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These are the top nine things I learned in the past five years of helping hundreds of successful, professional women find love—typically in five dates or less:

#1 We all tend to think in the big words: “I want a conscious relationship,” “I want us to be growing together,” or “I want to be seen and met in the fullness of who I am.” Those are beautiful things to thrive for, but where it happens is in tiny moments of conscious choice. Start noticing without judging, start receiving more, start being aware of your breath, start trusting your body wisdom, start allowing what wants to happen.

#2 We want a relationship rooted in integrity and spirituality—but we invest more in fitting in with others than in aligning with our true self. Start taking time to connect to your inner goddess; start taking little steps to stay close to her within the moments of your relationships rather than staying close to what you think your partner will want—and breathtaking intimacy can follow.

#3 We are powerful women at work, but we don’t know what our feminine power is. Stop trying to make your partner give you permission to do what you want to do. Just do it.

#4 We think commitment follows naturally when there’s love. That is false. It needs to be built and developed, and there’s a simple tool to make that happen.

#5 We grossly underrate the challenges in dating and we underrate the detrimental effect it has on our life when we stay stuck. Getting too little appreciation, affirmation, and results from your efforts, seeing no perspective to change that, and not having people around you who understand is a sure way to loss of self-esteem, burnout, and depression. Everyone, including you, thinks it is “not so bad”—because that’s what the patriarchy has always done: it doesn’t take the suffering of women seriously. Don’t allow yourself to stay stuck a minute longer, draw a line in the sand, and solve this!

#6 Show—don’t tell. When you want a partner at your level, and also your consciousness, then you need to let them experience in the moment what showing up with consciousness means—that is, you need to be conscious in the moment of your own thoughts and actions as well as theirs and how they interact. The choices you make in tiny moments speak louder than big words.

#7 The biggest challenge that both men and women face right now in dating is: receiving more love and giving more love. Expand your capacity to experience unity and intimacy.

#8 Stop focusing on what you do and don’t do, what your partner does and doesn’t do. Instead, start noticing what is happening between you. Think relational.

#9 None of the stories you tell yourself of why you are stuck are the real reason. There are plenty of people on your level and there is one waiting for you. Draw a line in the sand, understand that the quest for a life partner is a big one, and know that it will challenge you more than anything else.

Get the best help on the planet and master these nine shifts—and you too can find your partner in five dates or less.

Thank you to everyone who I met on this journey, the many women who were not ready yet for the big leap, and the many who were. I learned from all of you, and together we created a hell of a lot of sisterhood, love…and relationships!