Since reaching adulthood, I have been continuously drawn to live in places that have been wrested from the hands of indigenous people. I come to these lands ignorant, thinking that it is my casual right to be there. And in each place, I have learned that in the name of God, these lands and people have been mistreated to a degree that is nearly impossible to comprehend.

The more I age, the more I realize that these people- my ancestors- used their God, their fear of what was unknown and different, as an excuse for violence.

As I learn these things, I feel like a horse fighting the rope that is keeping it tied; eyes rolling white, head twisting back and forth, desperately trying to get free from that which will not let it go. How is this the legacy that is carried in my DNA? How could anyone ever treat people the way my ancestors have? It is at once incomprehensible, and must be comprehended by people like me.

Each time I arrive in these places only to realize that it would be better if I hadn’t, I wish to shrink away and often regret having ever arrived. If we looked to the actions of our predecessors, none of us with white skin deserve to be here, in these lands we have decided to call The United States of America.

And, as always when I am faced with internal conflict, I ask myself; why?

Why am I so drawn to live in these places where I am only perpetuating the problem? Am I subconsciously following in the footsteps of my conquering ancestors, destined to continue their terrible march that has wiped out so much?

Nearly every week, something new comes across my knowing that makes me feel like that horse pulling back at its lead rope, eyes rolling and white, head swinging side to side, trying to make sense of what it is tied to.

This is how I felt when I woke up to how we have been draining the earth of Her precious minerals and oils, creatures and trees.

This is how I felt when I woke up to the reality of the Black experience in this country, and this is how I feel learning of the vast corruption of those who run our country.

To all those who were apparently raised without love in their lives, who have done nothing but perpetuate societal norms that only demean, detract, and destroy; how can you live with yourselves? How can you bat down what is sacred as if it is nothing more than a fly? I would unleash all of Hel’s anger upon you if I could, but alas, I am only mortal, and as such, you offenders are lucky I have not yet figured out how to wield the power of the Gods.

I contend with my overwhelming anger alone, allowing this platform to be the outlet for the deep well within that so wants to swallow anyone who has wronged that which is sacred.

The incredulous rage recedes and I am left spent, on my knees with my head bowed, letting my heart open wide to release the pain I cannot even begin to feel as fully as those my ancestors have wronged.

How can I even begin to speak up when the human world has had enough of white voices?

Perhaps I should retreat, find a quiet place somewhere to wait out the last days of white supremacy, never daring to raise my voice lest it drown out the ones we need most to hear.

Yet, I cannot. Past my own understanding, I am compelled to compel you, my fellows who carry the DNA of oppressors, to begin to see what we have not seen, to begin to comprehend the great work that must be done together.

In each place I go, the elements themselves assure me that who I am in this particular life is not at fault- but, they remind me, if I stay silent then the fault indeed will be mine, an insult to their generous acceptance of me. By all the signs of the world around me, I cannot give in to that desolate feeling of guilt for who came before me because what matters is now, the present moment, where I am Here, willing to wake up to it all.

And right now, I am waking up to American Escapism.

Americans are obsessed with escaping their lives; always looking forward to the next vacation, the next best way to numb themselves, through whatever method they can get it. And we have a lot of methods at our disposal here.

Goddess knows I’ve been one of the worst; I dissociated myself with American culture a long time ago and have frequently dreamed of how I could escape from this place where “freedom” comes with a price; a price that is exacted from the very things that I hold sacred.

This desire to escape my birthright is what took me to Kaua’i and now to Tahoe, but by attempting to escape, I was only brought closer to It All.

The kicker is, we all have such great ideas of how to proceed into the future, but our great privilege has been to indulge ideas of escapism; effectively turning our backs on our duty as a conscious citizen of a country that needs its citizens to become active in effecting change.

We cannot just wish for it from afar anymore.

Truly, it is no wonder that the state of things is as they are; I am willing to bet my summer earnings that most of us have been willfully ignoring that which must be confronted, because it is just too disappointing to continue to realize the reality of American politics and culture.

Perhaps that is why I am drawn to the places I have been; I crave a culture that enriches the soul, and celebrates the sacred, rather than a culture that only seeks to enrich a bank account and force the sacred to submit.

That escapism we so rely on; traveling around the world in an effort to claim that we are more than privileged, consumer-cultured Americans, is no longer available.

It is funny to me, that now because of this pandemic, Americans are being refused as tourists. It’s like other countries are saying, “no, get your fucking shit together first, and then maybe you can come here.”

Getting our shit together is exactly what we haven’t been doing.

We cannot keep dwelling on romanticized thoughts of where in the world is better to be than Here, and begin to take responsibility for the worst of American culture and confront it, thereby creating a country where thoughts of escapism aren’t necessary.

I’m going to repeat that because I think it is worth emphasizing, for myself and all of you, that it is up to us to create a country whose citizens do not have to resort to thoughts of escapism as a coping method.

I’m not saying never leave the country again. What I am saying is, it is time for us to assume responsibility for the actions of our country’s leaders and past citizens. Taking on this responsibility is something we can do from anywhere because it is an act that takes place first in the conscious mind.

There is a seed of patriotism is growing within me, and it is alarming because of how long I have sworn off parroting any pride for American culture. But it is a new seed, of a new generation of genetics where the code inside is a form of patriotism for the great potential that resides within. I know this sounds like some cheesy speech material for the average call to action, but I think this seed needs to be nurtured.

Nurtured with gritty determination to take responsibility; nurtured with optimism, and a willingness to never shrink away again.

Let our courage to see how past injustice is affecting present injustice be the sun that activates new growth; let our open hearts supply the hydration that encourages the roots of this new seedling to grow strong with a new color, a new scent, a new meaning.

Let us be brave and humble all at once; standing strong, yet willing to let ourselves break in the process of feeling everything we have been refusing to feel.

Let us finally stop resorting to escapism as a coping method and take responsibility for where we are in space and time.

For the first time, in a truly irrevocable way, quality of life for everyone is on the line here.

Let’s stop dropping the damn ball, eh?