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I’m 16. He’s my first crush.

I’ve got the so-called butterflies in my tummy. I’m excited. I want to be certain he’s into me. So, I find myself googling “Signs he is into you“. Then, I’m checking through the list:

>> “He smiles a lot when he’s around you.” Check!

>> “He finds any opportunity he can to touch you.” Check!

>> “He makes eye contact.” Check!

*takes a leap of joy*

Ok, so most of us have probably been in this situation more than once in our lives. We fall for someone and want to be sure they’re also feeling the same way. I mean…we have a strong feeling they do, but then again, it might just be in our heads.

What about the signs that show it isn’t really love? Maybe it’s possessiveness, abuse, or something else? When we’re young and naïve, we’re misled easily. I wish I’d read through a list like this before some of my relationships—it would have saved a lot of heartbreak.

If he does these things, it probably isn’t love (and, of course, this goes for both genders):

1. He wants to control what you wear.

Does he ever say anything like:

>> “That’s too revealing.”

>> “You’re not leaving the house like that.”

>> “You need to cover up.”

>> “You look slutty wearing those shorts.”

You might think he’s doing his job caring for you but these sorts of phrases sound a lot more like possession than love. It also sounds like he’s insecure. If he starts to make comments about everything you wear, that’s a massive red flag—he might be a total control freak. You have the right to wear whatever you want (as long as you feel comfortable doing so). This isn’t the 19th century.

2. He jokes at your expense in front of his mates.

You’re on a night out with his mates. Your boyfriend starts making jokes about you to his friends. Sexual or sexist jokes. He thinks it’s funny and doesn’t see any harm. You smile and try to let it slide, but know deep down it’s bothering you. As it well damn should—because he doesn’t respect you. That’s a form of verbal abuse and it’s definitely not love. Sister, kick him to the curb before it escalates into something a lot more serious.

3. There’s no more communication.

Don’t get me wrong: all relationships go through rough patches. If he’s finding excuses to not meet up or isn’t answering calls or texts, then something isn’t right. Maybe he no longer confides in you or is consistently withdrawn. If he shows disinterest in what you say or doesn’t seem to listen, maybe the love is gone. This obviously depends on context, but if you’re feeling something’s off, it probably is.

4. He doesn’t like you hanging out with your friends.

Sometimes we don’t like one or two of our partner’s friends—fair enough. We all have a right to our tastes or preferences. If he makes a scene every time you meet your friends, then maybe he’s the problem. It could be a sign of possessiveness or jealousy. Ask why he doesn’t like you hanging out with your friends. If he simply doesn’t want you to be out having fun, that’s an issue. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you only have to spend time with him. It’s important to make time for your friends too.

5. There are no more dates and there’s no longer intimacy.

He doesn’t make time for you anymore—you used to go to the movies once a week or maybe you used to go to an Indian restaurant down the road every Friday night. None of this has happened lately. In fact, you barely have dinner together anymore. Not to mention the lack of kisses, hugs, and intimacy. He shows no interest whatsoever. It sounds like the spark may have died.

6. Heated arguments turn physical.

He starts to lose his head during arguments. He punches the walls, grabs your wrists, or maybe even shoves you. This isn’t love. It’s a massive red flag. Men like this don’t change. This type of situation only gets worse. Do yourself a favour and get to a place of safety. Love does not hurt—and no it doesn’t matter what he was angry over!

There are more signs that he might not love you—these are just a few. If you find yourself in any of these situations, it’s worth asking each other if your feelings are mutual. There’s a fine line between love and possession, but if you have a gut feeling something isn’t right, then it probably isn’t. But most importantly, remember that abuse isn’t love. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, please reach out for help, in any form or way.

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