Addiction is a tricky disease.

Some think that its a lifestyle choice to be ashamed of, others see it for what it is; a disease that can eat away at your soul and mind.

Here is one woman’s story. I grew up surrounded by alcoholics and marijuana smokers and spent my entire life around them. As a young child, I never saw anything but the pain and agony that getting stuck in that lifestyle caused. As junior high came around it only seemed natural to me to dabble with the very substances I saw used daily. I remember taking my first hit from a joint and the first time I drank with my friends and had to hide the smell of both on my breath from my parents at 14. Did I get caught? Yes. Did they care? I still don’t know if they recognized what would happen.

Between alcohol and marijuana, I felt myself escaping into another world where I didn’t have to care.

And that’s where it all started.

Fast forward 4 years, and I turned 18; legal drinking age where I live. I was free to do whatever I wanted. I spent weekends drunk, high, both sometimes. I thought it was okay since I was only doing it on the weekends. I thought I had it under control, and for a while I did. I still went to school, still worked, still did my chores so what was the problem?

Well over time it caught up with me. It turned from just a good time to calming my nerves. From there, coping with stress and forgetting my problems. Yet I still kept going, I still worked, despite the physical and emotional agony I was in. The pain grew and grew, an empty hole in my soul that no amount of therapy, hobbies, loved ones, or substances could fill.

Five years roll by, I get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after a failed suicide attempt. Finally, all the pain makes sense! The emotional pain, the impulsiveness, the failed relationships, it was all because of BPD! That’s why I’m broken and I can fix it! That’s the problem right?

Wrong. While I recognized now that I was ill, I kept drinking and smoking, thinking it didn’t effect me. I thought I was the exception. I could handle my substance use and my mental illness as long as I put on the façade that I was functioning.  Years went by, I went to therapy, I ran a mental health server for BPD, I bought dozens of books on my abuse and my disorder. It did help, but then the bomb dropped.

I was 25 years old when my mom passed from her own battle with alcoholism. I had never lost anyone that close to me before. Somehow, drinking and smoking to her memory turned to drinking to forget the complicated relationship we had. First it was with friends who wanted to console me, then it was nightly. Eventually it came to a point where I couldn’t start my day without a drink and a bong rip. Didn’t eat without it, sleep without it  or socialize without it. Yet I never went to work drunk… So I thought I was fine.

Well eventually it caught up with me physically after a year and a bit; shaking, stomach issues, blacking out, losing track of my nights and days, missing work from calling in because I was too hungover from the night before or stuck in the bathroom sick as hell. I eventually went on sick leave to try and get my health back on track and my doctor recommended the dreaded option of rehab.

I mulled it over, kept falling lower into the problem all the while and finally after my partner at the time and I had a huge discussion, I decided it was time and I made the call.

Fast forward a couple months and everything has changed. Is it perfect? No, its been hard as hell but it’s all been worth it. Do I still slip up here and then? Yes. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. And so many people don’t.

Not because they can’t, but because this disease is so hard to catch yourself in. It can be a self diagnosed disease and only once you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired do you make the change. I’m only grateful I caught myself before something lethal happened.

So when you see someone battling with substance abuse, just remember; they didn’t go into that wanting the end results. Substances steal away your freedom and sense of self worth. It becomes all that keeps you going, all the while feeling sickening guilt.

Addiction is a tricky disease.