I don’t know that I’ll publish this, I’d like to get off topics that involve other people. But surviving trauma has led me to an interesting feeling on this topic, as the title is a quote from a popular tik tok today. Apparently, there are a lot of people who feel misjudged and mistreated by the same kinds of people.

*coffee intermission*

For many years and somewhat still to this day, I believe people do the best they can with what they have. I also feel that while I may stand alone and have my own unique relationship with people and the world, if I was born as someone else I don’t think I’d do anything differently. Whether I was my parents, or someone incredibly awful, I’m not sure I have the authority to say that with the same genes and development as another person I would really be much different than them. To me, it wouldn’t make sense if that was true. It would surely be a big jump in proof of my belief that the awareness behind my personality, my “I”, is truly different from someone else’s. To me, that’s reaching.

I got to reading a book this week: To Have and To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma. In the book it has some very wild quotes about spending time with one’s baby being about as fun as vacuuming, describing women who authentically don’t feel happier after becoming a parent and imagine putting their child in a dryer, or throwing them. I can’t relate to feeling this way, while I think she hit the nail on the head with the pressure women feel to “feel” better than they do while handling a newborn, I do get a lot of joy out of watching my son grow. Is it a little annoying that he’d rather lunge for my phone, cords to electronic devices, my hair brush, or my book light instead of his toys? Sure, I’d much rather be able to pop him in his play pen and mentally “check out” for a bit, knowing he’s content with safe items. But to me, many years of learning how to better relate to my surroundings and feel less “triggered” by what I can’t control, like an exploring little one, have led up to this point of being able to deal with “not socially acceptable feelings” in a healthy way. Mere months ago, I realized for a lot of my life I had suppressed anger for the sake of other people, and keeping the peace. These days, I let the feeling arise and pass, I don’t feel obligated to give it to the world or any person in particular. Ultimately, especially in reparenting and recovering from trauma that happened years ago and became a part of my development, lighting a fuse to that anger with people who were not traumatized by those experiences and have therefore moved on, does not creating a healing space. My focus now is on being a receiver of those feelings, hearing the stories they have to tell me, and understanding that those “undesirable” feelings of mine are the parts of me that neglected caring for myself for far too long. What I love about the book I’m reading even when I can’t relate to its darkest notations is that it allows a safe space for any feelings a new mother could be growing through.

Something that has become very obvious to me in recent weeks is that not everyone in my generation is going to take healing in the same way. Some of us may learn to better stick up for ourselves, but won’t take the step of self-reflection and awareness to have more intention in what we give to the world. Some of us aren’t going to go looking for their own contributions to a problem in a relationship, and some of us will go on to continue generational trauma having met a limit on what they can do. Their children, or children’s children might be the ones to continue the healing process. Realizing this used to sting me, I think the biggest excuse I had for my parents growing up was that they didn’t have things like mental health recovery, therapy, or a basic understanding of sexism and the patriarchy in their corner to be better than they were. However, maybe the truth is that in their own way- they did, and so did every other person I have come into contact with. That being said, I think the only way forward is to have healthy boundaries, and have space for one’s own emotions and feelings so that it doesn’t bleed all over others. That means even the worst people need a space to land softly and feel heard, and the people who allow them that shouldn’t be forced to think there is anything wrong with them.

There are going to be toxic people, who have every right to the same happiness I have. The only thing I can ultimately do for my own health and well-being because I’ve done this work is draw a line and walk when I see the need for one. But when I look back at my mom, or someone who has hurt me in this life, I no longer see a need to feel angst. Sometimes justice is in knowing those people will likely continue to cause similar cycles of pain in their life that they did when I knew them. Sometimes, justice is knowing the value in what I brought to the table, and knowing I’ll no longer watch myself feed into those cycles. My blessing is being able to move on, be the person I need for myself, and move up.