I walked to and from school every day, always having lunch at home. There was a fast path we used to take that meant crossing a farmer’s field. The field had apple and cherry trees that exuded a delirious vibrancy in spring with its white and pink blossoms. A small electric fence kept sheep in one area, I could always hear them bloke in the evening when I went to bed before the farmer took them in for the night. But on this particular day, I chose not to take the tranquil path but took the sidewalk instead. The second last house before I had to turn left on a small gravel path was a white house with pale green storm shutters. It was adjacent to another farmer’s field which we weren’t allowed to walk on. The old woman living in that house would come running across her garden, swinging her fists in the air to chase us away. She knew the owner of the property and often was seen picking some of the fruits of the trees.

Today she was sweeping the sidewalk by her house as we approached. She had a small bucket with yellow fruits on her hips, we asked her about them. Smiling, she answered our questions about the golden fleshy fruits. Those were Mirabelle’s, she said, like plumbs but sweeter and waterier. She offered us some to try. Her sunken eyes mustering me closely as the wind of cars passing by blew her white hair to the side. As we were to leave, she tapped my shoulder and looked at me intently; “If you need help, I am here and I can help you if you want me to.” I asked her what she meant by that. She held back to think about her words and asked; “Is someone in your family sexually abusing you?” I immediately froze, unsure on what to do, my friends calling me to keep moving. Unable to take a step forward, I just stared at her and eventually found the courage to say, “I have to go home now.” Needless to say, my mother was infuriated when we told her about the incident. She went to confront the woman in person, I will never know what she said to her but the woman never talked to me again and even shut her doors and windows when I passed her house. It became the “creepy lady” house after that.

This was only one of many times people asked me that question, I felt like it was written all over my forehead. How come others seemed to know things about me that even I could not comprehend? It made me feel less intelligent and a bit naïve.

I didn’t know back then that it had nothing to do with my intelligence. But everything with how the subconscious mind works.

When the subconscious feels threatened, it will find shelter with the perceived bigger tribe which is perceived as the stronger tribe so it must be safer and it must be true. All critical thinking will get thrown overboard for the sake of “safety.”

It helps when an authority figure speaks up about a truth but it will still take time for things to catch on and people to turn around, and there is still no guarantee that it ever will.

It feels safer to the subconscious mind, to believe what we always believed, especially when we are afraid. Even when faced with evidence showing something different.

I lived like that all my life; it was hard to face my own truth. My reality was so difficult that my subconscious blocked conscious access to it. Leaving me completely self unaware and unconscious of the actual dangers I kept putting myself in for the sake of familiarity or “family,” which is perceived as the safe card by the subconscious mind.

You can tell when you are under that “spell” by observing your behaviors;

Avoidance, aloofness, lack of focus, forgetfulness, loosing your keys all the time, flip flopping with decisions, self sabotaging behavior, clumsiness, over protectiveness, unreasonable fears, a look on your face like that of a deer caught in headlights.

That’s all your subconscious trying to keep you in a safety bubble by limiting your conscious awareness. If you were aware and the above conditions disappeared, you would know that your reality isn’t safe, now that causes a lot of discomfort at first. Until you move “through” your fear and away from what’s not healthy for you. Without that discomfort, its unlikely for us to make a move.

Fear is a natural tool, working just as it’s supposed to. But true greatness, magical and miraculous unfoldments, success, happiness and joy are only found beyond the limitations of fear.

When something fails, one will take stronger measures next time to try control the desired outcome. I see that it is the logical next step based on what we know about the human subconscious mind.

We try to control when we are afraid.

Some control through intimidation, threats, interrogations, questioning others thoughts and actions, making confusing statements (can border on narcissistic abuse), being avoidant, avoiding having to be vulnerable or take responsibility and drawing interest through secrecy, playing the victim, trying to make you responsible of their situations, conditions, feelings and behaviors.

It’s important we understand our own human behaviors, to pinpoint the control dramas we use and the childhood adaptive personalities we are still playing out as adult children. The personalities that kept us undetected and safe within a family or tribal dynamic that was unhealthy.

It is difficult to sit with discomfort, as our subconscious minds priority is to move us from discomfort to pleasure. When a truth becomes discomforting, the subconscious avoids it by redirecting you to something that brings you pleasure and peace of mind.

Even if it’s immoral, unethical and illogical.

This is also why it’s so hard to beat addictions.

“When they fear, they will turn up the heat. They won’t see an alternative. Because their subconscious fears, limit their awareness.”