I have lived a beautifully full life of 40 years. I went to college, worked at a bar, got married, got an office job, got divorced, and lived a Sex in the City life as an independent woman. Met a guy, liked him a lot, stayed with him because of Covid, and then the relationship ran its course by the end of 2021. Still, the end of this relationship blindsided me. I thought I was finally settling down, with a person of good stock, with strong family values, a religious practice, makes good money, and has a stable job. The devastation of that breakup turned out to be the best thing, because I finally learned maitri. And my journey of maitri led the real love of my life to present himself.

And I was happy to uphold the idea that you can find love at 40. Not only that, I found myself pregnant after just a few months of us dating. We were ecstatic. That is, until 13 weeks into the pregnancy, and an ultrasound showed us signs of Trisomy 18. Doctors and specialists explained the gravity of this syndrome, and as I was entering the 2nd trimester, the pregnancy ended.

We were instructed to use protection until I got my period. After two solid cycles and healed hearts, we stopped using protection.

I’m now approaching the 3rd cycle since the pregnancy. I have not gotten my period, although it is not late, and I have had a few pregnancy symptoms. But 3 at-home tests tell me I am not pregnant.

I am a little sad about this. I want to be pregnant. I also want to continue living my hot girl summer life and return to being a size 4 and having a social drink or smoke occasionally. But instead, I’m at an impasse, where I am eating and living the healthiest way possible, and allowing myself some wine and hard alcohol for the holidays.

But even if I do get pregnant, will it be viable? The chances of another Trisomy pregnancy are less than 1%. But if it’s not a Trisomy pregnancy, which we find out at 10 weeks, there is a chance it will be an ectopic pregnancy, which we find out between 4-12 weeks. And if it’s not an ectopic pregnancy, there is still a high chance I could miscarry, which happens by 12 weeks. And in sharing my story of losing my first baby, I learned that women have lost their babies at up to 32 weeks.

The pregnancy journey is scary. The reward is positively life changing. But wondering every hour of every day if I am pregnant, if the pregnancy will be good, and if the baby will be healthy, is a total mind fuck. All my friends with kids have only 30ish years of living for themselves. I’ve got 10 fabulous years over them. How do I give that up?