We’ve all been there: Unhappy in a job, a marriage, our life (all three at once? my hand is up). Needing to make a big change but overwhelmed with all the various outcomes that we play over in our head’s day and night. Desperate to find freedom from our colleagues and devices. Personally, hating my legal career and wanting to make a change but having no clue what to do next.

Enter: the self-help industry. And industry is a fitting word here: one that is proficient in marketing to, and profiting off, other people’s issues. It’s worth billions of dollars a year.

As someone who has dipped my toes in the waters of self-help (actually, that’s a complete lie — I have been fully submerged in it at my lowest times), there is often a lot of sound wisdom hidden amidst marketing gimmicks and unproven remedies.

However, much like many of you (I’m sure), when things are not going so well for me, I’m rather quick to buy the book, sign up for the course, or swipe my card to attend an outrageously priced online workshop (lifetime access gets me every time!). I’ve downloaded it all from ‘find your purpose’ to spirituality to indigenous healing techniques. But then, after a few days or a couple weeks at most, I struggle to find the time to commit. I move on and I’m left with not much to show. Nothing has actually changed in my life. That is, until the Next Great Idea pops up on social media and gets me hooked all over again.

It would be easy to blame this phenomenon on those unscrupulous marketers (I always imagine them to be sitting in a Devil Wear’s Prada styled office looking down on us mere mortals from their oversized Manhattan windows) but I truly think the blame lies back with each of us.

Here’s why: we’ve given up our agency. We’re happy to rely on anyone outside of ourselves (God, priest, therapist, doctor, and dare I say, influencer) to tell us what to do to solve our problems.

We’re passive participants in our own lives. Consumers of advice.

The success of social media thrives off this fact. Keep them scrolling and streaming. In the tech world, customers are referred to as ‘users’ and it’s no coincidence that so are junkies.

But the good news is that this (usually unconscious) passive approach to our lives and how we deal with our problems can change. If we’re able to shift our mindset then we approach our personal development and self-help with a different perspective.

We can put the self back into self-help. 

But before we turn to some of the amazing techniques and tools others can offer us, we need to change our mindset first. We need to shift from being a victim to being the conductor of our lives. We need to build confidence within ourselves.

How do we do this?

Personally, I’ve become an active participant in my own life. After trying and failing so many times I had to take a hard look at my approach and try something new. I realised where I was falling short was not having the inner confidence to be able to listen to my inner voice of wisdom instead of immediately doing a Google search.

When I now have a problem (usually somewhere between juggling clients and what to make for dinner), I approach it as follows:

– Recognize the problem and try to understand it as objectively as possible

– Pause. Take some time to sit with the issue and simply observe my reaction. Feel what my inner wisdom is telling me.

– Strategize. Brainstorm potential solutions (this is a key). There are always various scenarios. I write them down and research as needed.

– Decide on the approach (the ‘plan’).

– Seek help with the plan as needed. If you feel that when it comes to navigating your issue, such as getting divorced, you need extra support, seek out the expert, tools or books that speak to you. This is where the shift kicks in — don’t blindly follow the advice you receive or believe it’s going to be the magic pill you need. Test it out. See it as a tool available to you and part of your overall strategy. Pivot if it’s not working.

– Remain accountable to yourself for following your plan. No one else cares. It sounds harsh but its true.

If you take action as opposed to passively consuming information, something will shift. It may not be what you had envisaged but something will change.

Working with our inner wisdom in this way takes some getting used to. It’s not our common go-to. If you would like to build confidence in your inner voice I invite you to try this one simple tool. It’s something I call the ‘Self-connection Gesture’ and I have used it for years now. It’s a tool designed to connect you with your inner voice of wisdom. If you don’t know what that voice feels like close your eyes for a moment and feel it. It’s there. It’s usually the little voice in the background that’s been with you since birth.

Ø Secret Self-connection Gesture:

Create a personal gesture that will help you connect with that inner voice of wisdom inside of you. You can and should keep your gesture private from others in your life (we don’t need to share everything!).

For example, I place my left (non-dominant) hand on my heart. It’s as simple as that. You may want to touch your ear with your fingertips, or put a hand on your belly. Whatever feels best and connected for you.

Use the gesture as frequently as you need throughout your day to tune in and recognize your inner voice of wisdom.

You may not feel anything when you do the gesture. That’s not the point. The gesture is there to remind you to recognize your inner wisdom and honour it.

By using this gesture throughout your day (in the traffic, whilst cooking dinner, or when your thoughts are racing at 2am) you’ll start to build the inner confidence you need to conduct your own life. I’ve used it in the middle of arguments and even at the boardroom table. You’ll start reacting from a place of wisdom instead of confusion.

It’s as simple as that.

If you’d like to learn more about this tool and others like it, please subscribe on the website www.thewisdomtoolbox.com for our free tools and other resources.

With love and connection,

Nicola x