I’m going to share something that feels very private.  That makes me feel vulnerable.  But I hope that maybe it will speak to someone out there in the way it spoke to me so I’ve decided to share it, as awkward as it may be – fully admitting that I am a bit of a newbie in the spiritual department.

I’ve had a confusing relationship with God.  I’ve always wanted a relationship.  I kind of envied people who said they had conversations with God, but to be honest, I also kind of judged them.  Part of me thought it was all for show and part of me wanted it to be real and want it for myself too.  I grew up going to Catholic and Jesuit schools so there was ample opportunity for religion “to take.”  And still it felt alien.  I felt spiritual and prayed throughout the day but for some reason I decided my connection with God was not on the same level as other peoples.  I’ve never been in their hearts or minds or body but I “knew” my experience was lesser than theirs.  Growing up we said “our religion is to be kind and gentle to everyone” and that felt like the best description to me so I continue to try to live that every day.

I heard one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, discussing her spiritual practice of two way prayers in the latest episode of the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast.  She explained that it was a foundational practice of the 12 steps to write a letter to God asking a question every day.  She explained how all you do is go to a quiet spot, maybe read some lines that are sacred to you (she gave the example of Walt Whitman) to “open the door” for you.  She starts with “Dear god, what would you have me know today.” She suggests including sweet words to forge the spiritual connection like “my dear love,” “my love,” etc.  Listening to her read her letter, that longing of connection to a higher power returned.  I listened to that episode on repeat as I walked along the beach and it felt how I imagine church feels like for very religious people.  Here’s some more information about two way prayers that I googled https://www.twowayprayer.org/practicing.

I’m not sure what the word is best to describe what I thought and felt as she read this letter that she said was a basically like a customized bible made just for her. I didn’t realize that kind of “service” was available from God.  I knew that I longed for the connection with a higher power but didn’t agree with some of the teachings and beliefs of the “off the shelf” religions/variations.  I didn’t realize that you could order “a la carte” a spiritual connection all your own.  And so, although apprehensive and critical that I could create my own spiritual path following this guidance, I thought I’d give it a try.  Right before I started my husband brought in a package for me and I thought to myself that I hadn’t ordered anything.  I opened it up and it was the snuggliest gift, a barefoot blanket, from a dear friend, Jill.  Just what I needed to get cozy and write.  I picked up my pen and started writing in a notebook all at once.  I didn’t time it but it just came out from me in a few minutes.  I typed it after and fought the urge to make any changes.  I just typed exactly what I had written.  This is what happened.

May 13, 2002

Dear God,

What would you have me know today?

My Dear Sweet Love,

I know you are full of so much pain and sadness and don’t know what to do with it.  Do nothing.  Let me take it and help you carry it.  You are not alone. When you walk on the beach, I am making invisible footprints in the sand next to you.  When you read a line in a book and it feels like someone is holding your hand, it is me.  I am there with you.  When you feel there is no light and you are alone, I am there with you.

My love you are allowed to rest.  Who told you you couldn’t?  Who made you think rest is something to be ashamed of?  That resting is laziness?  If no one told you that, why do you tell that to yourself?  You have been through a great trauma – you do not need permission from anyone but just to reiterate YOU ARE ALLOWED TO REST.

You are allowed to feel all the things.  Please feel all the things!  I didn’t make an array of feelings available for humans for you to only experience one!  All feelings are valuable and you are valuable no matter what you are feeling.  Not just when you are sunny and uplifting but always.  Do you hear me my sweet little dear?  You are always valuable.  You were made valuable – you never had to prove your worth to me or to anyone.  So let yourself rest.  Let me sit with you while you heal.  You are not alone.  We are together.  Today and tomorrow.  There will be bumps, good days and bad days but we have each other.  It’s not about finding the road of least resistance but knowing that whatever road you take you are not alone.  So, for now my love, rest.  For we have so many more roads to travel together.

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I feel nervous but excited about this new found friend who will always be with me.  Whether it’s God or just the best part of me, I think its’ message is important either way.  To take the time to listen to my deep knowing thoughts, not just my anxious, frazzled ones.  To listen to the voice beyond the asshole inside my head.

My husband, Adam, isn’t really into this “woo woo” type stuff. He’s a self-proclaimed atheist.  And that’s fine with me – I think everyone should follow their own beliefs (as long as they aren’t hurting anyone).  But some interesting things happened after I wrote my first two way prayer.  First, around 5 pm I had a revelation that I had actually drawn the exact barefoot blanket that my friend had given me today, more than once.  I have wanted one for years but thought it was too extravagant for me to buy one for myself.  Just a coincidence?  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Strange timing.

Then at 7pm another friend (who I hadn’t talked to in a while) asked me to go on a mini trip to Joshua tree with her next week to “relax, swim, and drink wine.”  So, we left that Wednesday.  On the trip fueled by alien stories, wine and talking about spirituality, she told me that when she had texted me to come she had gotten this sudden feeling that she was supposed to ask me at that moment, even if it seemed random (it’s not like she was already going there and asked me if I wanted to tag along).  And she did.

Again, Adam would call this all coincidence and maybe it was.  Or maybe it was something else.  It seems odd that I would write this two way prayer that focused on letting myself rest and then out of nowhere received the blanket to rest with and an invitation to go on a trip to rest.  It does feel like I put something into the world and the world heard me and encouraged me to listen to it.  Which I think is pretty magical.

As an update, I continue to start my mornings with two way prayers.  Every day seems to be a new lesson with a new topic and honestly, I look forward to this time.  The words seem to just flow out of me like water in an overflowing glass.  They flow and flow and when they naturally begin to stop, I just stop writing.  Sometime it almost feels like I am a ventriloquist with someone else’s words because, although I am the one writing them, it doesn’t really feel like they are coming from me entirely.  I have never spoken to myself in such a supportive and encouraging way before.  In the past I was always second guessing myself and my decisions.  Telling myself to trust myself is a new path forward and I am enjoying it.  Below is a more recent entry.

June 11, 2022

Dear God,

What would you have me know today?

My love you look so often to those around you for answers.  You focus so much on what’s on the outside – it’s time you start looking on the inside.

Have you asked yourself what Glennon suggested – what is the truest and most beautiful life for Katie?  You don’t have to answer this now darling but I want you to sit with it for a couple of days and then write it down.  You need to learn to trust what is within you.  The restlessness, uneasiness inside of you – it means something – what does it mean?

Your whole life has been structured for you – be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student.  You looked at what you should do like a soldier and followed orders.  And you were “successful” at that.  But my dear you are not a soldier.  You are a creator.  You get to design the life you want – you just have to be brave enough to form your own blueprint.  And that blueprint is a living document – you are its creator and can change it when you see fit.  You don’t need to consult with anyone except your deepest knowing of what is true and beautiful for you.  This won’t be easy and will take continued reflection.  It may take practice to filter through all the messages society has told you about who you are, who you need to be, who you should be.  But always remember my love – it is not up to them. You get one precious life to live.  You must learn to live in accordance to your own standards – not theirs.  It is scary because instead of getting a blueprint and following directions like a zombie, you will have to do the work to create your own.  But my love it is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and others.  To live by your own compass, just like the song lyrics by Tish Milton – stop asking directions to places they’ve never been.

My love, the places you want to go may not even be on the map yet – that is the beauty of creating your own.  You can create things and add things that are yet to exist.  You darling are the creator of your story.  Can you trust yourself enough to start writing it?  to start forming and creating and willing into existence your own beautiful story, your own beautiful life?  You are the architect my dear.  It is what you were born to do – if only you could remember.  If only you could look at all the messages being thrown at you and say to them “NO,” this is not my path to my truest and most beautiful self and life. Speak up for yourself!  No one else is coming for you.  You are your own hero – when will you remember that?  You aren’t starting from scratch darling – you just must remember what has been inside of you all along and forge a path there all your own.  It is your path but you know you will never be on it alone.  I will be with you because I am inside of you.  You can plug your ears and turn away, but I will always be there right by your side when you are ready to let me back into your heart.  You have everything you need – you just need to remember how to use it darling.

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These ideas feel right and true to me – whether they come from a spiritual being outside or inside of myself.