Free love.

What is “free love”? Is there even such a thing as free love? Looking back at the 1940’s where this term began, it meant lack of legal ties to someone instead of promiscuity. Today it is encompassed in the polyamorous and ethical non-monogamy communities. What is interesting about this lifestyle choice is that it has the term “love” when true love has nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with lust and lack of true connection with another person.

How do I know this? I have lived this life. Could it be me that is this way? Of course it is possible. However, as a coach, I will say this:  I am always looking at people’s behavior, their stated desires and their beliefs. I ask myself “are they in alignment” for what they say they want? We all have desires; expressed or hidden. I believe we think we know what we want. However, what’s underneath it is what we really want; even if we are unable to see it.

For example, people say they want to win the lottery so they can be happy. Well, money isn’t what they are looking for to make them happy. They are looking to be happy… period. They believe that money will bring happiness when they can have it right now. Money brings a feeling of freedom and safety as well. Freedom from money problems such as paying bills without having to go without your prescriptions or care for your kids or parents. Safety in terms of having a place to stay and not being homeless. Money can provide those things. Money is unable to provide happiness. It doesn’t have that power.

So, how does free love fit into this? First of all, let’s name it what it is. It’s free sexual pleasure. Free from guilt, from lying about where you were, who you were with and what happened. Freedom from the restrictions traditional relationships come with. We are wired for variety. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. It’s in our DNA to want to have variety in all of life. Does this then mean we’re destined to always want variety? Perhaps.

The fact is that you are unable to “love” a stranger. You can easily lust after them and you can be sexual with them. Loving someone is a conscious choice and continual state of action. Loving someone takes really knowing them in their glorious attributes and their dark shadow side as well. Without knowing who someone really is, how can you say you “love” them? You can love people or society as a whole, yet to love a specific person is to truly know them in a deeply non-physically intimate way.

While I am not a fan of “free love” aka free sex, I do understand people make choices based on the benefits they believe they will receive from these choices. It is up to you to decide what works for you to get your needs met. If you are looking for love, the best place to start is with loving yourself. If you’re looking for sex, it’s out there for you.

While some (very few) open relationships or ethically non-monogamous do work, 80 to 92% of open marriages fail. While I am all for people making choices to enhance their lives, I ask people to look at what is beneath their desires. Another sexual partner or true love or happiness? Is it possible to have it all? Yes. Is it possible with “free love”?  Not likely.

Having said all of this, I do wish you the best in your search for happiness, freedom and havng your dreams fulfilled.