I have decided to write about a colossal transition for my husband and I, in that we decided to move my parents in with us. Our home that we bought in July of 2018 has an in-law apartment in the basement. It is a split-level ranch, sort of like the one I grew up in but updated and much bigger. I never thought we’d be purchasing a split-level. I love the look of cape style, colonial, or Victorian, but never split-level.

While for years I said I could never live with my father again after surviving my teenage years, when parents age and you witness the challenges they face, you can crumble into a ball of sympathy. We have joked over the years that I’d be the one as the nurse in the family to pick out the retirement/nursing home; so, they better be good to me or it would be “Shady Pines.” Here it is though, not “Shady Pines,” but rather Dan and my home.

We moved from our Boston city dwelling in 2018 to the burbs on the south shore of Boston once we found this great home with all the space we wanted. It even was well appointed with an in-law apartment. When Dan and I first discussed moving them here from Pennsylvania, we felt warm inside to be offering this option and they may not even want to consider it. But almost as the words fell out of my mouth, they were really considering it. They had questions that I thought were crazy like: are there dentists nearby? How far is the grocery store? Would we need to go into Boston for medical care? I tried not to sound too sarcastic with my replies to these types of questions.

My concerns were more about how we could live in the same house but have separate space and maintain privacy and independence while having peace of mind that we were right there together. I focused on the good aspects like holidays together and the safety of having us near so my parents wouldn’t need to worry. I also worried about what an impact their being here would be to my marriage.

After a quick visit, they decided to move forward with planning to move here. They came only once to see the space and if it could work for them and thought it would. Since that visit we had some construction done to improve and create a larger shower, add ADA bars, some specialty items they requested, improve the kitchen appliances, and add a second driveway. The space for them has its own entrance, plus one to the main house. It contains a basic kitchen, a good-sized living room and bedroom, and plenty of closets. In the large bath is also their own laundry. There is a working wood fireplace that we upgraded to a gas fireplace for ease and comfort. All in all, it’s a good space. We also have a big yard with plenty of outdoor space and seating options. There are also great neighbors here, who welcomed my parents.

The first drama: selling or even listing the home my parents lived in for 45ish years and before that lived next door since they had a double lot, they split it and built a new house in 1976. They are savers, in that they never throw away anything, they had a house jam packed with all sorts of things from over the 45 years including several relatives who passed and our childhood items that they never purged. My mother had been donating and giving away things for over a year since we first mentioned this option for them.

Then of course we had the pandemic adding spice to this already challenging situation. They needed to list their home during a pandemic, have strangers in that touch everything and open everything, even free-standing furniture that is not being sold with the house are opened and touched. Luckily, they listed their home on Tuesday, August 18, 2020 and had more than 50 showings over one week and got 4 offers. So, the house sold. Then they panicked about the inspections and the move. Due to their frugal nature, they chose to have a camping club friend drive a U-Haul trailer to us with their furniture and bigger items, had them spend the night here and then unpack the following day. So, this camping club woman and her mother, and my mother all came during a pandemic to spend the night at our house. Once the items were unpacked and inside the house, they turned right around to head back to Pennsylvania until the house was completely sold for a move at the end of September. I had planned to unpack and situate their things in the meantime while they finalized their home sale. I also panicked at the thought of having strangers spend the night in my home from out of state during a pandemic. Oh, and I also failed to mention that I was finishing up my doctorate in nursing during this time, just a bit more spice to make everything nice.

Last night my husband came home and told me a joke: What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted… Can’t share that nugget with the in-laws because they would be mortified! But we can laugh, since laughter is the key to keeping your sanity!

Today (Tuesday, Sept 8) I met my friend Kim to give away a brand-new rug I had bought for the apartment downstairs but needed to find a home for once my mother said she really wanted to keep her living room rug. This past weekend I mopped the floors and washed the bedding to prepare for the overnighters on Wednesday Sept. 9, 2020 for the delivery of furniture and personal items. All throughout this planning, I have reminded my parents that they are leaving an 1800 square foot house with garage, basement, attic, and shed that they packed full to the brim with things and downsizing to a maybe 900 square foot apartment. I keep telling them to purge as much as possible and only keep the meaningful things.

I will need to buy groceries for dinner for them and breakfast foods too. I planned on making shrimp scampi for dinner when they arrived with salad and bread. Then a French toast bake and quiche for breakfast the following morning.

On our weekly call the Sunday before the arrival, my dad said he had a bad vibe from the women buying the house. She is the one buying the house and taking a mortgage. I reminded him that’s not uncommon these days, as my husband and I did the same thing. More on the vibe later…

The Delivery:

First the caravan arrived much later than anticipated, due in about 7:30 pm but really arrived at 10:30 pm or later due to some wrong turns and in the end not being able to find the destination. My husband and I had to find them and let them follow us home. I fed them shrimp scampi and got them to bed. We got an early start the next morning unpacking the crammed full trailer. The in-law apartment was chock full of the boxes and furniture from the U-Haul, and the girls were on their way home to PA by 10:30 am. They were only here about 12 hours.

I stayed and unpacked all but 5 boxes that day and lined everything up anywhere I could find room. The piles of newspaper wrapping were on every dining room chair piled higher than I’m tall and the boxes flattened on the floor were above my head too. I couldn’t get over how much my mother brought and some of it just made me say “WHY?” but it’s her things and she did part with so many of the 45 years of belongings she had accumulated, but still I laughed at some of it. The photos do not do it justice, but an example of things that made me laugh was a Walkman and tape recorder from when I was about 5 years old, and a small “boombox” from back in the day when I was about 9 years old (I recall playing Appetite for Destruction at a 4th grade field day, which didn’t go over very well…). My father made ceramics when he was young and has several (two pheasants which I did not want to save, a horse that broke his tail but I did want to save because my grandmother proudly displayed it many years, and a nativity set that is still pristine other than a cow ear that broke and is glued on). His ceramics are truly beautiful. The glaze he used is iridescent over a cream nativity that just looks magical, and the horse is black with the same iridescence on it that it makes it more beautiful in person.  Overall, I had amassed a stack of flattened boxes that was taller than me and three piles of flattened paper wrappings that were each about 3 feet high, even while pressed flat. My husband took it all to the dump (the boxes and paper wrappings, not the collection of things my mother brought, lol) the Saturday after. On the Friday, I began doing the wash and did 8 loads. Saturday, I did another 8-10 loads of wash, and Sunday I finished up with the last 4 loads. I put everything away, although I thought about just donating some of it, I did not. But some of it was handed down to me when I was in middle school and my mother still had it in her “wardrobe.” Old sweatshirts and t-shirts that just are completely not needed, so many, in fact, that I needed to put about 12 of them in an under-bed storage case.

I’m not a knickknack person, but my mother is. I’m more of a minimalist and I think things that we have should serve a purpose. My mother doesn’t subscribe to that. She loves figurines, ornaments that stay out every day, statues of dogs and horses, and other meaningless items. I do love books, so I have many and will likely not part with them. Many are prized first editioned signed copies. So, I would not begrudge my mother her books. But the lighthouses, dog figurines, bears, horses, and other items that really have no meaning and do not create a cohesive décor, could go in my mind. Because she likes these items, I did my best to group like things together and organize every bit of stuff. I love organizing, so they might have saved there because I came up with creative ways to display the items and save space. I gave everything a place and did not throw anything out.

She even brought a few things that my dad might like to see. For example, she brought his ceramics and wood carvings that he carved. She brought two pipes that he has had my entire life and smoked a few times. She brought the hat, lunch pale, and lantern of my grandfather who worked in the cool mines and some gear from Bethlehem Steel that both my father and grandfather worked for. I like these things and they are cool history.

It was such a mess to unpack, I surely made more of a mess to sort and clean and put away. I made piles and made themes. I then saw how much of something I had and planned for how I would put it away. I believe “everything in it’s place and a place for everything.” This made for (4) 12-hour days and a few days of cleaning and finding homes for the odds and ends left. My mother brought a high number of bears that I had no place for, so I put them inside a cedar chest.  I found pins in jeans that I washed, m & m candies, and one quarter (which I earned)! Several things broke: her deviled egg plate split right down the middle. I super glued it and she can decide what to do with it (cough: toss). The glass from a framed picture shattered, but the picture was fine. Some Knickknacks broke to unrepairable states and I tossed them, not sad! Overall most things made it intact.

The themes are crystal keepsakes, Irish ornaments, hats, tools, Christmas décor, fall décor, Easter décor, Quilting/craft supplies, medical equipment, wood carvings,  photos, framed photos, post cards (so many post cards), mementos, important papers, medicine, bathroom supplies, carousel horses, Pax (the beloved Jack Russel Terrier dog who has since passed) items, lamps/nightlights/flashlights, heaters, outdoor décor, office supplies, note cards/cards, books, China closet things, misc.

I do love to organize, so I began with a bang and really gave it my all. I hope what I came up with, some creative, and some out of need, met my mother’s standards too. I found a place for everything, but I knew there would be was no space left for more. I had ideas for how we could manage and find a place for those things as well, but wanted to consider my mother’s thoughts and weigh in.  I left space reserved for PJ’s, underwear, socks. No more hanging space other than the coat closet, was available. That was astonishing since there is a good size closet with built ins in the bedroom. The walk-in closet under the stairs was where I hid away numerous tools, holiday decorations, and medical equipment since it is guaranteed that you hit your head when entering or leaving every single time. That left the walk-in cedar closet in the living space for other items. My mother has a lot of clothes! My father has a lot of clothes for a man who mostly wears a tee shirt and shorts, this was too much! Many of the clothes items were from the 1980’s that really have no need to still be in the rotation. More can go under the bed id needed in storage bags…

I also needed to find a power lift recliner for my father. My go to place is Costco and they had great options but were sold out. For anyone who has not bought Costco furniture, it is awesome! I have some in every room. My dining table that is counter height and eight chairs, is well loved and so sturdy and heavy. We have two bookcases with a rolling ladder from Costco that are so well made and beautiful that you’d assume they cost many more zeros than they did and came from a very high end furniture store. We also have a great pergola outdoor lounger that is well used by all as well from Costco. We bought the bathroom vanities at Costco. We have Kayak’s and SUP’s from Costco as well. I love them whole heartedly and completely recommend them (no financial kick back to me)!

So, since my go to was sold out, we need to find another option. I also needed to find my mother a recliner… We needed a wall mountable TV for the bedroom too (that will come from Costco) and maybe a kitchen cart too.

Purchases:

The recliners were challenging. I searched a few places and felt like it was a better idea to go in person to a store, but with COVID and not having my parents present to try recliners; I opted for online. Home Depot had the best selection, surprisingly. I found several options and sent them via email for input to my parents. My mother was busy breaking apart a Castro convertible sofa bed from at least the 70’s, that no one on earth would take, even as a donation. It was a lovely olive-green color with the “dust ruffle” around the bottom and a fold out mattress that the bars hit you in a wonderfully jarring way while you tried to sleep. It’s completely shocking that no one took that… Meanwhile my dad sat in his recliner and wrote back texts like “good girl” to me while I worked and try to find suitable recliners that can be delivered at or soon after their arrival. He never really looked at the ones I send and when pressed he said the Merax (I had sent two from that company, mind you) looked good. I read reviews and dimensions and chose two recliners. I had tried to get the same recliner for both of my parents, but they did not want that. My dad wants the power lift chair, and my mother would be completely appalled to have help getting up. So, I had to hope they fit through the door and are comfortable and work once delivered.

I went to two Costco’s for the TV, the first didn’t have it, but I still bought about $150 of things, and then went to a second Costco and found the model I wanted.

To Do Yet:

I still needed to finish washing dishes because while I found a place for everything, I just put things in places, but didn’t clean them first and having been stored in boxes and wrapped in newspaper, they need to be washed. I also needed to do one more wipe down of surfaces and a vacuum. Space for storage had to be found for the totes that my mom had packed things in and also the mobility cart that my dad uses to get around. The totes went in our attic and the mobility cart can temporarily (or permanently, as we are finding out) go in our garage, then (I had hoped) back in her Rav 4 once they were unpacked. She texted saying she was sending a box of pots, pans, and clothes, because it wouldn’t fit in the Rav 4… I really worried about how much more was yet to come for the final move, since there was no space left and the apartment was already chock full.

They arrived on September 30, which was a work (from home) day for me, so I knew I had several mandatory late meetings that day. This first arrival day would be the litmus test for how respectful of my work they would be, since I was working from home due to the pandemic.

The recliners that were forecasted for Oct 1 and Oct 13, came early the weekend (one Saturday and one Sunday) before they came. So, we were able to get them in place for the arrival Wednesday. We stored the bins in the attic, and I washed more dishes, but not all. I vacuumed and wiped things down and put up the TV mount and TV in the bedroom. It really came together well for the arrival.

Now nothing left to do but anticipate. I had dinner planned: Pork loin with mashed potatoes, and broccoli for Wednesday, Brussel risotto with scallops for Thursday, and Pulled pork with cole slaw for Friday. After that I figured they should be on their own with bearings. I did make an appointment for them to register and change over driver’s licenses on Oct 9, 2020.

They arrived on September 30 between meetings, and I was able to get them in before my next meeting. Then once it was 5pm, I went down to visit and brought our dog Kona to meet them, she did extremely well. Dan came down when he couldn’t find us after he got home from work.

We never lose power here in Canton and of course the day they moved we had lost power for about 3 hours. I was working from home so I needed to use my phone for meetings and prayed the power would be back on for their arrival. It came on just before they arrived. Thank GOD!!!!!

They acclimated to their new digs well at first. Unfortunately, they got news on October 1 that the house sale fell through because the buyer couldn’t get a co-signer, even thought she was preapproved. She had decided to try for an FHA loan and needed the co-signer and couldn’t get it done in time. So, the house went back on the market. Obviously, this added stress on everyone, and we all hoped it would sell before winter. At least they were here in this stress and not going through that alone. It hadn’t delayed there move but added additional stress.

The Friday after their arrival, I had a light day at work, so I tried to leave it in the afternoon and take my mother to the CVS and Shaw’s at Cobbs Corner. Of course, the moment we left, there was a big deal going on that I needed to advise on and pull a meeting together for. So, it was a disaster. We left, I let her drive so she could aim to get her bearings. She was slow and stopping at every crosswalk. She could not remember the directions to save her life. I wanted to show her the Shaw’s/CVS and the Costco. Then I figured we could venture to other places on the weekend. I was going to have her drop me home and then go back to Shaw’s on her own, but she couldn’t tell me how to get there, so I had her wait until I could go with her. She took a very long time to get a few groceries, which is to be expected in an unfamiliar place, but I was stressed and losing my patience even though I did not intend for that. She doesn’t know the store and had no list. I was nervous that the work issue would need more resolution.

Saturday, I had a little more flexibility. Dan and I started the morning with a hike, thank God, as it put me in a good mental place. I hate shopping but was trying to gear up for my mother because she loves shopping. I came home from the hike and we started out first at Costco. Saturday at Costco is a shitshow, but we got a good number of things she needed. Then she wanted to go to the Walmart Super Center. I don’t shop there and didn’t even know how to get there. I needed GPS. We went home from Costco and then I drove to Walmart. It was the third circle of hell! Not anything I want to do even with the best mask on in a pandemic, but in reality, I never want to do it. My mother was able to get more things that she and my dad use. Then she wanted to go to the Christmas Tree Shop and/or Dollar Tree. I had to look the Dollar place up but found one near where we were going for the Christmas tree shop. I did go in with her, but I had hit my head when we brought the stuff back from Costco because I don’t normally go in my front door, I park in the garage and go up that way, but coming in the front door, I hit my head and got a bad headache. The Dollar Tree was next to a Family Dollar that she also wanted to go in. At the second place, I had all I could stand, and I said once we entered the line to check out that I was going to wait outside. It had taken all day to go to all these places, none near the other (except Christmas Tree, which is next to the Costco where we began). I had had all I could stand. I said I didn’t want to do any shopping Sunday because I needed to do my wash for the week, cook our food, and get ready. I had cooked all week for us and wanted a break.

Sunday was a break of sorts. I slept later than normal 8:30. I got up and eased into my day. I wanted to go outside and meditate since it was so nice, but my mother came out too, so we sat, and she talked. I said I was going to make tea, asked if she wanted any, but she did not. I made my tea and let the dog out. When I went to see what the dog was barking at, my father was coming out of the basement. He is immobile. So, he came up and sat at the table outside their door. My mother joined. Dan and I stayed for a bit, but then I said we were making a grocery list and doing wash so I was going to head back in, but they could stay out and everybody got up to go back inside. I wasn’t trying to tell them to go back inside, but just that we had things to do and couldn’t hang out. I felt bad. Sunday is our day to get ready for the following week. I wasted all day shopping Saturday, so nothing got done.

During the work week they tend to leave me be and they do their own thing. They do text, which I have asked them not to do but it is better than calling. I worried when my mom left to shop and gone for a few hours that my dad would call up for me, but he didn’t.

They had no offers on the house, so they were worrying about it selling before winter. I hoped it would sell for them and for a decent amount. I have always felt like you get one chance for sale and if the buyers you pick can’t get the financing, then it is a shit show to get another good buyer.

The RMV trip really was the third circle of hell, even though I called Walmart (sorry Walmart, it’s not you, it’s that I hate shopping during a pandemic for hours for crap that my mother does not need) that… I first took my mother to get her license updated since she is the only one driving anymore, but my father insisted on updating his too even though he doesn’t drive, there is a pandemic going on, he hates going places, and his license did not expire for over a year. So, I made him an appointment, but I couldn’t get that day off work, so my mother got stuck taking him by herself. I’m sure she had her hands full taking him the to RMV alone.

They did get another good offer for just over asking at $210,000. They had a pending closing of early November. I hoped this time really yielded a sale so they could be free and clear. They needed a notary and tried the UPS that advertised notary services, but with COVID had closed those services. I found a woman who would come to the house, so booked her. Of course, they complained at the cost, but she came to the house in a pandemic when they needed on a tight timeline a notary. My neck is doing bad things. I feel like I broke my left elbow from nerve pain. Going to try traction today. I lifted too much weigh too soon while working out and now my neck, shoulder, and elbow are so painful! I’m going to rest, ice, and hope it improves.

They sold the house!!!! YAY!!!!!

We were close to Thanksgiving now and Dan and I usually host, so this year with COVID we will did not. My mom wanted to help make food for us, so since I’m not the best with meat having been vegetarian most my life, I asked if she would make the turkey and I would make everything else. It worked out and we enjoyed the dinner. Dan and I were able to have a Zoom with his family since normally we’d all be together, but more people joined the Zoom, so it did work out well too.

For Christmas, I bought us matching PJ’s and made us all wear them Christmas Eve for a photo. We had clam chowder and lobster rolls and then Christmas day just relaxed. New Year’s was uneventful, as was my birthday the day after, so low key and calm is great!

Things seemed to be going ok. My mom was getting her shopping routine down and my dad did the same minimal things he did before they got here. Then it snowed about 8 inches of heavy snow. I was working from home and went out to shovel and of course my mother came out to shovel. I told her to go inside, that she didn’t come here to shovel and that I would get it. She quipped back that she had done it her whole life. I said, well you don’t need to anymore now that you are here. She insisted. It was heavy wet snow that made my heart rate increase and back ache. I got so frustrated with her. I said leave the stuff at the end of the driveway since it was so heavy from the plow… she didn’t listen. Then she came over to the larger driveway to “help” me and I lost my shit. I said I needed her to go inside and I wasn’t going to argue with her outside and that if I had a heart attack, I needed her to be able to call 911. She is completely ridiculous. The last thing I’m going to have happen is her have a heart attack while shoveling snow for my driveway… It didn’t go well, and I stewed for days. I said we can’t have that go on again. She agreed that it can’t go on again, but also that I need to give her a break. I don’t want to get so angry, but the fear of her hurting herself on something so stupid as shoveling when we are more than capable, drives me nuts!

Winter faded and spring began. The spring was wonderful. I was still working mostly from home and my mother and I were getting along, walking the dog and such.

My husband and I purposefully planned our vacations for late in spring so that our teams could get time off since the pandemic was less raging. We wanted to visit his long-time childhood friend Ron, who had accepted a job in St. John at the start of the pandemic. We had only seen Ron as the pandemic was beginning, when he came to visit his then girlfriend Sioban, who he lovingly nicknamed Penny. His plan was to have her move down before she was stuck in the mainland US. Penny and Ron had been together about 7 years, easy to gage since it was one less than Dan and I had been together. They had always (who hadn’t) dreamt of moving to an island. When they vacationed to St. Thomas, they decided to really plan and look for work.  Ron had been offered work as a mechanic on the island of St. John and after months of negotiations, took the job. Penny moved after leaving her long-time job in fashion marketing to start her own business creating custom bathing suits.

Dan and I hadn’t gone anywhere since before the pandemic and were itching to take a vacation and the end of May 21’ was as long as we could stand. We booked flights, planned to stay with Ron and Penny in their spare room, and got the last rental car on the island.

Unfortunately, our dog Kona developed some severe allergies in the weeks before we were set to leave and began scratching her face off, so I took her to the vet. She had opened an area on her cheek and her eyes were weepy with infection from scratching. She had caused ear and eye infections and needed oral antibiotics, ear and eye drops, and the dreaded “cone of shame” for two weeks. Dan and I had planned to board her at the place she does day care, but the “cone of shame” made us worry that she would become aggressive or other dogs would be aggressive to her, so we asked my mother if she would watch her. My mother was overjoyed to watch Kona. She honestly couldn’t have been more excited.

So, we finalized the plan for St. John for the vacation we had been dreaming of. Just before our flights, Ron had texted Dan to plan logistics. We were more than capable of occupying our time until he could be home from work and let us in the apartment, so we weren’t sure what he meant by logistics. Turns out things were challenging for he and Penny to stay together based on many factors and so they decided to split right before we got there. Since they were agreeable, it was fine at first.

Dan and I are good to go for taking care of ourselves. We bring most things we need on vacation and rely little on others. We did not want to impose at all on them.

The beaches of St. John were warm and inviting. They had soft, fine sand and clear water. Often there was a food truck available for lunch and drinks. I could have done with less yachts, but otherwise the beaches were great. Since everyone went on vacation once vaccine was available and could only travel in US territories, St. John was jam packed with tourists and restaurants were all booked. We made it work but it was challenging some nights to get food. All in all, it was a great vacation and great place to visit friends.

My mother did very well with Kona and she was much improved when we returned.