“I feel too young to carry such weight.

Yet the heaviness in my bones feels ancient.

Years spent searching, seeking, wanting. A guiding light, a teacher, a mother…

A remembering drives me.

A long forgotten, distant memory of wisdom, strength, of honoring and celebrating.

Gathering all the stories, collecting wisdom from corners and crags, wrapping myself in the shawls of my ancestral mothers.

I strive to give what wasn’t given.

To love and guide, cherish and honor. Dedicating my path to Her, I wrap them all in the protective, radiant embrace of a love not taught but deeply known.”~bee ananda

I wrote this quite a while ago, under my pen name, when my heart was simply tired. My mother lived with me, had all her family surrounding her and yet, she simply was not emotionally capable of being the matriarch, the glue of this family. And it had become so clear that somehow, I had accidentally stepped into that role. And I was mad. Hurt. Aching for the kind of relationship that felt nurturing, firm, warm, understanding, steady and accepting. I was learning to understand that my mother loves me, us all, dearly but in a very limited capacity. In the capacity of one ruled by unresolved trauma.

I had looked everywhere for someone to fill that role for me. In my younger years I put a couple people on pedestals and then raged when they proved themselves human and fell. The longing drove me. It also made me run from my own trauma and my pain. Until I simple could not run anymore. I couldn’t drink it away, I couldn’t stay busy enough, I couldn’t hide from it one more second. So I had to sit with it. Feel it. Cry about it. I sulked a LOT! I was pissed and whiny and then I was determined to love the way that I have always instinctively known how to love. I was blessed to be born with this deep understanding of how to see someone. Truly see them. And how to meet them exactly as they are. I finally realized that this was Goddess’s gift and Her way of healing me and of being my Mother. I began embracing this role of matriarch and trying to honor her by loving all these pieces of myself, including the messy, scarred ones, and loving every single piece. I embraced my path as a healer. I embraced this sacred role as matriarch to amazing clan I have- in all it’s crazy, dynamic, ever shifting wonderfulness. And I am grateful.