One of the expectations we have about sex is the idea that it’s supposed to be spontaneous. That the moments of arousal and desire just happen. And that they happen for both of us at the same time. And that we want the same thing at the same time.

Sometimes they do

But if you look at the lives we live it’s quite rare when it happens.

And when it doesn’t we get confused, frustrated, sometimes angry.

So much of this, and many of the other expectations we bring to our sexuality and pleasure, come from the media, from movies, from TV, from books, which never tell us the truth.

That our desire and arousal flow in cycles, often connected to what’s

happening in our lives, at work, with our families. What’s happening with our health, our diet, our sleep, our focus on other things, stress, distraction, the mind…

And that our cycle may not be in sync with that of our partner, at that time. For so many of the same reasons. And even when the desire is there for both of us we may want something different, and we don’t really know how to negotiate that, so we end up doing something we don’t really want, or that

doesn’t really fulfil us now.

That’s not to say that the spontaneous can’t happen Of course it can, and it does, and it’s wonderful when it does, magical, amazing, connecting.

But if we wait for that, and expect it to happen, we might have a long wait for the perfect moment to…

One of the first things I teach the people I work with is this.

Make the time.

It’s that simple.

Make the time.

And here’s something to consider.

Making the time for pleasure with your partner is sexy!

There’s the anticipation, the preparation, the build-up, the thinking about it, the looking forward to it. Which is all about sexual energy. It creates awareness, excitement, which heightens the desire.

Sometimes it might be special planning.

If you’ve followed me for a while you know that I love food and coffee, and I use them in lots of analogies.

Here’s one. If you’re going to make a stir-fry or a pasta sauce you can use anything that’s in the fridge or pantry. And if you’re going to make something special you need to look at the recipe, see if you have the ingredients, maybe learn how to make something.

Something special.

And when we plan for pleasure, for connection we’re affirming that our partner’s important, that our relationship is important.

It doesn’t matter if it’s spending 5 minutes Eye-Gazing, or a whole afternoon doing massage or Expanded Energy Orgasm or a bent-over quickie.

And when we make time we can bring ourselves into the space, be present.

Because we’ve committed to being there.

What’s very interesting is that we think we need to be aroused, we need to feel sexy before we do something sexual. We don’t.

If we have the intention of sharing something, of connecting, of being intimate, of feeling pleasure, of getting excited, and we start doing something with a lover, the energy of that begins to flow in our bodies and our hearts. We just have to be present and open.

And then we create being, getting in sync, and sharing.

We also take a lot of pressure off each other to engage sexually when we’re

not able to, and we feel we should, which happens a lot, and fosters

resentment.

When we make time we might make it for something specific, to give or receive, or to share. We might make time to practice something, to explore something, learn something. There’s an excitement here, an exploration, a discovery. It grows our relationship, deepens our intimacy and expands our pleasure.

We also affirm that our relationship is important to us.

So often I’ve sat with people who talk about not having time, not having the energy.

My take, time is all we have, what we choose to do with it is what matters.

And if you matter to me, if being with you, if sharing pleasure with you, if connecting with you, if being intimate with you, if growing with you is important, we’ll make it happen.

Make time, keep it simple.

For a foot massage, for a conversation about sex, to talk about a fantasy

Then make special time for bigger, longer experiences

Make time for the quickies, make time for the rituals

Make time and stick to it.

It’s a commitment to pleasure, to love, to life, to possibility.