Dear A,

If only I could show you that I’m getting my energy and enthusiasm for life back again. I’m being social every weekend. I’m participating in life and getting healthy again. I just needed the time to remove my blinders after being so swamped with my health problems and surgeries and time in hospital throughout the year and the post-op recoveries and the COVID pandemic (which unfortunately erupted early on in our relationship and did impact us to a degree, due to spending so much time at home together).

I just needed time to pull myself up from my depression and emerge out of the fog to regain a glimpse of who I was and what it’s like to live at my full potential again. I’ll never get to show you the awesome version of myself that’s now re-surfacing, and that breaks my heart. It was there inside me; I just wish you held on a bit longer to be able to see it. Who knows – things may have been very different for us, in a good way?

I really felt big love from you (especially last year, before the sh*t hit the fan), and I had/ still have big love for you. We were out and about doing so much together. I’m so sad that the era of COVID and health issues made me forget what it was like to be fun and light. I forgot how to show the real me (or that there was even a ‘real me’ to show in the first place). I forgot the importance of tending to myself as an individual to keep the spark alight inside. I forgot to keep working on myself so I could become a better person. I forgot the importance of seeing my friends on my own more, going to fun courses and doing interesting things for my own personal benefit as well as for our benefit as a couple.

Now that the colour is returning to my field of vision and has started seeping into my life once again, I finally get it – the importance of tending to ourselves, in addition to our relationship, so we don’t suffocate each other; to give each other the space to miss each other and so that we can maintain our individuality while growing as a couple.

At the same time, I’m also very sad that you left when I needed support the most. I felt abandoned. I understand that you had to put yourself first for your own mental and emotional well-being and I respect that, but I was just disappointed because I know I would’ve loved to support you if our positions were reversed. I respected your decision and didn’t stand in your way. But it broke my heart. And I still think about you a lot. When I’m doing things, I smile to myself and think “babe would’ve liked this” or “I wish babe was here for this”. I miss the love I thought we had. I am still brought to tears in some moments. Some beautiful memories of you and I bubble up; flashes of our shared moments in time- the good and the bad. You were part of the healthiest relationship I’ve had so far, which you may or may not agree with, but I thought we did well together overall.

I have dreams about you, and that you’re really happy and doing well. We meet in my dreams at night to catch up and chat. I get to stroke your hair and hear about what’s new in your life. Sometimes, we even give it another shot together. Other times, you tell me about your new lover or we debrief about what we could’ve done better.

Even though we’ve said our goodbyes, I still miss you and probably will for some time. I hope you’re doing well but I don’t doubt that you are living your best life, in the way you want to be living it, once again. I’ve accepted our journey together has come to an end but I just wanted to thank you for walking with me part of the way, on what is ultimately our journey home. I’ve appreciated it very much – M.