You are single and you don’t want to be.

You no longer want to go out and party, club, and fool around with a bunch of random people, now you want to settle your booty down and live out your life with someone special who wants the same. 

This can mean a slew of different things for different people. 

I have a friend who is on the market right now. She is in her thirties, wants to have a special someone, make a baby, have a comfortable house, build her business, travel and enjoy her dream life with her dream man. 

I know a man who is in his 50’s, kids are raised, he owns multiple properties, is successful in all ways. Has been divorced for a few years and wants someone who wants to sit back and be his support, travel, laugh, enjoy what he has built and build more together with him. He wants a woman who has freedom in her life schedule that matches his so they can live and love together into their golden years. 

I know a woman who is in her golden years but feels vibrant and is always a student of life. She wants a partner that wants to keep growing, exploring, is passionate about life, travel, dance and good food. 

Each single person looking for their partner has their story. Has their wants, needs and desires when it comes to who they choose to date for the rest of their lives. (yes, dating should never stop… just like foreplay should start right after the last orgasm ended, dating and romance should never stop or with it you will lose desire, play, mystery, eroticism and thus each other.)

But how do we find this match, or at very least better our chances of finding them where just in America alone over 40 million people are turning to strictly online dating?

How does the bored shopping for humans with all the swiping left and right, messaging a quick “hi” or a heart emoji bring back the intrigue and playfulness that dating is supposed to carry with it?

Let’s break it down for you into five easy to digest tips & tricks for our instant gratification world. 

Because that is exactly the issue. 

You are dating with the idea of instant gratification because that is what you have created a habit of in your life in all areas, including love, intimacy, connection, sex and commitment. 

“WHERE IS MY PARTNER?????”

I have dated just few men, okay maybe more than just a few…lol

I have been in a deep committed relationship with less than a handful of men, and I have explored all sorts of relating ideas and concepts, mostly because I am just a curious soul who want to learn about herself but also because we humans fascinate me and what better realm to learn then the science lab of one’s own life and experience? That is why when I share these tips I am sharing them from a place of compassion and authentic desire to help you reach your goal of finding your life partner where you feel called home to them in every breath, with every touch or eye gaze like I do with Craig. This deep soul bonding is special and unique; however, I believe that much like anything that we crave at our core level ( love, success, wealth, health, happiness, fulfillment) that it is accessible and meant for all of us. God only gives us the desire for that, that desires us too. The challenge always comes back to us as individuals and what we are willing to do to achieve our goals. 

Can we commit?

Stay motivated?

Stay positive even in the line of fire or disappointment?

Are we willing to expand ourselves, grow and walk into uncharted lands?

Can we stay curious?

Over 85% of people can’t! 

Actually, it’s not that they can’t in truth, it is that they won’t. It pulls them too far out of their comfort zone of familiar grounds and that scares them, so they will turn down their dreams and desires, their goals in whatever area of life that they are wanting for just to not rattle their own cage. Sad really, because greatness is for us all but we were not born with a brain that supports success. Our brains support survival, even if that means that we are held back from everything that we want and suffer instead. 

That’s why we want to be told the 1-2-3 of anything. We want the download to be quick, painless and require nothing of us. We want to pop onto the dating app, throw up some words (a ton of people fuck it all up right there… a crappy profile, not speaking who they are, afraid to stand out and be themselves and then don’t know how to communicate it if they do want to stand out). Toss a ten year old blurry picture up there, and sit back and expect that Mr./Mrs. Perfect Match will just grace their inbox in moments. 

It’s quite laughable, really. 

So what are the answers to finding your person? First I want to say that this article is for the serious of intention, not just the ones who are looking for a quick hook-up, granted if that is what you are wanting then the advice still applies. 

NARROW YOUR POOL

People enter the dating realm thinking they need to cast a big effing nest. They believe that it is a numbers game and that they have to go through massive numbers to find a few people to explore and that’s the only logical path to “the one.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Dating is a sales process and a good sales person knows that you must qualify your leads. So know what you want. Know what you offer. Look at who you are and what you are wanting to come from this process, what is the end result you are going for? Then only reach out to or accept offers from those people who match this. You will save time, energy and have greater success in dating if you do this vital trick. 

THE FINE ART OF COMMUNICATION

Chances are you don’t have this skill unless you have focused in some other field on it or done some conscious research and learning around it. Communication is one of the most challenging things we humans deal with in any relationship, and our online dating world is no different. There are a lot of unspoken rules when it comes to who makes the first communication, what to say in the approach, and how long you wait till you ask for the first call or face to face meeting. The basics are women want men to make the first move. This piece to the dating puzzle still has not changed. The majority of women still appreciate a man chasing her, and that’s a good damn thing because it keeps polarities in relating at a healthier level. However, guys your approach needs to be far more interesting and intenful than a random, “ hi” or “I like your smile,” or “ You are hot/beautiful/cute.” These statements equate to the whistles a woman gets walking past a construction site, they may make you as a guy feel like you touched base with a woman, but she won’t give you the time of day if she is looking for a quality relationship. 

Get curious about the person you are pursuing, or the person who is pursuing you. Stay true to who you are and ask  real questions. Understand that this is the beginning stage to seduction and the best way to move from here to a call or a face to face is to peak and hold the other person’s attention, or someone will most likely be getting ghosted. ( wonder why you got ghosted?  – they found you boring.)

CHIVALRY AIN’T DEAD!

I have heard a ton from men I coach out there, that chivalry is dead. Women don’t want it. They fight to pay the check, to hold the door, to drive themselves, etc. 

I have heard the same from women. Men won’t lead, they won’t make an offer, hold the door, let the woman walk in front of them through a restaurant. Won’t bring a flower. Men won’t romance. 

And it’s true. Our fast pace world of immediate gratification and equal rights has stolen from us the beautiful dance between Beauty and the Beast. We no longer value a man’s strengths as such, we see them as a man who is trying to control or belittle a woman and wanting just a pretty thing on his arm. Women have allowed a great pressure and burden of carrying both sexes roles on their backs, trying to be and provide everything. Modern woman believes that she has to be this way or she is weak. She believes that man is not trustworthy or loving. And she runs with the idea that she does not need him, all the while saying that she wants him. 

Chivalry is a step into the scary land of vulnerability for a new couple. 

And if they want to be a power couple that has a beautiful life and love story together then this is one area that they need to allow the dance of beauty and the beast to formulate each time they are together and even when they are not. 

Modern chivalry is shown through all the old school ways plus, showing up on social media outlets.  Today’s woman wants to have the relationship claimed publicly. At first in small ways of checking in together, then by labeling. She wants to be able to tag you on her favorite social media account with a picture of the flowers you surprised her with and have you respond with some cheesy thing like, “ they are nothing in comparison to your smile babe.”

INITIAL RAPPORT NOT CHEMISTRY

We get blinded by sexual chemistry and believe that a good long term relationship is based in it. We find someone hot and sexy and we tend to drop everything else, rose tinted glasses are glued onto our faces. The issue is that chemistry fades over time and getting to know someone. Chemistry is there often to get a sexual act to happen and thats great if we role back the clocks a thousand years, for the survival of our species and the populating of our world or keeping a family name going. But in today’s world, the majority of daters out there are not looking for this, even if they are wanting to start a family. They want something stable and connected.  That’s why looking for initial rapport and looking for compatibility is more important.  

SPARKS TO FLAMES EQUALS EMOTIONAL ADDICTION

And you want this! The bond that we are all wanting and craving is an emotional bond. A feeling. The number one issue that I hear from couples who are struggling is that they don’t feel their partner is emotionally connected to them any longer. They don’t feel desired. Who does not want to be desired? Its a basic human need and it is not just a sexual desire we are talking about or wanting in relationship. We crave emotional connection. We want to have someone care about how we are, what life is like, how work is going, etc. We want someone to share our pain and joy with. And in order to get the date, to get a second or third date or the ring on the finger you better learn how to spark another person’s emotions toward you. Simple rule of thumb is the old statement of “ God gave you one mouth and two ears.” Yes, ask meaningful questions and then listen with a present intent to truly hear this other soul. Be consistent in how you show up and impeccable with your word. A person who is in integrity is a person who will be felt at all levels and can be trusted. Trust breeds a deep connection and is the foundation to a strong and healthy relationship. Curiosity is a powerful tool here as well. Be curious about the other person, about life and about personal growth. A boring person will run out of emotional range to share life with someone else. By choosing to be a better you, live life fully with or without a partner and develop your emotional maturity you will stand out from the crowd and this person who you are pursuing will be mesmerized by your depth and mystery. 

If you enjoyed this article and want to learn to how to develop a light years above the rest dating profile, how to interact and ask for the date or how to go from dating to bonding for life with depth, love, adventure, and erotism then reach out to me for a more 1:1 approach that fits your personal goals and desires in calling in your soulmate today. 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

-KW