Two weeks ago, I went on a small trip to Germany with my best friend. While there, we got to talking about our lives and she said to me “It’s inspiring to see you having reached the point of content in your life.” At first, I felt like what she said wasn’t true, but once I started to give it a bit more thought, I realized she was right.

Just a little more than a year ago, I was struggling. I had been for multiple years already. I mainly struggled with myself, the expectations I put on myself, and all the things I had to balance in order to stay afloat. I remember telling my therapist I didn’t know how I would ever survive having to work since it cost so much of my energy. I was still figuring out who I was, especially after having learned that I am autistic and (probably) non-binary. My therapist called it my “second puberty”, which I think is a fitting title.

I used to be severely depressed, thinking about death more often than not. I fought with my partner, because every little thing made me insecure. I had meltdowns more than once a week, and I kept falling down. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, and how to be happy. After a suggestion made by my therapist, I found out that I am autistic. That was one thing fixed, but it took some time. Weekly meltdowns became monthly meltdowns, and I started communicating more about my fears and feelings towards my partner. I cut my hair short and went down a spiral of figuring out my gender identity, and I had fun exploring.

Slowly, but surely, I felt better. I was more secure, and I learned more and more about myself. I wrote poems about my growth, but I was still struggling to keep my head above water. The one to last time I visited my therapist, I told her about my anger towards work and capitalism. I told her I didn’t want to work for the rest of my life, it would kill me. I remember writing about it on another platform. When she replied, it definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was something I needed to hear. She said to me:

“I don’t want you to accept it. I want you to endure it. We all have to endure it. Nobody wants to work for the rest of their lives, but right now, we have to. Look at you, you’re only 22 and you’re doing so much more than you think you are. You have your own company, a stable income, a partner that you love, a home, a pet, and you still regularly see your family and friends. You are doing so much at the same time that it’s normal to struggle. Your anger and stress are normal reactions, but you need to let them settle and that takes time. You need to endure it.”

I hated the word “to endure”. I didn’t want to endure, I wanted to get rid of the feeling. But I listened to her advice and gave it time. After three months, we saw each other again. I was calmer and more stable. I hadn’t had a meltdown in a long time, and my anger had subsided. She told me she was proud of me and wished me the best of luck.

Right now, it’s almost a year since our last conversation and I realize that she was right. Just this week I noticed that I even feel comfortable in my own body, something I hadn’t experienced in years. I know that this isn’t where I want to be for the rest of my life, but I’m content with where I am. I still sometimes struggle with my depression, and I do still have meltdowns, but they are so much smaller than they once were. I’m doing the things I enjoy doing, and the things I enjoy a bit less. However, I know that I’m on the right path.

So, this is a thank-you letter to my therapist. A thank-you to show that she was right, and a thank-you for all the help she gave me. She helped me figure out who I am and what I want. She supported me and showed me how far I’ve come. I know healing is not linear, but I also know that healing will come, no matter where you are in life.