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Lately, I’ve been craving more intimacy in my relationships.

I’m tired of the played-out “how are you?”s and the “what are you up to?”s because I want more realness. More openness. More vulnerability. More honesty.

I catch myself all the time robotically replying “good” to those who ask me how I am. When, in reality, a lot of the time, I’m feeling something more than just “good.” And I don’t tell people I’m good because I’m afraid to admit that I’m feeling anxious or regretful or excited or f*cking fantastic, but because I’ve been conditioned to respond that way. And to be honest, the question “how are you?” just doesn’t have much depth.

I still ask my family and my friends and random strangers how they are because I care and I do want to know how they are. But, because I’m craving more intimacy, I’ve been working on figuring out how I can get more out of them.

And personally, it takes a lot more than “how are you?” to get me to open up about how I really am. (I’m the type who needs a little prodding in order to speak up.) So, surely, I’m not the only one. Right?

So, in order to receive the intimacy I crave, I’m working on changing my small talk to big talk. And the first question I’ve replaced is “how are you?” Instead of involuntarily asking someone how they are, I’m deciding to replace it with:

>> What are you feeling right now? 

or

>> What’s on your mind?

And on my quest to create more meaningful connections, I came across this video that provides six more questions we can ask to replace some of our overused, cliché small talk questions:

 

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Small talk: How are you?

Big talk: What are you curious about lately?

~

Small talk: What do you do?

Big talk: What do you love to do? Or, what’s a project that you’re most excited about working on right now?

~

Small talk: Where are you from?

Big talk: What feels like home to you?

~

Small talk: So how about that weather?

Big talk: What are your favorite things to do when the weather is like this?

~

Small talk: What are you up to this weekend?

Big talk: What’s your next big adventure?

~

Starting today, I’m going to become more conscious of the questions I ask—because the questions we ask others can make all the difference in the connections we create.

It’s okay to engage in small talk, of course—there’s a time and a place when it’s valuable. But, I challenge you to also reassess the questions you’re asking and see how you can shift them to build more meaning, more connection, and more intimacy in your relationships.