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I believe at this point we all know what emotionally unavailable means.
We’ve dated them, heard of them, had sex with them, married them, gave advice about them, and maybe, we were them.
But in case you need a refresher course, emotionally unavailable people are unable to recognize their own feelings. They have difficulty maintaining relationships and trusting others. They appear to be detached and complicated, and might find it hard to give or receive love.
In other words, this person keeps love and commitment at arm’s length.
Navigating with someone who’s emotionally unavailable is like navigating the ocean in a beautiful, beautiful boat and never ever reaching the shore.
Tell me about it. What everyone else called “emotionally unavailable,” I called a “hot challenge.”
In my 20s, I was happily navigating the ocean without actually knowing that I was supposed to find the “shore” that everyone talked about. I thought emotional unavailability was the norm. So I jumped from one relationship to another only to face more unavailability.
I won’t go into detail about what I went through, but the end of my 20s marked a different path for me.
Emotional unavailability was no longer a hot challenge; it was a loop I needed to escape, a pattern I needed to break. And the only way I escaped this loop was by being ready.
I wholeheartedly believe that we meet people for a reason. I don’t believe in accidents; I believe in growth. So we will meet every single person who will be part of this growth. That said, if we’re not ready, if we need more internal growth, we will keep meeting emotionally unavailable people and mistake our union for true love.
I’m not saying that we can only grow through meeting emotionally unavailable people, but I want to make clear that their presence in our lives might reveal a lot of things.
They will always look “attractive” and “challenging” until we know why we are seeing them this way.
So what does it mean to be ready? In my case, it came naturally. After more than 10 years of engaging with unavailable partners and lovers, I just lost my taste for them—the absent, the avoidant, the uncommitted.
Before that, no matter what my friends said or what my mom “felt,” no one and nothing could pull me out of the unavailability loop.
I pulled myself out when I became sick of the pattern.
I became sick of repeating the same old mistake, taking the same old route, and ending up in the same f*cking place.
I wanted substance. I wanted commitment. I wanted safety. I wanted assurance.
So if you want to walk away from an emotionally unavailable lover, ask yourself, “Am I ready?”
You might not be ready, and that’s okay. I wasn’t ready for years and years. At times, I was even aware of the toxicity I involved myself in but stayed because the sex was great. At other times, I refused to cut the cord because I was sure they would finally come to their senses and commit to me.
The scenarios are many—and they’re all okay.
When you’re ready, you’ll know. You’ll feel it. You won’t accept less that what you have always deserved. And when you’re ready, you’ll meet someone who’s ready too.
Do you feel ready? Ask yourself, why are you hanging on? What’s the childhood wound that’s making you pursue emotionally unavailable people? How can you heal it differently? How can you heal it without lingering in a destructive union?
If we’re always pursuing unavailable partners, there must be a reason.
Maybe it’s codependence, maybe because we’re the ones who are unavailable, maybe they’re reminding us of an absent parent.
Ask yourself, are you sure they’re emotionally unavailable? We all are at one point in time. Maybe they’re only emotionally unavailable at the beginning to protect themselves from hurt. But with more dates and more meetups, trust builds up and emotional unavailability turns into presence.
Consequently, please keep checking in with yourself. If you’re still feeling hooked, know that it’s not the right time. There might be more lessons in store for you. More situations that will help you do the necessary inner work.
But please know when to walk away. If you feel you’re ready, act upon this feeling.
Realize that it’s not what you want anymore. Realize that this pattern is hurtful and only keeping you stuck.
Realize that asking yourself questions is essential for your healing.
Let’s start with this one:
Are you ready?
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