I became frightened in the way I was drawn to you, but also unashamed and desperately self-sacrificial to abandon everything just to be near you.

I loved you with a passion words cannot capture.

You molded me into your prey with every look and embrace.

Your mystery captivated my soul as you effortlessly swept pieces of my fragile heart into your hands, and eventually we went to war as you used the those pieces to build weapons to use against me.

A war that became a game to me. With every gathering of my things, I knew it wasn’t over, and we’d come back for more with scabs to be pried back open just days later. A warrior doesn’t quit after one blow – he goes until his legs give out. And we did.

What you don’t know is I only understood dysfunction – I’m well versed. Comfortability and normalcy riddle me with fear. But what we did as a unit was insulting my soul. I was restless and the booze and could only numb me for so long.

But the chemistry was molten and I couldn’t cut loose of it. It tugged on my heart strings with every glance into your doe eyes.

I was stuck.

How we lasted more than a 20-minute conversation with each other is still a mystery to me.

Or is it?

Astounding chemistry – in the beginning can rob a soul.

However, your true authority was foreign to me, and yet calmed my raging rawness with a stubborn consistency I could not scare away. You became an addiction like

all

the others and I didn’t think twice about checking out of my own life to be a part of yours everyday for the mostly painful ride. Like an addict who knows the hard aching comedown but still chooses to get high without blinking because the high is worth the dark lows. 

You also sat down on the roller coaster and never got off, even when my soul screamed, “Get the f*ck out!” by revealing the darkest sides of myself.

You stayed.

You made me trust you, when all the fibers of my being cringed.

Because you weren’t to be trusted.

My keen intuition questioning your authenticity soothed over by your nauseating charm – the next day I invited you back in. 

You stood in the middle of the fire of my burning house – blinding me as you

wrapped your strong arms around my body and lifted me to safety from the fires you set – melting my walls into a puddle of vulnerability.

You wanted me with a monstrous ego as you locked the cage door behind you. 

You jumped in with both feet, even though one of mine dangled out with constant questions.

But oh when it was good.

Your touch on my skin, fingers intertwined through all those dark nights, gripping my bones pulling me forcefully towards you, passion that transported our souls into another dimension. Our bodies were built for one another – the rhythm effortless as we traced our naked figures into an extacy only our bodies could create. A unique dance all our own. 

Your big strong hands on my body.

Limbs like magnets, entangled, the world fell away.

Your smell, a scent I wished I could bottle up – constantly breathing it in whenever I could. 

I will remember every moment.

What ignited in my soul in those moments no drug could ever recreate synthetically – a bone chilling euphoria that surely reduced their density.

The way you looked at me in my red dress  knowing I would have to pick up a jaw bone off the floor. I wanted you to want me beyond your own control – a primal lust dripping from your mouth and a shake of your head trying to rattle the trance out.

The way only you could calm my demons. 

So close we became.

Never close enough.

I ached to crawl inside of you, I was so attached, so far gone in this feeling we found.

“You can’t make homes out of humans,” they said. But I found myself desperately knocking on every one of your doors.

And you let me in.

It frightened every cell in my body to know this wouldn’t last. Anxiously anticipating our final breath haunted me every minute. I stayed locked in your cage fearful that soon this feeling would be robbed of me.

Our journey became eggshells I could no longer walk upon as they pierced me with every new day robbing me of my dignity.

Though I couldn’t comprehend a world without you. Alone, every direction pointed to a memory of you.

You stayed close because perhaps my departure was unbearable too. Until finally, we squeezed each other one final time, until the carcasses of our old selves were hardly recognizable as we parted ways.

To be the one you’ve always been waiting for,

turned into the one you can’t stand anymore.

We were just a tragic version of who each of us were upon arrival – when we were strangers.

I knew our differences would become unbearable realities of opposition no longer able to be drowned out with booze and battles with no resolve.

Our opposites didn’t attract – they caused an excruciating separateness and a deep resentment which ultimately revealed itself in unhealthy ways that cut right to the bone. We feasted on one another until nothing was left.

Bloody gaping claw marks, where we had gripped onto an illusion that we created together  

Finally, my soul

gave up and my legs gave out

as I raised a white flag  

A truth a boxer accepts when he knows he has no fight left in him and the bell rings a piercing echoing vibration of failure. 

I won’t exit this world without knowing what it feels like to be adored and wanted to be devoured. 

You will forever reside on my heart. A scar seared so deep with passion and lust. A beautiful reminder of all of the moments kind and chaotic that opened and closed our chapter.