Wowzah! Summer Song, proclaimed this on a YouTube audio recording I recently listened to on unconditional love.

As a woman who was plagued with a victim mentality for decades, this landed in my gut. With every breath, the power and worthiness of Summer’s mantra grew, so I knew that it had to be shared.

I am 61-years old, and like many, I had a less than ideal childhood. And yes, I fell victim to that too. “If only…Why me?…It should have been different…It’s not my fault…”

Childhood memories and interpretations are stored deeply in our brains to keep us safe from future risks. Unfortunately, they don’t go away with chronological age. Instead, they show up and mess with us in our autopilot thoughts, limiting beliefs and behaviors.

Victims often focus on painful and deflating emotions. Falling into a martyr streak was a super power of mine! If I felt misunderstood, I would pout, withdraw, cross my arms and tune out. I had such a flare for the dramatic, that it was almost as if I was addicted to finding the negative in any circumstance.

Victims crave unconditional love, but when pity is practiced internally, pity is received externally too. It’s a vicious negative cycle of trying to be seen, heard and accepted, but instead, distance develops with others because they feel helpless or guilty in their inability to bring the Victim any relief.

We deserve better than to live our precious lives feeling that we’ll get more love and attention if we complain about how life and other people are doing us wrong.

What to do instead:

1. Identify the emotions that emerge when your Victim is activated. Is it sadness about how unfair life is to you? Disappointment with others you feel have done you wrong? Is it moodiness and feeling unhappy? Is it self-pity?
2. Label these thoughts and emotions as the ‘Victim’ to help to discredit and weaken it.
3. Don’t argue or judge the emotions. Simply just label them.
4. Take 3 deep slow breaths to help shift out of your head and into your physical body.
5. Can you be curious, rather than judgmental with the emotions? Why did they invade your headspace? Where did it come from? How might you feel if you didn’t have that thought?
6. Repeat: “I am no longer going to hold you responsible for how I feel.”
7. I am responsible for how I feel.

Do you feel the empowerment, or is there still resistance? There is no right or wrong answer. Simply observe.

Separating from the Victim, or other Saboteurs in our minds, is freedom! It’s a reminder that we always have a choice.

The choice may require new tools, support and lots of practice.

“New tools, support, practice?!” Does that scream “bad” or does that sound like a gift or opportunity?

You might recall that I said that I “used to have a Victim mentality.” What changed was that I chose the tools, support and practice. They turned out to be the most rewarding and valuable gift ever.

{The work that I do as a Mental Fitness Coach is based on Shirzad Chamine’s, Positive Intelligence. My gratitude and growth from this journey is immeasurable, and my purpose is to encourage everyone to embrace this gift too. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you.}

You are invited to join my (for women only) Private Facebook Community: Mending Minds for Wellness, here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2826222590777528

#victim #mentalfitness #mentalfitnesscoach #relationshipgoals #repairingrelationships #beauthentic #behappy #selfworth