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There is a beautiful unfolding in the journey of teaching, which is the journey of learning.

I talk, and teach, a lot about orgasms.

I also talk, and teach, a lot, about how orgasms are often a limitation on pleasure.

What we have done is made orgasm the criterion for a “successful” sexual experience, instead of our experience being about pleasure.

In this, we’ve created the pressure of having to have an orgasm, which takes us out of the moment, out of the sensations, out of the energy that we’re feeling now.

An aspect of the pressure is that we see orgasm as an achievement, a goal.

And a big part of this is time.

The time it takes us to have an orgasm.

Many women, men as well (although this seems to impact women more), feel, have been made to feel, that they’re taking too long.

There’s an element of guilt in this.

We get impatient.

And there’s more pressure.

We contract. Everything tightens, our bodies, muscles, nerves, genitals.

We lose sensitivity.

We dry up; we get soft.

Arousal drops.

The elusive orgasm becomes even more elusive. And the more we chase, the more elusive it becomes, until our orgasm has disappeared into space.

We feel frustrated; our partner feels frustrated.

What’s wrong—with us, with them?

The orgasm’s gone, the pleasure’s gone, the intimacy has gone.

We often have an expectation, very often fueled by porn, that it’s going to happen really quickly.

Rub, rub, rub, lick, lick, lick, stroke, stroke, stroke, pow!

Much of the media reinforces this, and as soon as the idea of time is there, the pressure’s there.

Another aspect of this, impacting women and men, is that many men haven’t learned about feeling into their arousal, allowing it to flow, to marinade. They get turned on and can’t wait to put it inside.

We also often have an expectation that what happens today is going to happen tomorrow. The person you’re lying next to, the person whose genitals are in your mouth, the clitoris you’re stroking, is not the same as yesterday. Our sexual energy is different, our emotional state is different, our body chemistry is different, our arousal is different.

There is a beautiful unfolding in the journey of teaching, which is the journey of learning.

Something revealed itself to me this week about time.

Take the orgasm away, you take the time away.

Then it becomes about pleasure.

And then orgasms tend to flow easier, because we’re more relaxed, because we’re not trying to make it happen.

We’re allowing the body to experience what’s there, what’s arising in this space of pleasure.

Gentle, intense, tender, fiery.

This is the space of conscious pleasure.

We’re meeting each other in sensation, in feeling, where we are.

Present.

Present in pleasure.

So much of what we do, how we live, in all areas of life, comes from our subconscious.

We live, we love, in patterns.

And our sexuality is one of the most deeply patterned aspects of life.

There are so many beliefs that sit in our subconscious.

I teach my students different ways to ask ourselves questions to explore what’s there. In the awareness that arises, we can see what we’ve done that comes from these beliefs.

The question to ask around this, and it opens some beautiful doors of perception, is: how connected are sex and orgasm in your mind?

The expectation that this creates becomes the way we think sex should be.

As soon as the “should” is there, we’re in judgment of the experience.

And we’re under pressure.

Pressure creates rigidity.

We get more attached to the outcome.

Pleasure creates flow.

We’re in the moment, in the body, in the heart, in the connection, in the sensation, in the feeling.

We’re in possibility.

The limitless possibility of pleasure.

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