“Chauvinism is condescension, superiority and prejudice rolled into one. It is an “I know best” attitude. It is attempting to win the competition before the game starts. It blocks equality, intimacy, partnership and hinders success. Today is a good day to recognize where you have been chauvinistic an the trouble it has caused you in your life and relationships”- Chuck Spezzano

I am a feminist, a passionate, loving, hardworking, heterosexual feminist. Like many of you, I have been in the company of my best friend, boogers and tears pouring down my face, her supportively reminding me, “Men are dumb, they just don’t get it”. Me, knowingly, nodding my head, remembering how lowering expectations is a relationship survival tactic. And that’s what I do, I dig deep, I find understanding, I absolve his discretion against me, in an effort toward peace. I have done this often enough to know that its eventually a failed tactic. It does not promote my well being or equanimity.

From ancient times on, the oppression of women was a successful tactic to help men move forward in life without having the challenge of having to consider thoughts, feelings, or rights of their partner. This manifests in countless ways across the world and is universally messaged through shame. Even long professed progressive men retain the culturally handed down values of insisting women hide their bodies, suppress their thoughts  and make themselves second to all else. When women do not subscribe to the notion or choose to hold their position, they are regarded as aggressive or obstinate. When a woman can no longer shoulder the guilt thrown at her for acting out of order, she is “too emotional” or even “hysterical”.

Nowadays, at least in the United States, they don’t surgically remove our clits & uteruses to treat our perceived psychological maladies anymore. They don’t pump us with lithium or overtly brain wash us by telling us we have smaller brains and therefore are incapable of good judgement. They don’t deny us education, and god love them for giving us “permission” to earn a living. That being said, I am here to tell you that, it wasn’t very long ago that they did. I also think its lost on many, that the side effects of those previous attitudes are still here. Causing micro tears in relationships and driving women from relationships at highly undesirable rates.

The State of the Long Term Heterosexual Monogamous Marriage

Approximately 69% of marriages are ended by women with the number one reason being, “over-exploited wives do the majority of housework and parenting. They feel that they have nothing to lose by leaving”. What this means is that women know and understand that they do not need to carry 200% of the home in order to get 50% of the gratification. In addition, working women often do not have the desire to be a housewife. Much like men, they want to feel satisfied in their work and home life. Satisfaction can NOT be achieved if there is a gap in perceived relational equality. I would theorize that the hundreds, even thousands of years, of voiceless women, held responsible for the dissatisfaction of men has positioned us very well for a life of independence. Alternately many men, still daydream about women who make sandwiches for them, romanticizing feminine archtypes of the endlessly patient female, sweet, serene, smiling, and supportive of all their actions whether productive or destructive. Unfortunate this mindset lends to feelings of dependence. In the self professed progressive male, it invokes a huge conflict. Now he must deal with his feelings of dissatisfaction, he must actually face them, and reorganize himself to be more self sufficient. The inability to do so will manifest in oppressive behaviors such as: guilting, aggression, and a generally childlike need to be soothed. Ultimately it is those behaviors women turn away from. The idea of the selfless woman is an standard that we no longer desire to live up to. The archtype itself has been perpetuated as a standard of femininity through media, art and education . This archetype no longer speaks to us, we see it for the fraud it is. No longer sacrificial lambs for the greater good of men, we seek to find our own satisfaction. As women age their likelihood of choosing to be single increases.

In the Bedroom

Statistics show that heterosexual men climax 91% of the time during sex, with heterosexual women at a mere 64%. Anecdotally, I know multiple women over 40 who have never orgasmed. Why?

It’s about the dick. It always has been really. Men require an engorged penis to function sexually. Women require no functional change. As a woman I know that, if want to “get it in”, I must provide him stimulation to the point of function, once he is functional, his pleasure is all but guaranteed. As a man, he knows, if he wants to “get it in”, he needs to be stimulated to the point of functionality. At no point are males taught that women require functionality for climax as well. Since her engorgement is internal with no visual queue and no physical barrier, she can be entered before she is properly stimulated, thus she is not primed for climax. For this reason, sufficient male stimulation is a given, and sufficient female stimulation is a novelty. There is a pervasive pleasure gap and unconscious expectation that the women should be the source of stimulation. I encourage anyone reading this to pause and take a gander over to your friendly neighborhood porn site. Open your eyes and gather how many of the women are ACTUALLY being pleasured VS. men. Review the titles of the each video. Who’s stimulation are they meant to provoke? Take a look at the thumbnails. How many do you see that suggest the man to be the pleasurer vs the pleasured. The importance placed upon women’s pleasure is fractional. LET ME ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT BECAUSE WOMEN DO NOT SEEK OR FEEL PLEASURE, such as a still commonly held belief among some men.

Ok back to business. In my casual approach to lady life and general openness to my own sexuality I have had many conversations with women of all ages regarding sex. My takeaways are this. Men receive manual and oral pleasure with significantly more frequency and for longer periods of time than do women. Most women performed oral sex YEARS before they ever received it. Very few women have been straight up asked by their partners one or more times, what and how they like to be pleasured. Many who have tried to express their preferences during intercourse, either verbally or by physical demonstration have been met by the mighty upheaval of a mans inability to tolerate that he may be able to take measures to improve his performance.

Chauvinism in the bedroom manifests as a focus on men’s pleasure, and continues to sidestep the woman’s pleasure as novelty. This mentality is destructive to intimacy and acts as another catalyst to women’s significantly higher rate of ending relationships.

The attitudes towards womens pleasure are pervasive and culturally ingrained. It is evidenced by the statistic that lesbian women report orgasming 86% of the time. 86% with nary a dick involvement. Ask yourself, what is the difference in stimulation that creates such a response? Is it possible that the dick is not as important as culture would like to us to continue to believe?

The Emotional Toll

Men unfortunately have done themselves a giant disservice by denying their complex feelings. The assigning of emotionality as a feminine trait and labeling it as something negative, leaves them wholly unpracticed in exploring themselves. They are challenged to actually FEEL their bad feelings without assigning blame. They are troubled to explore their own deficits, own them, and improve upon them unless faced with a critical upset. It’s unfortunate they have been able to sherk accountability for so long, able to comfortably place their dissatisfaction upon their wives, sisters, and mothers. In the long run it will harm them the most. Women are evolving at a never before seen pace. Studies show women become exponentially more likely to CHOOSE being single, as they age. They are  removing them selves from the dating pool entirely. Previously self identified heterosexual women are choosing to explore lesbianism as a means of greater emotional and sexual satisfaction. I recently listened to TED talk that explored an all female world in the near distant future, a theory that current evolutionary science supports. Have men literally rendered themselves obsolete? Can they learn to process emotions in a way that has them supporting their own evolution? Are my future sisters in the BabeOlution gonna be denied the pleasure of chest hair and a warm hard cock, simply because men cannot seem to emotionally operate in a world that isn’t under their control. Where they cannot predict the actions of women, or subdue it to their liking. Will the large progresses of women’s independence be followed by the micro evolution of men fully acclimating to it?

Hope

My hope is the next generation of men are the key. The generations of current  “Man Card” holders, the continued blindly privileged rulers of the world are quick to degrade the next generation. To call them pussies, to insult them and to consider their age and lack of life experience as some sort of generational fault. I argue that the fluidity, empathy, and generally better understanding  & articulation of complex emotions is the shape of male evolutionary survival. Going forward you will never see the meek women of old. They won’t default to lowering their expectations. Why would they when they can see the road to full female actualization ahead of them? Partnership will require a higher level of emotional evolution from men or women will simply partner with each other. Empathy, self exploration, accountability, deep reconsideration of partnership will no longer be the novel concept among rare men, it will be the means of survival for all men.