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“Still single? How about any casual relationship or hook up? You’re still a virgin? How can you survive so many years without being pleasured?” And the list goes on.

I am sure many people who are in this club of singlehood, or who’ve never even had a casual relationship at some point post-puberty, must be facing intervening questions like this. There might be many potential reasons for being single or never finding the one, or simply, it could be that you are a Sapio-Demisexual. Yes, not just Sapio or Demi only, but rather you can be both at the same time.

What is Sapio-Demisexual?

This is a term which may not have a single definition because they are two different terms, but I fused them together when I realised that we can be both.

Sapiosexuals are basically people who find intelligence sexually attractive and arousing—not just physically but also emotionally. Intelligence is, in general, a subjective term, and it may not just refer to being a person who tops in academics, or who has a PhD, or is good with math or science. Relationship therapist Casey Tanner says that here the only turn on is intelligence—not status, power, or the finances that accompany intelligence.

Demisexuals are people who can only feel an attraction or arousal (both physically and emotionally) toward someone when they’ve established an emotional bond with that person. Many researchers say that demisexuality is also referred to as “gray-sexuality,” which is a gray area between asexuality and sexuality. As per my observation and research on this, the reason why it is something between asexuality and sexuality is because one does have sexual drives and wants sex, but they just cannot randomly do it with people unless they have a good and deep emotional bond with them. Demisexuality does not mean that one is afraid of sex, or doesn’t want to have sex, or they have less of a sex drive. No, it’s not that. It simply means they cannot have sex with just anyone they meet.

Now what is this emotional bond? How does it develop? 

An emotional bond, in my view, is again a subjective term. There is no fixed rule book or manual about the ways or milestones one needs to complete in order to feel an emotional connection with a person. For some, it may be measured by the level of comfort we feel around someone, or how easily we can have a conversation with them. And for others, it might mean sharing their deepest secrets and being vulnerable. To some, emotional connection can be about the intensity of friendship, which helps to spur the romantic feelings later. Also, there need not be any time period for this, is what I believe. Sometimes the emotional connection can take place in a few seconds, and sometimes it might take days, months, or years.

I believe that demisexual people have a high level of intuition and are premeditated when it comes to relationships. They are looking for deeper meaning and are clear on what they want out of a romantic relationship.

Why is it difficult to be both a sapio and demisexual in this hookup generation? 

So based on the definition above, if we join both these terms, a sapio-demisexual is a person who is not only drawn and attracted toward intelligence but also needs to have an emotional connection with the person in order to be in a relationship or be to be physically involved with them. Either one does not work for a person who is both. Both these conditions need to be equally fulfilled.

Now, the entire hookup culture is built on finding someone attractive in their looks, finance, power, status, or intelligence, and then building a sexual relationship without any emotional strings attached to it.

For sapio-demisexuals, surviving in this culture is difficult. Since demisexuals are intuitive, they look for deeper emotional bonds that would last longer, and since sapiosexuals are attracted to intelligence, they look for a smart person. A person who has both orientations would find it extremely difficult to connect with someone for a partnership. It is not impossible, but it is difficult. Naturally, the potential options dwindle for someone who has these two traits.

How important is it to know?

There is a lot of peer pressure to find a partner, to mate, to be in a relationship, or to just lose your virginity at a particular stage in life. This pressure generally is more on teenagers who hit puberty, because this is the age when their drive to explore and their libido is at its peak. With such a diverse range of information available on the internet, at times, it can be overwhelming and confusing to know what to follow and what not to follow.

And if someone is not guided properly at this stage of life, chances are that there might be problems in their adult stage of relationships and their sex life.

As per Freud’s theory, there are five stages of psycho-sexual development in life, and every stage has a phase of “conflict.” This “conflict” phase needs to be resolved before a person moves on to the next stage in life. If this mental conflict is not resolved at that given stage, then it creates problems in the next stage like frustration, overindulgence, or fixation.

So, let’s say for example, a person is sapio-demisexual from the start, but because of lack of awareness and under peer pressure, that person gives into this hookup culture and has a no strings attached relationships. There is a possibility of any three: frustration, overindulgence, or fixation.

Frustration means that the person is not able to leave that stage and move ahead to the next stage. The person is still confused and gives into demands. Overindulgence means that the need in a particular stage is not well-satisfied and the person over-indulges in activities. Frustration and overindulgence together can give rise to fixation, which means that the person’s libido has been permanently invested in one particular stage. This can lead a person to also either repel from having sex, or be overly involved in having sex with multiple partners, which can also, in turn, arouse psycho-sexual disorders, sexual dysfunction, paraphiliac, and gender identity disorders in severe situations.

It is thus important to first understand what one is, and second, not to give into society’s pressure to find a partner quickly.

Signs that you are a sapio-demisexual:

>> You crave deep conversations. Shallow does not work for you. Depth in a conversation is more important at any given point in time.

>> Mental and emotional connection over body attraction. Physical features do not seem to be the source of primary attraction you can have toward someone.

>> Wealth, fame, and other materialistic things do not attract you to the person.

>> You enjoy sex or physical touch only if you are emotionally connected with the person fitting into your definition of intelligence.

>> It is hard for you to understand or get involved in hookup culture.

>> You do not feel the need to act on your arousal like other people do, spending money to get laid, or break a relationship off only because sex is bad, and so on.

If you identify yourself in the above signs, it means that you are a sapio-demisexual. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being one or openly talking about it. While for the rest of the world it might be difficult to understand someone who does not feel the need to get laid desperately, it is important to be self-aware, and to accept yourself and your sexuality, and be proud of it.

As Robert Frost once said: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Your sexuality is simply that. It is not that you choose for yourself , but it is something that is always inbuilt within you, and we need to own it.

Acceptance and empathy from society does not come easy, I know. But for change to happen, it is important that awareness is spread and self-awareness is practiced, so we can feel comfortable with our sexuality.