Unfolding

By, Margie Ione Dannenbaum

October 2022

This article was written four years ago. My son, who I reference, recently graduated college and has moved to Denver to start his career. All the things I wished for him, and me, continue to unfold. I have been on a journey of self-discovery and wonder. As I lean into my journey, I continue to make amazing discoveries. He experienced college through COVID. He had fun, made long lasting meaningful relationships, and loved his college experience. He has grown and matured and is thriving. Yes, we both still struggle, but the struggle is part of what makes us whole.

August 2018

It is difficult to put into words the essence of what I am experiencing as my youngest child of 4 goes off to college in a few days. Mostly, I am excited for him. He is ready. He is capable, strong, smart, adaptable, resourceful and kind. I know that he will have an amazing experience because he is the kind of kid who creates opportunities for himself and makes the best of every situation. He does not dwell on things he can not control and he understands that it is how we choose to interpret our reality that helps us remain positive. In fact, this resiliency is one of his best qualities. He has been through a lot and he never acted like a victim. He is an awesome person. I am so proud of him and happy for him. It’s not worry that I feel, it is excitement and wonder. Who will he become? What choices will he make? I know how much he will grow and mature and I can’t wait to witness this transformation.

All of this is exciting but I am also excited for myself. I am not a helicopter mom. I gave my kids a lot of rope when they were growing up. I fundamentally understand that my job is to support them, not control them once they get older. Finding the balance to allow this to happen while still guiding them and helping build their foundation is the hardest part of parenting to me. I was not always successful in this balance. I often tried to put my view of reality on them. Sometimes it was for the right reasons because I am a parent. Yet, sometimes I made it more about trying to fill something in my psyche, than seeing them as separate.

As they got older I had more freedom with my time because my physical responsibilities lessened. However, them and their needs were always an integral part of the decisions I made. Now that the last of my four children is leaving, I will be able to open up space for myself. Yes, being a mom first will be a hard habit to break.

I truly believe that the best thing I can do for my kids is to be there for them no matter what, and no matter when while at the same time letting them fly. As a wise man taught me when your kids are little you are the director. You tell them where to be and what to do. When they get to be teenagers you are the coach. Give advice and guide them but you can’t do the work for them. When they get to college and beyond — I am the consultant. Only give advice when asked.

I am not sure how I am going to make the transition. I need to find productive ways to reinvent myself in this new freedom. My kids never stopped me from achieving anything but I sometimes used them as an excuse to not have more structured direction in my life. I am smart and capable but I also like down time and flexibility. Having kids in the house, even if they were independent and capable, helped define me. Now it is time to figure out who I want to be with no strings attached. I can do anything I want. Now it is time to figure out who that will be. Wish me luck!