you’ve found your way to yourself.

In the meantime, know that you are loved. 

You are love—today and every day.