I hope you enjoyed reading the introduction and Day 1 of my 10-Day Meditation Experience. Here is Day 2 and 3.

Day 2

Woken up at 4 a.m. by the morning bell, I was coughing and by mid-afternoon, I was frustrated because I couldn’t manage to get the breathing meditation down. Imagine practicing a breathing meditation when you can’t breathe through your nose! I believe the Day 1 experience caused me to get sick because I was getting my body to be at the same level as my mind, equanimity. This is when it finally clicked for me that my mind is really stronger than my body. I’ve been told that countless times before but come on. When you don’t experience it yourself, that shit isn’t true. It only becomes true when you yourself have experienced it. It is then that it is true and only true to you and for you. Somehow, the communication between my mind and my body were not synced. My mind wanted to get the meditation down because I was forcing my breath in an attempt to learn to follow it.

One of the techniques we were told to practice was “force breathing.” For example, when you go for a quick run and start panting in the process, then that’s when you feel the flow of breath. The determination in my mind forced my body to go into an unbalanced state, resulting in sickness. I stressed my body so much just by doing this meditation that I got sick from it. I am sure you can picture how frustrated I was.

Lesson from Discourse:

It wasn’t a pretty Day 2 for me. I was a frustrated wreck. I began feeling feverish and when I’m sick I get to a stage where I begin feeling unworthy and unwanted. I start wondering why my life is so fucked up, comparing my life to other people, and begin judging myself. To combat this, I start a story in my head where my life is so wonderful, and things are heading where I want them to be. This is how I feel when I become sick, and it can last for an extended time. This sickness lasted for 2 weeks but my mind kept its distance which was, and continued to be, great.

There was something Goenka said that confirmed what I do. I’m phrasing this in my own words, but he said something like, “It doesn’t matter how the tone of your voice sounds but what matters is if you say it out of the kindness of your heart or what your mind intended it to mean. If so, then it should be okay.” This was one of the reasons why I started holding back, except when I was drunk, but I had stopped drinking almost 2 years now because shit has come out of my mouth, and I would not apologize for anything, no matter how others interpret the words for themselves.

My tone does not determine my attitude toward you. Your assumption of my tone is your attitude toward yourself.

Day 3

I woke up sick and by mid-afternoon, I was crying while speaking to the assistant teachers because I needed some Tylenol. I never expected to get sick. I was having symptoms of fever while coughing. Of course, there was no surprise here. I was crying in front of the teachers and told them I wanted Tylenol because I wanted to make it through the 10 days. I wanted to find out what happened at the end of the 10 days. They told me not to expect anything but to focus on the now. I heard them and I knew there were lessons to take out of every single day. Sick and crying, I was happy by the end of the day because I was able to finally follow my breath. It was not perfect but manageable.

Lesson from Discourse:

That night, Goenka talked about experiencing the truth within yourself from the most subtle to the grossest experience you’ve encountered. I started crying when I heard this because I felt like such a horrible and evil person thinking back on the things I’ve done. I always thought I was a good person but because believing that shame + guilt = fear, it made me rethink whether I was good or not. I thought that this was the truth, but I’m just not where I am today. Now I know that I was being hard on myself, regardless of the situation. Plus, God only created perfect beings. He does not make mistakes.

We create a lot of illusions for ourselves. One example is physical beauty. Beauty is an illusion. It is a superficial and deceptive reality. It is not the ultimate truth. An example Goenka spoke of was when you tell your spouse she has beautiful hair, but then when dinner is being served there is a piece of hair on your food, and you are grossed out. How is that, when a moment ago you spoke of her hair so tenderly and now it’s gross? I thought the thought was hilarious because it’s true.

I hope this gives some light to your life.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. Let us see the true essence of every soul we meet. I am you, you are me, and we are one. Peace in your thoughts, words, and actions.

<3 Namaste