Once there was a snake who would bite for no reason. One day she heard the discourse of a saint that moved him to understand that she should practice non-violence and not bite any more. But the next time the saint saw the snake, he was shocked to see her condition. Children had thrown stones at her, making the saint ask:

“What happened to you?”

“After your spiritual advice, I decided to not bite anyone,” replied the snake.

“Oh dear,” the saint said with compassion and insight. “That’s great you’ve stopped biting people for no reason, but did I tell you to stop hissing to keep others from biting you? Why did you choose to become so powerless that you could not even defend yourself?”

This story illustrates the necessity of keeping our personal power in place through instituting boundaries. We must assert healthy boundaries, not to be offensive, but in self-defense against the sleepwalkers that we are bound to meet sooner or later.

It can be difficult to enforce personal boundaries especially when you care about someone, don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings or have never established a firm boundary before. Before you can enforce a boundary, you have to first discern what your boundaries are, which can be another challenging task leaving you with much stress and frustration. However, setting boundaries should be an introspective process that isn’t stressful but freeing. Determining, establishing and then maintaining boundaries is all about learning more about yourself, your comfort level in certain situations, and what you do and do not like.

In my new book Roar Like A Goddess I take inspiration from Hindu goddesses Durga, Lakshmi and Saraswati and how they live empowered and sovereign lives, thanks to their ability to effortlessly and effectively assert their boundaries. “I define boundaries as a protective spiritual shield based on your beliefs and values. Boundaries protect you from people — physically, sexually, socially, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, — until you deem they are safe and respectful of who you are and respectful of your nos and yeses.”

Establishing healthy personal boundaries protects one’s mental, emotional and physical health, personal space, safety and security. You would think more people would create strong boundaries considering the benefits. However, there are several reasons why one may feel overwhelmed when attempting to set boundaries. Here are some examples:

1. You are unclear how to set a healthy boundary: this can stem from not being in touch with one’s feelings, making it tough to discern what a personal limit could possibly be, or simply lacking how to effectively communicate their boundaries to others.
2. You have low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem have a low sense of self-worth and may feel undeserving of enforcing personal boundaries.
3. You’re a people-pleaser –  This can be manifested as neediness, wanting to be agreeable and not being able to say no. “Saying no is not just about being non-cooperative. It is a sign of maturity, self-respect, and inner strength.”
4. Your previous boundary disrespected: If someone has had their personal boundary disrespected, they may move forward in life struggling to see the point in setting and enforcing more boundaries. This leads us to our next point.

Boundary Violations

It can be disheartening to go through the introspective process of determining a boundary, to then enforce the boundary just to have someone completely disrespect it. It is easier to tell if someone has broken a physical boundary, but what if you are unsure if someone is breaking a verbal, emotional or mental boundary? Here are some telltale signs:

Types of Boundaries Violation

Verbal: Talking at or down to you, not allowing you to speak or be heard, sharing your secrets, giving unsolicited advice, gossiping about you are all examples of verbal boundary violations. “Sometimes, our significant other, partner, grown children, boss, or co-workers may embody a forceful personality and enjoy verbal dexterity over us. They may even be verbally aggressive at times, just because they are unconscious.” When you begin to make excuses or justify these types of bad behavior, it is a clear violation of a boundary.

Emotional: Mocking your beliefs, playing with your feelings, laughing at your discomfort, treating you like a doormat, gaslighting, using what you told them in confidence against you are examples of broken emotional boundaries. Feeling of shame or blaming yourself for things going wrong, when it’s not your actual fault, is a telltale sign of an emotional boundary violation.

Mental: Unwarranted criticisms, demeaning behavior, extortion, intimidation, manipulation, demoralization exemplify mental boundary violations. If you start doubting your decision after someone else keeps questioning it, this can be a sign that someone has broken a mental boundary.

Sexual: No one has any right over your body sexually. Even your lawfully married spouse has no right over you sexually, unless you are a consenting adult and this consent is explicitly present in each act of sexuality, from casual touch to intercourse. Who can touch you, how they touch you, where they touch you, when they touch you, and who you choose to have children with, or not, is up to you—100 percent. Behaving inappropriately or being too familiar, especially sexually, including sexual references and overtures, are violations.

When and how to enforce boundaries?

“Putting boundaries in place doesn’t make you self-centered or unwomanly. It means you’re authentic and self-respecting like a goddess! You know your limits and values, and you listen to your feelings. When you assert healthy boundaries, do what’s right for you, and take care of yourself, you are then freed up to be generous to others.”

When someone has broken a boundary, we can communicate clearly that a line has been crossed, in most cases without an angry or dramatic tone. You can use the following phrases to help guide you to simply state and manage your personal boundaries:

• No,
• Stop.
• I am uncomfortable with this.
• That doesn’t work for me.
• I don’t agree.
• Please say that differently.
• You are asking me to put myself in danger and I won’t do it.

Your actions also speak volumes. When a boundary is broken you can shake your head no; hold up your hand in protest as to say “stop”; simply leave; avoid the person and/or situation until comfortable to confront them; and/or seek professional help.

Maintaining your boundaries takes practice especially if you have never enforced boundaries and tend to people please.Be like the Goddess, Durga who  is “invincible because her boundaries are impassable, impenetrable, and indisputable. She shows us to not take transgressions lightly. She is the ultimate feminine archetypal protector of personal boundaries.”  And remember “Boundaries need to be in place all the time, not just when you interact with creepy or suspicious strangers.”

All Rights Reserved Acharya Shunya