This article is written in partnership with afterglow, a female-centered, ethical porn website dedicated to erotic wellness. They’re all about educating and empowering women through cinematic porn, guided exercises, and educational articles—and we’re honored to work with them. ~ ed.

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“Let’s watch porn,” I’ve said once ever, in any of my relationships. Until last week.

My partner was returning home briefly between out-of-state work trainings which will keep us largely apart for the next few months, save for during small breaks. And while we’re all for new experiences in life, and are crazy about travel and adventure, pornland is not a frontier we’ve explored together—yet.

You probably don’t have to guess my partner’s response. But what you might be surprised about is the words that followed the initial, perhaps predictable affirmative answer:

“Female-centered, ethical porn?

That sounds really intriguing to me!” he said. Or something along those lines.

His eyes were aglow and he had that look he sometimes gets when I say or do something that impresses or surprises him—as if he’s just tapped into a little magic.

He loves my job almost as much as I do because we get access to opportunities like this all the time.

In this case, the opportunity came from afterglow, a (you guessed it) female-centered ethical porn website dedicated to not only putting more of an emphasis on portraying realistic women’s pleasure, but also educating folx on how to better tap into and form a relationship with their own and others’ bodies for the sake of sexy ecstasy.

At afterglow, they believe that erotic wellness is a key player in our overall wellbeing. They want people to know how to incorporate pleasure into their everyday lives (and to know that they deserve it)—an ultra-intimate form of self-care, if you will.

What makes afterglow different is that it’s porn by women, for everyone’s enjoyment. That means that afterglow original films are written, produced, and directed by women, and feature women performers who are empowered in the storylines.

Well that sounds different, huh?

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Flipping the narrative: what makes porn “ethical” (in a small nut shell)

Basically, like any other life issue that we like to make black and white, there’s actually an awful lot of gray in porn—and, no, we’re not talking 50 shades (unless you want us to).

So, sure, we see dramatic headlines about the “scientifically proven” dangers of pornography consumption—and those claims aren’t completely unfounded. But one major problem with such studies, according to psychologist Dr. Taylor Kohut, is that we often try to establish ways to confirm that porn is causing whatever harm we already believe exists (1).

We might read, for example, that excessive viewing of pornography is consistently associated with sexist attitudes and other dangerous outcomes. But that honestly depends on the person consuming the porn, and—more importantly—the porn they’re consuming.

So, what kind of porn would be ideal for consumption? The truth is that “ethical porn” means something different to every person. When it comes to evaluating the porn you consume, here are a few things to consider (2):

>> Are performers paid fairly and promptly?
>> Do performers have bodily autonomy?
>> Is it made with consent?
>> What physical and emotional safety practices are being taken?
>> Does it show both fantasy and realistic pleasure?
>> Does it represent diversity – including race, gender, body types, disabilities, and sexual orientation?

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More and more studies are showing that porn can actually have (gasp!) a positive effect on our lives.

Neuroscientist Dr. Nicole Prause explains that there is good evidence that viewing porn encourages mimicry and can increase people’s tendency to perform certain sexual acts (3). And it can be a great way to explore fantasies, learn about what turns us on, and how to prioritize our pleasure (2). It can even make us better partners, depending on how we consume it.

So, we don’t need to avoid porn…

We need to switch our porn-viewing paradigm from one of gratification to one of education.

Putting the negative stigma aside, my partner and I logged in and began our journey into afterglow.

As we pulled up the content, I found myself faced with shame surrounding the fact that porn has never really done much for me; this thought that I should be turned on by watching it, and ready to play and please weighed on me heavily.

That’s probably because, as afterglow’s educational materials and “ethical porn guide” explain, “the majority of pornography has been made under the male gaze. That means it’s been made by cis-gendered, heterosexual men, for cis-gendered, heterosexual men.” (4)

That explains why I assumed the worst: I was afraid we’d be embarking on a journey where one of us would feel, er, inspired at the end of whatever video we put on, while the other (I predicted me) would remain a wilted bud, unimpressed by bouncing bits and male bodies disappearing into moaning women.

My partner comforted me by reassuring me that he had no expectations beyond watching some porn together. He also reminded me of afterglow’s mission: that this was supposed to be porn that depicts what’s hot for women; not just men.

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And no, “what’s hot for women” isn’t only romantic, soft-core, heterosexual sex under soft lighting.

Porn for women covers a whole range of different things to satisfy our individual tastes. It can be hardcore, kinky, lesbian, gay, gangbangs, and more. Basically what we’re saying is that there’s “porn by women” for every person under the sun—not just the ladies. Whether you’re male, non-cis, non-binary, trans…you name it, there’s likely a porn made by a woman (and that empowers women) that’ll suit your fancy.

With that in mind, my cursor leaped to the eduporn section of the site. Everything was different after that.

Three videos caught our attention: “How to Have Sex Outdoors,” “How to Have Period Sex,” and “How to Have FaceTime Sex.”

Part of my fear of exploring afterglow together was related to my insecurity of a partner’s gaze focused on another woman, so while I was open to exploring the period video featuring a lesbian couple, and the FaceTime sex video prominently displaying a solo woman in the featured image, it seemed like a bit of a steep gradient of exploration for me. So, we went with the outdoors sex video to start.

It. Was. Perfect.

The conversational journey of the couple doing something that we were interested and experienced in doing served to give us new tips and ideas that exhilarated us and got our creative juices flowing. It opened the door for conversation, and I noticed my body and mind shift from potential pleasure being the objective of my viewing, to learning being the opportunity.

That makes a subtle but impactful difference.

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5 Things I Learned from my Coupled Eduporn Experience

Here’s what I learned in spending a night with my partner and afterglow (and then a night or two alone with it): When consumed thoughtfully…

1. Porn can help inform us of where our sexual boundaries lie, and tap into a new level of consent.

Like I shared, I can be a little insecure. That’s something I’m working on at the moment. But I had no idea that my insecurity was something that would be touched on when prepping to watch porn with my partner.

Tapping into afterglow’s eduporn section helped me to realize, “Oh, wow. This insecurity goes deep” and also allowed me the opportunity to set a boundary in a fun context and say to my partner, “Not tonight, but let’s get there soon” without feeling bad about where I was in my journey toward security.

As we perhaps begin to dig into more hardcore porn (which indeed is offered on afterglow), we can also pinpoint the sex acts that are off the table for us even if the rest of the video turns us on.

For example, when later watching some of afterglow’s more hardcore stuff on my own, I could draw a definite line between the turn on of being choked, and the turn off of being choked with deep throat. No thanks! 

On the other hand, videos can give us a little preview of something we never knew we wanted. In this case, consent is key. And not just at the beginning, but throughout experimentation. Porn can give us a segue into more taboo sex acts, which ups our consent game as we lay out where we’re willing to go at first, and how to know if we’re willing to go further or need to stop immediately (a distinct safe word is always helpful).

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2. Porn can normalize our own sexual experiences.

What little porn I have watched prior to afterglow has shown only women who seem to be 100 percent into every move the man makes on and in her body. Whatever he does is moan worthy.

While I can have that kind of sex, this certainly isn’t my norm. And I definitely don’t come every time, either, as seems to also be the regular in traditional porn.

What I enjoyed and learned from the videos I’ve watched on afterglow (and, yes, I’ve since watched some alone) is that when enjoyable sex is sometimes depicted as just that—enjoyable, but not necessarily earth shattering—the idea of simple, enjoyable sex without the pressure to hope it morphs into something leg-shaking becomes more appealing.

And when the pressure is off, and sex is all-around more appealing, pleasure comes that much more naturally.

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3. It can also normalize our bodies, in general.

afterglow’s ethical porn puts women and gender minorities in charge of the narrative, so it tends to center the pleasure of women and gender minorities on-screen. And, by showing sexual diversity and featuring different body types, it challenges traditional beauty standards and gender roles.

Belly jiggle, pregnancy, cellulite, alopecia…you name it; it’s all sexy. And being equally turned on watching body after body engrossed in the act, it’s helped me to look at the fact that I’m fine as I am—literally.

That sort of self-acceptance unlocked a slight but definitely tangible amount of pleasure potential for me, and I’m excited to watch that grow.

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4. Porn can help us learn a little bit more about our partner’s perhaps unspoken interests—and our own.

My partner and I are pretty darn good communicators. But, like every couple, there’s plenty of room to grow.

It was interesting to me to see where he would place the mouse cursor, versus where I would.

For instance, he’s voiced an interest in period sex before, but for me it’s just so slippery and messy; I’m not a big fan, and he’s never pressed the issue. But when his voice showed some excitement to learn how to excel at period sex, well, I assumed that his interest was perhaps more than slight.

But when we talked about it, what he shared is that while period sex isn’t one of his “things,” there have been times in our and other of his relationships where a desire for sexual intimacy has been present in both parties, but that a woman’s period has stopped it from happening. As a sensual and sensitive fella, he was curious about what he could learn from the eduporn video that might help bring sexual intimacy to the table despite a woman’s bleeding.

So, not only did I learn that it might be something worth trying with a little extra help from our friends at afterglow, but that my sweet man’s true interest was in how to create an opportunity for sexual intimacy when a silly block like a period might be present.

On the other hand, as our little arrow ventured outside of the eduporn library and into the cinematic content, he might have been surprised that my cursor pointed to a gang bang video, which even I wasn’t aware of how interested in that sort of content I’d been.

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As we become aware of our partner’s unspoken or even just quietly advertised interests (as well as our own) we can come to middle grounds or even begin to press up against our boundary lines in new and exciting (yet always respectful and consensual) ways.

5. Eduporn can help us communicate what feels good and what we want.

We were a decent way through our “How to Have Sex Outdoors” eduporn viewing when a simple move caught my attention.

She was being done from behind and he took his hands and ran it down the center of her spine. That simple action made being fucked in the wild seem somehow less rugged and so much more connected and tender.

And so, quietly, tenderly, I simply voiced that I wanted him to remember that for the next time we decided to get primal out in the woods.

I’d never have known I craved that simple of a gesture had I not seen it viewing this particular type of porn And it gave me a little something to look forward to.

There’s a lot of stigma out there when it comes to watching porn. And while it may be for what once seemed like good reasons due to the prior standards (or lack thereof) in the industry, there’s a shift coming about that’s for and led by women like the bold creators over at afterglow.

If there’s ever been a time to proudly clit—or, I mean—click in to the world of porn, it’s probably now (says the author formerly known as “doesn’t watch porn”). With ethical, female-pleasure-centered porn on the rise, watching can finally leave us with a full-blown afterglow without the slightest shadow of guilt.

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Resources:

1. https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/is-pornography-harmful/
2. https://xoafterglow.com/what-is-ethical-porn
3. https://www.liberoscenter.com/
4. https://xoafterglow.com/read/porn-by-women-for-women