My mom called the other day asking for help for my aunt who just turned 81 and finally got a  cell phone of her own!

I work in technology so cries for help aren’t uncommon, and I laughed a little at the “old folks” and technology stereotype. But then mom added, “because the neighbor didn’t know how to help her to do it.”

My first thought was to ask, “Where was Uncle John?”  But I didn’t. Because even though I didn’t know, it didn’t matter. She asked the neighbor to help because her husband wouldn’t lift a finger for her. Not without her regretting asking. But a berating would be less than if caught requesting outside aid.

I remember my Aunt’s family was always properly dressed. Not like for the weather, throw on a light jacket for a windy day, or a slicker for rainy ones. More like actors coming from the wardrobe to the set.

Business-like but in family form. A set of suburban uniforms where a man could move forward with a career, wife, and child, like holes on a golf course. My uncle wrote grants for universities, and my aunt stayed home and sweet.

He wrote grants for universities, big important ones that could cure people, and others that did not, like creating sustainable plastic sculptures. Regardless he framed himself on his ability to use words, written or aloud, to manage his world, including my Aunt Alma.

He was the only person I met that wore a vested suit even in summer and smoked an unusual pipe, with a long curved stem ala Sherlock Holmes.  And like Holmes was known to do, he condescendingly spoke to our family, puffing smoke each word, like the grant money he got was somehow his and gave him some authority to talk down to those around.

We saw them on holiday. Each time they appeared like a package: matching red and green outfits in December, costumes at Halloween, aprons, beer, football, and flannel on thanksgiving.

I liked watching sports with my Uncle on holidays; it was the one time he literally showed his ass. He would say things like, “the runner back made a fumble,” and “the quarterback bombed that forward pass.”  I always wondered why my mom knew more about football if he was so smart. Moms are a good sport!

And like my mom, my whole life I was impressed by her sister, my aunt, and her skill at picking the right card or writing the perfect thank you note or letter.

I looked forward to reading Alma’s cards, sometimes handmade just the right color, picture, or caption for the person it was made, capped off by the most beautiful handwritten script. She sent these every birthday and holiday, on time. Occasionally, one would come out of the blue by surprise.

I am (mostly) a practical person. I love the neatness and traditional welcoming of letters and notes. It’s a personal touch that is special to see, so I never questioned why I rarely heard her voice, outside the fact she always spoke in a hushed manner.

This was before free unlimited minutes and Uncle John figured long distance was an unneeded expense. I found out later that this was how she expressed herself and communicated with the outside world because she had no choice.

Epilogue:

So today, my Aunt got a new iPhone. But she didn’t know how to find her own phone number. It’s a good thing the neighbor was next door; Uncle John would not take her to renew her license, which expired. My aunt hasn’t driven a car in years either.

Abuse comes in many forms, even ones that seem normal. Social isolation is one of the most deceptive because there are no visible marks.

In fact, it took me years to realize things weren’t right with my aunt, and even then only after I pressed my mom for answers. Social isolation is hard to spot, and with people so separated by life’s fast pace, easy to normalize or overlook. The worst is this may not be the worst she’s suffered, and I will never know.

But there are warning signs that you or a loved one are being isolated from support and your world. Here are some to watch for:

• Insistence on one-to-one time. Attention keeps couples together, but love doesn’t live in chains.

• Refusing to spend time and interact with your family and friends, and gaslighting reasons why. Never let others keep you from the ones you love.

• Using jealousy, guilt, or manipulation to keep partners in line.

• Insisting on access to all your accounts and passwords.

• Constant check-ins, that is if you go anywhere, or they aren’t by your side all the time already.

Thanks for reading. Take care of yourself and the ones you love, and don’t be afraid to ask and talk about things in the air no one wants to acknowledge.