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I’m transforming into a butterfly and it’s not as beautiful as it sounds upon first impression.

I’ve spent a great amount of time eating up my nearest vegetation. Vulnerable to the outside world, and moving forth for survival. Not knowing what comes next, just doing what feels right, despite the risk.

Some have looked at me with delight, knowing my potential. Others have looked down upon me, stomped on me, and thrown me off their precious territory.

Those who have faith in what I’ve been unable to see, are patiently waiting nearby, and making sure my current state is being taken care of, and that I am safe in my secluded environment.

I’m not sure at what point I entered my cocoon. But I’m certain of one thing—I’ve turned into mush. I became a hermit and endured loss after loss. The reality I’ve known, the feelings I’ve felt, the tears that have fallen—they only skim the surface of describing my breakdown.

I’ve been falling apart, melting into goop. Becoming something unrecognizable and losing the self that I’ve long known. Going places I never imagined myself to go and enduring pains that are nearly indescribable.

I spoke with my counselor for the first time in a month today. We usually meet weekly and within the first 15 minutes, he informed me that he could see I’ve made progress.

I sat stunned for a moment before confirming that I had really even heard those words come from what seemed like nowhere.

I’m aware of the mess I had turned into. I’ve been in this dark place for a long time. I was not however aware that I was beginning to transform. That my goop was beginning to resolidify into something different. Something new.

While enduring another round of growing pains this evening, I started to see what he saw. I noticed myself budding new beliefs. Changing colors. And dare I say, growing wings.

This painful process of breaking down and falling apart, isolating myself from the life I once lived, has slowly, yet surely, highlighted what I wish to let go of and what I wish to embody once I emerge.

I’m beginning to see that I’m no longer a capsule of mush. My wishes and desires are becoming a part of my reality.

I see now that I am a butterfly, in transition. Not yet there but not who I once was, either.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to break out of this space and emerge with wings, ready to take flight. Right now I’m focusing on digesting what I’ve spent my time eating—preparing for my next phase. I’ve been giving myself space to be, allowing the process to be what it is, and building the parts of me that will break me free.

I’m looking forward to appreciating my newfound beauty, far from who I used to be. Living life from a new perspective.

Unlike the caterpillar, who walks among the threat of getting stomped on before its mission is complete, I’ll soon be flying above all that has had the opportunity to hurt me. To break me. To destroy me.

And I’ll be landing on all things beautiful, knowing now how to appreciate it from a different view.

~