Thirty years in the making, and I finally have my English degree. The subject of English, and words, and poetry, and writing, were at the core of what I had always loved. And much like many things in my life, coming about them in unconventional ways, I stumbled into a Bachelor’s degree after receiving a tip from a friend about working at a college full-time and taking classes tuition-free in the evenings. Sounded like a no-brainer, but “Do I have to take a test to be accepted?” I asked. It would be a deal breaker if I did. This tip came three years after I graduated from high school. My one dream of earning an English degree was already beginning to take shape (even though I felt a little doubtful).

During my elementary school days, life and learning came easy for me. I thoroughly enjoyed both. But after getting rejected from the high school of my choice in the eighth grade, my life and learning spiraled downwards, and subsequently my high school years. So towards the end of these years, I was left with a paralyzing fear of applying to any college because I didn’t want to take a chance at yet another rejection letter. So I told everyone that I was “taking a year off” and I went to work making money instead. Even though I had such a strong desire to continue my education, because of that high school rejection letter, I didn’t feel good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, just not enough of anything at all, I guess, to do so. I took that rejection letter to heart and allowed it to dictate my life for many years. It essentially caused my self-esteem to plummet.

Once my friend informed me that I would not be required to take an entrance exam at the college where I would eventually earn my BA, my mind and anxieties eased and I began dreaming, once again, about the English literature classes I would take with the undoubtedly wise and superior professors at this college, so I initially registered as an English major. But, after reading through the descriptions of the literature courses, and allowing my fear of not being enough to dictate my path, I very quickly changed my major. I was not yet at that point in my life where I felt smart enough, and thought I would embarrass myself with the people I looked up to within the English department. The major I switched to felt safer and more achievable for me, though it did not particularly challenge me at all. Nonetheless, this is what I stayed with to earn my BA, mostly because it was safe and achievable. I don’t regret it because it propelled me forward and gave me the confidence I needed at the time.

Upon graduation, I floundered around in a job that was safe, but uninspiring, and one in which I didn’t particularly flourish in, but I felt stuck and was merely going through the motions. I was completely at a loss about what else I would do with my life. But after listening to my mother tell me that she thought I would make a good English teacher, something she has said to me many times before, I mustered up the courage to enroll in a MS and Certification program to become one. With the subject of English bobbing around in my heart, I enrolled in the elementary education program instead, staying within my comfort zone of primary aged kids, and got certified to teach K-6. I told myself that I was petrified of older students (more like, intimidated by the English curriculum, once again). It would’ve been so easy to get cross-endorsed to teach secondary English at the time, but I let fear seep in, once again.

It never really felt “right” teaching those primary aged students. I think I inherently knew that I was not the right fit, but I spent many years doing it anyway. After nearly 20 years after, though, I found myself in a position to return to school to earn the certification needed to teach secondary English. It wasn’t an English degree, but it was one step closer to achieving my dream.

Perhaps it had always been Divine Timing, allowing things to happen when the time is right, but just two years ago, I earned a Master of Arts in English degree, thirty years in the making. I even surpassed my own expectations by getting my thesis published. Even though I did let fear dictate my path along my journey up until this point,  I’m not sure that I could’ve pulled off getting anything published back in my undergraduate days. I’m a believer in “everything happens for a reason” so I would like to think that the path I took I was meant to take, and the lessons I learned along the way led me to earning my English degree 30 years after my dream first began to take shape. Turns out I Am Enough.