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In my coaching practice, I see so many women chasing relationship after relationship to avoid being alone, only to feel more alone in the relationship because they settle for less than they deserve.

When does the cycle end? I say all of the following with a little tough love, but hear me out:

Stop wanting a relationship from a place of needing one.

Stop wanting a relationship from a place of numbing the pain from the last breakup you experienced.

Stop serial dating—looking for that next relationship to fill a void. To make you less lonely. To make you feel loved and adored.

It is from this place of lack and feeling broken that we will attract toxic relationship after toxic relationship that will perpetuate the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable, non-committal, even abusive, men.

When will we see that each relationship we dive into can bring up more wounds that need to be healed? Wounds that make us feel unworthy or undeserving.

And these are the exact things that we need to heal within ourselves before we can allow a truly healthy, conscious relationship to manifest.

But if we continue the cycle of trying to heal old wounds with relationships, the universe will keep showing us what needs to be healed over and over until we get the message loud and clear.

If he is treating you poorly, then that is an invitation to look at why you aren’t practicing your own self-love.

If he is emotionally unavailable, then that is an invitation to look at what areas of yourself and your life you are unavailable for or ignoring.

Get the picture?

At first, the universe whispers. Then, it gets louder and louder until it’s super hard to ignore.

I get it. It takes courage and strength to face your demons and the not-so-pretty parts of you—the messiness of you (it is all beautiful, by the way).

But those parts are all in need of your own love. And until you stop, get quiet, and face all of the stuff you need to face, you will live in silent suffering.

Stop avoiding what you need to face.

Stop chasing relationships to avoid doing the work.

The relationship will not fix you. Stop thinking that. There is nothing to fix.

The relationship is not the solution. You, my love, are.

And when you finally learn the lessons—and finally clear the debris that has been hiding your light—your life opens up to magic.

The magic that was available to you all along.

And you may meet that amazing partner. But that is a by-product of the work you are doing. It’s not the point.

Hear me when I say it’s not the point.

Because the magic that unfolds may have nothing to do with a man. It may have nothing to do with getting married and starting a family.

But it has everything to do with what you are meant to experience in this lifetime.

But you will never know if you keep chasing love from the outside.