RU OK?

I talked very briefly with my children last night about the up-and-coming RU OK day. I explained it’s a day that we highlight mental health and we make sure to ask people if they are OK, even if they appear to be just fine.

I wondered if I had laid it on a little too thick explaining that so many of our fellow humans slap on a smile and answer each other’s polite “How’s it going” with a “good thanks”; just as I do. But, under the surface, there is a very different feeling lurking.

A feeling that some fight every single day. We have strict morning routines, try to make time for meditation, creativity and self-care, but there’s still this soft bubbling feeling of something… Something that doesn’t feel OK. Whether it be a lingering sadness, or a haunting loneliness, there are many days that we know there “should” be no reason to not feel OK. Gratitude people! Look at what you have! Do you know how lucky you are to be living in this country? Think of 5 things you are thankful for!

Ugh, fuck off.

Some days it’s not even a feeling that makes us not OK. It’s a lack of. It’s a numbness, a lack of joy, a void that you know should be filled with something, but you just don’t have the capacity to fill that right now or the tools to; even if the energy and desire was there.

I write this piece, on this day, with no particular advice or punch line. I write it so that others out there resonating, nodding along and wondering if they are slowly dropping off the face of the earth can know they are not the only ones feeling that way.

Not all days, but some days you are just not OK and that I think is OK.

There is a huge movement and culture emerging dedicated to finding happiness, that on any down day you might be experiencing, you find yourself becoming self-critical. We are bombarded with gratitude memes, courses, potions and advice that you probably didn’t ask for about how to be happy. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what we also need are tools on how to be sad?

Sounds counterintuitive but roll with me as I explore this in real time with you. We are taught what to do if we feel sad to cheer ourselves up but are we sending a message that being sad is not OK at all? I think that the narrative of being not OK, sad and whatever other feeling we have decided is negative and damaging if felt for too long needs to be bypassed is dangerous. I recently came across a piece of writing that made me think about this and how I deal with sadness when my children are expressing it.

I offer a cuddle and ask them to share what is troubling them, but do I then let them sit with it? Do I express that it’s OK to feel sad and that I over here for hugs or anything that they may need? Shit, I worry “what if they don’t know what they need though?!” Do I teach them to sit with the feeling and look into themselves to be able to move through it. No, I do not. I try to shoulder all the pain or eliminate the pain because it hurts me to think they are not happy. It’s what parents want most for their children and what friends and family want for each other. If we are so used to bypassing sadness, stopping anger and ignoring despair then what happens as we get older and happen to find ourselves a little more alone than what we’re used to? Feeling sad and remembering that one shouldn’t be feeling like that?

I find it hard to express sadness. I don’t want to cause worry or receive platitude and solutions, so I slap on a smile and say “yes I am great thank you!” Because who wants to be bog other people down with a “I’m not doing the best, but I’ll be OK soon”.

Does that perpetuate my state of mind?

Like I said, I don’t have advice, nor do I want any.

I do love to open conversations around these questions and thoughts. I do want to hear your stories and know how you feel?

So, tell me, now that I have said all that, are RU OK?