Today I broke free.
I broke free of my past, and free of any expectations I had for my future self. Some of these freedoms I am now feeling came at a cost to others.
To those I have left behind I am sorry. I needed to make room for the people I hoped to find. I will not pretend that this wasn’t selfish, but it was necessary for my wellbeing and so I did it just the same. Just like people, I had to let go of all my experiences to make room for the new ones I would like to have.
If you like to read you will know life is a lot like a book full of chapters. As the reader we just keep pushing forward to see what is in store, to see how the story will play out. Generally, we only turn back to previous chapters for reference or to re-visit our favourite parts. Some of us even come to love certain characters and can have a hard time accepting when one or more of them no longer plays a role in the story. A few of the people I left behind today played a major role in the unfolding of my story and part of me felt like you needed to be acknowledged for it.
I am starting anew yet again, writing a new novel that I hope to be my last, but the future is never certain and so I will not know if this is just one of many novels to come.
I have started my life over more than once, and each time it has gotten easier for me. Not so much that I have gotten better at doing it, or that the people I left behind were meaningless, but that in the process of letting go I now draw strength and feel a comfort which had never been present for me before.
I used to try and erase myself completely and diminish all the people in my life until I had no more room and they- like memories just slowly vanished. Now, I know that the roles people play in your past help to make us into what we were meant to become. These characters fictional or non fictional make your story what it is, without them, you wouldn’t have one.
Like a snake sheds skin, I needed to shed you all to grow into who I wished to become, and so, I leave you with all of my memories. Some of you will have good ones and think of me fondly and maybe even miss me, others will not remember the best parts of myself or might even carry disdain when you hear my name come up, and that’s ok with me too.
I am many things, and above all else I am not perfect.
I have made countless mistakes that I have regretted and have now transformed them into a part of my growth.
I lived through many different kinds of pain that have now shown me that not every experience and the emotions tied to it are linear. I have accepted that others may even feel differently when looking at these moments from their own perspective, that our versions make up different stories that will hold different meanings.
I have grieved, oh how I have grieved, only to be certain that the next round will be easier. But one thing you can count on is that you can’t escape pain because life will always make you more. But if you choose to burn that pain as fuel, you will see that there are no bounds to the life you can create from its ashes.
Over time I have gained accountability, acceptance, ambition, aspirations and a greater love for life. For the first time in my existence, I want not only to survive but to actually live.
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One crucial component that I seem to have lost over this course of growth is my ability to do something I love very much, and that is to write.
I am a writer, yet I have not written anything of substance for almost a full year now. I have drawn a fine line between what I choose to revisit and the definition I am now making for myself. Acceptance has come in waves, and so has the accountability for my actions. I feel as though I have been waiting for something worthy to write about, something that shows this new version of myself and not the old broken one I seem to have latched on to for so long. It would seem, that once I let go of the person I no longer was and started to build a foundation and make room for the person I was becoming, my creativity drew new boundaries, and so, here we are.
So here is for a fresh start at a new story line, a plot twist full of happiness and growth. For those of you reading today, I want you to know I have made room for you too and I hope some of you are here to stay, or at least here to make an appearance into the story of the person I am becoming.
<3
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