By: Dr. Denise Renye

With the Supreme Court’s recent reversal of Roe v. Wade, it’s likely there will be an uptick in adoptions. The practice is often painted as a simple and happy solution to unwanted or unintended pregnancy, but the level of trauma associated with adoption is intricate and very unique.

Having worked with many individuals and families over the last 20+ years, I have seen the wide array of situations that occur when babies are separated from their birth families. There is a vast range of feelings that come up: from fear and abandonment on the part of the mothers and babies to happiness and joy on the part of the adopting parents and even the baby. As infancy continues, there may be developmental delays that are not accounted for, and most times they just dissipate as time goes on.

I worked with one family when I was in my early career. The family adopted one child and went on to have three birth children. The mother always referred to her adopted child as her “special one.” This created confusion because what does it mean to be the special one? The child asked themself, “Do I have to do something different or extra to maintain this title and be viewed as a special one?” It also created envy and jealousy in the other children. The adopted child was bullied and could find no solace except by knowing they were “the special one.”

It’s easy to see how something like this programming of being considered “special” could extend to if the child were to meet a birth sibling later in life. They may consider the meeting to be “special” and the onslaught of feelings that would arise could easily be those of sexual interest for they may be so overtaken by finally meeting someone with whom they resonate, on a genetic level. Boundaries may get blurred as intense feelings arise within. In other words, not only are adoptees potentially grappling with issues of abandonment and unanswered questions about their biological relatives, but they may also have to contend with genetic attraction.

Also called genetic sexual attraction (GSA), it occurs when a person has been separated from a biological family member, specifically a parent or sibling, at a young age and upon meeting them again as an adult and feels attracted to them. Sometimes the attraction results in sex, sometimes not.

The term was coined by Barbara Gonyo who in 1979 at age 42 was reunited with her son, Mitch, 26 years after giving him up for adoption. She felt maternal love, yes, but also sexual attraction. (He did not feel the same way.) You might think Gonyo’s reaction was an anomaly but it’s not. It’s hard to quantify the level of genetic attraction that occurs because the topic is so stigmatized, but in 2003, the U.K.’s Post-Adoption Centre told the Guardian it estimates “up to half of reunions are accompanied by anything from temporary attraction to obsessive sexual obsession – and, very occasionally, even to the birth of a child.”

Why does this happen? Not much research exists on the topic, again because of the shame and stigma, but it’s theorized the feelings of romantic love and erotic arousal may be the delayed by-product of “missed bonding” and intimacy that would have occurred had the adoption not taken place. In other words, the parent didn’t kiss and hold their kid or the siblings didn’t engage in rough and tumble play, so now they want to reenact that as adults. There’s also the feeling of meeting a “soul mate” because the person is similar either in physical features or in tastes and personality traits. That familiarity is alluring and intense – so intense that reunited pairs may leave their spouses or partners for their biological parent or sibling. It may happen that focus on the newly discovered relative can become all-consuming and interfere with other relationships, work, and hobbies.

While genetic attraction is common, it doesn’t happen with every reunification. Instead, it often arises when several of the following factors are present:

• strong physical resemblance
• lack of self-confidence
• Narrow age difference
• “Romantic” fantasies about the reunion
• Absence of a sexual partner
• Difficulty in saying “no”
• Mental illness
• Unsatisfactory relationships
• Physical/sexual abuse in the past
• History of loss

Ways to minimize genetic attraction are to tell the adopted child about their biological family, see photographs of their parents and siblings, and in general, minimize the mystery surrounding where the adoptee came from.

Reference

Kirsta, Alix. “Genetic Sexual Attraction.” The Guardian. May 16, 2003. https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2003/may/17/weekend7.weekend2