I was honored to be a part of my best friends wedding celebration.

With that came great responsibility, dresses, outings, and the speech.

Today it is safe to say, there is no video evidence of my speech, only pictures and that makes me feel so good.

I am a procrastinator sometimes, and sometimes I just don’t think things through. It wasn’t until the rehearsal dinner that I thought about a speech. When the best man asked my head swirled! And, yes, they wanted speeches. I panicked, then forgot about it. Like maybe I can get out of this somehow, or they just might skip that part for some reason.

They did not.

While I was preparing the speech, I was reminded of two other times I was expected to speak. But unfortunately I could not find my voice at those ceremonies.

Why could I not speak at my friends funerals but am excited to speak as Jessica’s maid of honor. Maybe all the ones who thought I could speak have opinions of what they expect me to say and their judgement of why I didn’t. But none of those people were at the wedding ; none of them will see or hear this speech. It’s been so hard for me to call someone best friend and yet here I am. Just at this moment realizing how close and how important I am to Jessica.

I lost Darci when I was 25 and Skye when I was 40. We all met in college and they influenced my life so much. But at their funerals so many people seemed to expect me to speak. They wanted to hear me talk about who they were and what they meant to me. But, I could not bring myself to stand before family and friends and be so broken openly. My voice, my words were hidden so deep inside, I am still cautions of letting them out. Being vulnerable in front of so many people…..

I have to started reminding myself, this is my path. These are my feet, my words, I should never chastise my voice when I can’t find it. Taking care of my emotions weather being completely destroyed or rejoicing about love and friendships. I should rejoice when I find my voice and hope its loud and strong coming through.

Looking inside myself and asking, do I want to do this? Can I speak? And I found this small burning flame in the emotional darkness that sometime is my heart. Burring, wanted to say how much Jessica an Matt mean to me.

I stood, I spoke! The crowed laughed at my funny insight into how Jessica and I met. A simple expression on how special and strong a friendship has to be to endure being actual friends and coworkers. Speaking about how Matt has became an instant father to two very strong boys takes a very special man with a loving heart. Wishing them warmest memories from ordinary moments.

Even though I could not fully express how amazing her entire family is, I knew I had the words this time and that burning flame, the slightest courage, I found my voice and spoke.